Today I’m struggling with my humanity and my anger. The Bartender, in his attempt to push me away even further, has taken to being somewhat rude.
I can admit (and have done so) that I have not been behaving rationally. I am processing all of my feelings, and all the discussions, and really struggling with some of them. I needed my feelings to be validated, and to me the only way for that to happen is for him to acknowledge that I have feelings at all. When instead, he ignores that I’ve said anything, like I explained yesterday, I find myself repeating myself.
And each time I see that he’s seen my message but hasn’t responded, I get a little more anxious.
Well, that anxiety at some point yesterday turned into ire.
And that ire turned into a need to talk to him to explain to him how rude he was being. And that discussion turned into him not really helping, but at least acknowledging that my feelings were valid, which if he’d done that in the first place, things would have been fixed by now.
But I’m also aware that I’m still angry about the way the Boy couldn’t answer some of my questions, and I see the same thing happening now…
Only now, I could actually do something about it that would alter the Bartender’s fate.
When he and I first met face to face, I’d already found him on Facebook using his phone number.
And I even told him as much.
It’s a thing I don’t usually do, but sometimes I do Facebook stalk to see if a person is telling the truth… Especially when that person is telling me that he’s beginning a divorce which is why we can’t be in a serious relationship right away.
And it seemed very much like he and his wife were definitely estranged because I almost couldn’t find any mention of her on there at all.
I did find her. Which means I was able to find her Facebook profile.
And I have a picture of he and I taken after our nap. We’re obviously in bed, and happy.
I am struggling because I am angry and tired of being used and tired of being lied to, and I feel very strongly that the truth is important and that liars deserve to be forced to face the truth. Especially after all the lies that have been told to me by men throughout the years.
I’m struggling to remember that I am a good person. I’m struggling because it would be so easy to send her the picture in a message on Facebook. Just a few clicks. And he’d be forced to face the truth of his actions.
I could even link to this blog so she could read all about how he made me feel and all the things he’s said.
Like the joke he made about us having a 4-some and when I asked if we were inviting his wife (plus the hot chick he was joking about picking up at the airport or some such), he told me she was too boring, so he’d invite her only if she was making the sandwiches…
It would mean I’d never hear from him again, but that’s what he’s pushing for anyway. Albeit, at first it was because being with me was better than being with his wife. Now it’s because he made a decision without taking my feelings into account at all, and he feels I should just accept his decision… Sound familiar?
I have made a counter offer because I am so tired of men making decisions based on their selfishness without any thought to how it affects everyone else around them, particularly me.
I don’t like having my life decided for me.
It would be a mistake. But I don’t appreciate the way he’s handling this at all, and I’m going to end up resenting him the way I resented the Boy. I’m going to hate him the same way I hated the Boy.
Someone remind me that I am a good person and above this kind of behavior, please…