Oh My Love!

Have you ever heard a song that just makes you feel like you’ve been wrapped in the arms of your one true soulmate and that all the world could be falling into oblivion amongst the ruins of the Apocalypse, and yet you feel safe? This song does that for me. 

And for some reason, even though things absolutely imploded with the Bartender, this song basically gives me hope that it’s not really the end of the world.

Unlike when things ended with the Boy (choose a time, we were back on and off again so many times that I lost count), things ending with the Bartender hurt unbelievably bad while he was standing in front of me.

They hurt a little less as I was trying to figure out what had changed, and I could hear in his voice some sort of exasperation, like I was being unreasonable because I believed he loved me  and it seemed so very wrong to be in love with me and to just decide that we needed to not be in each other’s lives.

By the time I did the horrible thing, I had cycled from angry to calm and back again a couple of times, and had finally landed in a teacher place.

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No, not really the sexy teacher fantasy, because that annoys me… although it is oddly popular. Even Goodreads Guy tried to get me to engage in a virtual role play of that particular fantasy. Unfortunately for him, it is a thing that I really don’t enjoy.

I have to be a teacher. All. Day. Long.

Why would I want to do that during my sexy time?

And, when we’ve already had the discussion multiple times that I’m sapiosexual and it takes intellect to get my engine going, why would anyone think that purposefully using bad grammar would do anything other than annoy me?

“I are trying, Miss…”

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And when I asked him if maybe we could have a real conversation, his response was that he’d already graduated, so he didn’t want to have to write a paper…

So, as hot as he is, he’s out.

Like I said, the one good thing about this whole interaction with the Bartender is that it’s taught me that I do deserve better, and I’m much quicker to get rid of guys who aren’t worth my time.

Back to that.

I was explaining to a new blogger buddy of mine that a tiny part of me really likes the idea of the Bartender coming back and apologizing RomCom style to fulfill the fairy tale romance aspect of our story. We began with a kiss before we’d ever heard each other speak, and we did have a really amazing love affair, brief though it was. It deserves an equally amazing ending, which is what the Bartender was trying to do, but I wasn’t ready.

I just wanted the fantasy to last a little while longer, and there was no reason it couldn’t.

More than that, I wanted to believe it was true.

I’m completely fine with the outcome, except that I will never know if he truly cared at all, and that frightens me. If the only person who has ever truly made me feel beautiful and desired on a regular basis (as brief as it was) could lie to me that completely, how am I supposed to ever trust anyone else ever again?

It is men like him that cause women to build walls around their hearts.

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A friend of mine had posted this once, and her ex commented on it saying he felt sorry for both people.

Her feelings about him are the same as mine are about the Bartender at the moment: It is guys like them that cause women to build those walls.

For me, I’m actually getting over it quite fast. I think it was when he started to be mean that did it. I recognized the gaslighting for what it was. The hateful things he said with the sole intent of hurting me didn’t faze me because his lies had proven that his opinion of me couldn’t be valid, and someone who loved me wouldn’t want to intentionally hurt me, yet that was exactly what he was trying to do.

It’s possible that he was really just very very angry with me and wanted to hurt me as quickly and deeply as possible, but because he hadn’t really taken the time to get to know me (though it felt like he was), he didn’t have the right ammo to do serious damage.

But more likely, he never cared at all and wanted to inflict as much damage to me as possible before he went through the million steps to try and eradicate any trace of me from his life.

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That hurts a little, that he would really just want to forget how awesome we were together. It makes sense, though, especially if I didn’t mean anything to him.

And yet he kept maintaining that he did in fact love me, and now I had betrayed him in such a way that he was left with nothing but pity for me…

So yes, there is a tiny part of me that wishes that he might come back RomCom style and profess his undying love for me, and that we can forgive each other for being horrible people to one another. The romantic in me can imagine a happily ever after in which we both admit that our actions were the product of our hurt egos and that after some reflection and a couple of other failed relationships on both our parts, we’ll both realize what we let slip between our fingers here.

And thus, like the song, my heart will come around again…

Have I ever mentioned how much of a romantic I am at heart?

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