I think I need s’mores.

Today was a beautiful day outside! Really gorgeous, albeit windy, but I spent most of it indoors except for a handful of errands that needed to be run, and a quick walk to enjoy the beautiful day.

And why would I be inside on such a beautiful day? Because I’m camping.

For NaNoWriMo, that is… 

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Yeah, I know it’s cheesy. My butt went to sleep about an hour ago and I’m not focusing very well on my story because of all the other shenanigans and hijinx in my life.

The Bartender isn’t an issue anymore. I tried one final attempt at contact, just to see if he was alright. And, well, he’s not dead, because he did react to my attempt to contact him, but he might as well be.

Seriously, I’m mainly just curious to see if I can figure out if he actually ever meant anything that he said or if it was all just a lie.

I can’t understand how he can be both the guy who loved me and the guy who would lie about everything.

This was a guy who told me he wished I could see myself the way he saw me; who was so aroused by me that he could get off and keep going, which was a new thing for him; who, when I thought I looked like a troglodyte, he would call me beautiful in two different languages; who thanked me for having dinner with him, or for picking him up so he could take a nap, or for just being there and talking to him while he rambled on and on about things that no one else would listen to him talk about.

And yet, this was the same guy who told me that it made him uncomfortable that I wanted to be close to him; who said I was a child for not wanting him to end it a week earlier than we had discussed; who told me to not even accidentally think of him…

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More than that, this was the man who lied about the entire situation he was in, and while he admitted to many, many infidelities (like well over 50) he swore that they were all just for sex… many of which were from brothels and such.

But now that I think back, there were at least 2 that he mentioned that got attached to him before me. He swore that what made me different was that I knew up front exactly what the situation was, and that he actually had feelings for me. He wouldn’t run away from me…

And yet that is exactly what he did. And he’s running so hard and fast now because he knows that I will not be silent about it. I won’t just disappear like the others because I’ve been hurt too much in my past.

I had warned him that if he wanted a just fun sort of situation that he needed to not treat me the way he was. His actions were decidedly relationship type actions. He wanted me to give up my Tinder search. He wanted me to be exclusive to him, which would cause feelings to grow, but he wasn’t willing to give up what I thought was his safety net: his wife.

And now he is racing as fast as he can to delete me from his life, to hide all traces of me.

I think that proves that he never cared. He will continue doing this to other people. He cannot be intimate without wooing in a romantic fashion, and that is not how a no strings attached situation works.

No wonder he has women angry at him in multiple states, hell multiple countries! He seduces them and makes them fall for him, and then dumps them! He leaves a trail of broken hearts everywhere he goes…

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And he uses his daughter as an excuse… That is sick and twisted…

And I fell for it.

And now the anger I feel at myself for not seeing it is disrupting my creative process.

I’m trying really hard not to let this do serious damage to my self-esteem. It’s hard, though. The only man who has ever been really, truly loving to me in both a friendly and romantic way was nothing but a liar. It was all a sham.

I definitely feel bamboozled.

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And I’m in danger of deciding that it’s because, as he told me when he was trying to hurt me, that it is me. It’s not that I date bad guys, it’s that there is something wrong with me as a person…

Maybe that’s true.

Maybe I’m just unlovable. No one seems to stay around for more than 3 months.

I don’t want to believe it’s true, but the evidence suggests that it might be.

I am just not someone people can love.

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I’m going to try not to dwell on that.

Instead I’m going to hunker down with my granola and get comfy around the virtual campfire, and get back to work on my Camp NaNoWriMo project…

Which is actually a continuation of my November NaNoWriMo project…

And also the story I’m trying to get published at Something Or Other Publishing…

If I get enough votes. So vote for me please.

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