Have a Blessed Ostara!

It’s that time again! The wheel keeps on turning and we’ve reached the next major holiday for those of you who follow the old ways. And for those of you who don’t quite follow the old ways, but you like your Easter eggs, this holiday is for you, too.

Didn’t you always wonder why a bunny was laying eggs and what that had to do with Jesus? Well, sit down and let me educate you a little.

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My favorite explanation (though there are others) is the tale of the Goddess Eostre, a Scandinavian goddess of the Spring and dawn. She has several animals that are sacred to her, one of which is a bird. As the winter was approaching and all the birds were flying south to stay warm, this one bird had a broken wing and could not fly south. So Eostre, out of the kindness of her heart, changed the poor thing to a Winter hare so it could survive the freezing temperatures of the winter.

When the Spring came, Eostre had difficulty recognizing which of the many rabbits was the poor bird in disguise, so she had to wait to see which one laid eggs like a bird in order to turn it back into it’s proper form.

Hence, the Easter bunny.

It is still a story of rebirth, albeit in an entirely different format than I’m sure you’re used to…unless you (whoever you are that are reading this) are already pagan. Then, please, if you have a different story, I’d love to hear it in the comments below.

Meanwhile, what are you doing to celebrate on this beautiful first day of Spring?

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Here in Houston, it was colder this morning than it has been in a while, meaning that I almost forgot what today was. But, although not entirely intentionally, I did manage to watch the sunrise and begin a new journey, planting new seeds for a new harvest.

I know, I said something similar for Imbolc.

I’m not a very good pagan (I don’t actually identify as Pagan or as Christian, or as anything else, specifically, for that matter), and the holidays that are most precious to me happen towards the latter half of the year. I do enjoy Beltane, but what sexual person doesn’t?!

But my truly precious holidays are the harvest festivals.

Perhaps that’s what’s been wrong in my life… I focus on the harvest without truly paying attention to what I’m planting. This year has already seen a break from that tradition, in a way.

With Imbolc, I removed some of the negativity from my life, and while I worked on myself from then to now (and continuing forward), I’ve also started planting some of the seeds for the future that I want to have!

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This month long study of Romance Novels has been the beginning of embracing my creative side and planting the seeds necessary to get published.

Through the study, I am learning from the experts and readers alike what it is that they find to be the best way to write romance. It gives me a formula to start with, a plot arc that I can follow. See, while I’ve been doing alright, I am one of those authors that let’s their characters decide their own fate, and sometimes they go wandering, like the poor little Hobbits when they got sidetracked by Tom Bombadil; while one of my favorite characters, even Tolkien admitted that Tom Bombadil was him still trying to figure out what the story was going to be, where it was going. I tend to not finish many of my projects because the characters get sidetracked and I can’t get them back onto their path.

This study has helped to give me some focus, and that is sometimes much needed in my life.

Plus, it appeals to my Apie side to get all the ins and outs of how this should work.

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Other seeds I’m planting in my life: well, there’s the Bartender. While I’ve been building up to it, I’ve decided I am going to go ahead and put my faith in him and where we can go. Every ounce of time we spend together brings us closer, even when we argue.

For instance, last night, I really needed to be near him. As I said at Imbolc, the universe is making me move, and while it had seemed for a moment I was wrong, no, I indeed have to find a new place to live. Last night, I needed to be somewhere that I felt safe, and this has been a thing I’ve struggled with with some of the men in my past. Sometimes being in a place I feel safe, since that safe place is their place, pushes them out of their comfort zone, and because I’m on the verge of absolute collapse, I am not as… sensitive to their needs in that moment.

Last night was one of those nights, and I pushed. Alright, yeah, I was a bitch about it…

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And he let me come over.

I immediately felt bad because he didn’t really want me there, and I took it a little rough. Once I was there, though, he treated me with such kindness, and though we wanted each other, we stuck to our guns and didn’t go there, other than for a brief, very arousing kiss… that he started, might I point out, and while I was ready and willing, he said “No, Angel, we both said that wasn’t going to happen…”

And I thought was the Tease!!!

As we parted, he told me he was glad he let me come over.

It feels like a hurdle that we’ve crossed.

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The last time he invited me over, it was supposed to be a similar arrangement (and he initiated it that time), but instead he took the following day off so we could spend time together. While we had an amazing day (it was the day he woke up from a nap with a hunger for me that was so immensely passionate that it consumed us both), it ended up being bad for him at work.

Also, while he’s told me that he enjoys just spending time with me without the sexual aspect, we do end up going there almost every time we see each other… even when we say we won’t! So, I think he’s beginning to think that’s all there is with us. He keeps telling me that’s not true, but I think he thinks that may be all I keep him for.

One day, when he’d worked one of these crazy 16 hour days, he came over for a very short visit, and he was just too tired to get physical with me. He kept apologizing, like he was letting me down… which, yes, there was a little bit of disappointment, but unlike some of the men in my past, where I would have been bored with them if they couldn’t perform on command, I enjoyed the conversation and just being close with him. I enjoyed it a lot!

That was also the night he told me he loved me.

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So, waking up with his arms around me and yet not having sex seems like a step towards being truly comfortable with each other. We’re moving towards a new level of intimacy that I think a part of him is fighting because of his internal conflict over his “other life.”

Understandably so.

But I feel very strongly that there is something there, and as long as we keep choosing each other when it truly counts, I feel I’ve made the right choice.

Meanwhile, when I left his place this morning, while I watched the sunrise, I let the universe guide me and it brought me to a neighborhood I was relatively comfortable with that happened to have several houses for rent and even more for sale!

It felt a little fated, like the universe was trying to guide me to the next phase of my life, a place where I can put down some roots.

I even had a feeling of deja vu, which usually means I’m on the right path.

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So, for my Ostara, I’m planting hope:

  • I’m continuing to nurture my creativity (speaking of, I’m doing Camp NaNoWriMo next month, if anyone’s interested in joining me…  I’m trying to raise funds for it as well… if you’re feeling generous).
  • I’m putting my faith in my relationship with the Bartender and nurturing that to help him realize that he deserves good things… me included (though some would argue I might not be so good). Besides, I deserve to be happy, too, and he makes me very happy!
  • I’m letting the universe guide me to a new home where I’ll be comfortable with or without a roommate, one where I can bring my dog back with me, and that serves to help bring stability to my currently unstable existence.
  • And tomorrow begins a new, more focused and more stable me at work (hopefully).

May the Goddess touch my soul and my path to help me blossom this year!

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