The Bartender and I were discussing this very thing just the other night. As he and I met on Tinder, we’ve both had a few encounters of the unpleasant kind. Well, I have at least. Turns out I’m the first person he’s ever actually met up with from Tinder, though a girl he’d previously spoken to seems to have been one of the crazy ones…
My Tinder experiences haven’t been quite as lucky… Assuming that meeting and hitting it off with me counts as luck. I know the Boy wouldn’t think so…
I am starting to feel a little guilty about putting all of his personal business on here. I may have to remove that post… but not quite yet. I am a tad bit vindictive from time to time, and 3 years is a long time to waste on a push and pull kind of wishy washy, “maybe if I prove myself we can actually be (fill in the blank)” type situation.
Back to the Bartender… although my situation with the Boy is kind of one of the things that started this conversation. A while back, the Bartender told me he didn’t want to hear about my experiences with other guys. This caused a mix of emotions in me. First of all, was he saying it because he was the jealous type and didn’t want to share me with other people? That’s a potentially positive interpretation. Or was it because he didn’t care about my past and where I came from because I was nothing but a novelty to him? Which is how my damaged self-esteem took it.
See, he has one of those names that can be shortened, like how Robert is often shortened to Bob, and his friends tend to call him the shorter name, but I don’t want to because everyone I’ve ever known with that name has been somewhat of a jerk. With a few exceptions. And when I told him that, that was when he chose to tell me he didn’t want to hear about people from my past.
Under further pressing, turns out that he doesn’t want to hear about them because they all seem to make me sad, because almost every single experience with men in my past has been negative.
Which leads us to the Bartender’s Theory of Dating.
The Bartender has surmised that men are intentionally assholic when dating. They choose to be jerks, and it seems that, at least in the Bartender’s estimation, it might very well be our (the ladies’) fault.
Back in the day (and possibly still that way in other parts of the world, like Colombia, where he’s from) men were gentlemen. They held open doors, and they paid, and they wooed us. And we chose bad boys. We chose the guys who were dangerous and slightly rude. We wanted the rebels because they were exciting, even though they didn’t treat us well.
Men watched and learned, and now they are all bad boys, making a gentleman, a hot commodity.
My own personal theory is that he might be somewhat correct, though I hadn’t made the Bad Boy connection. Probably because I only once thought of myself actively choosing a Bad Boy… and he wasn’t actually that Bad in relationships… though it never went anywhere other than one relatively hot kiss in a parking lot before he put gloves on to go “handle some business…”
One of my book club girls once told me she thought I only dated bad boys. Hence, perhaps the Bartender is right.
And, in hindsight, I do tend to pick guys that I think will be good Alpha males, and then it turns out that they are either just assholes, or their alpha qualities are just a facade, and I get bored with them because they can’t offer me the emotional support that I want/need out of a relationship.
Whether intentionally or not, I pick guys that force me to do all the work in order to keep a relationship going!
Guys that ignore me because I’m not worth it, and then I chase them!
Thus, the Bartender’s advice to a friend of his (who asked his advice because he’d had “such success on Tinder”… meaning me) was advice I wished I’d had when I was just starting out dating. And I’m going to share it here for all of you:
- Be up front about what it is that you want. Don’t say you want just fun and then get upset when a guy doesn’t want a relationship.
- Don’t post pics of your kids. Guys are inherently jerks, and you don’t want your kids to be subjected to that. Wait until you meet a guy before you show him your kids. Plus, there are some weirdos out there… you know what I mean.
- If you match with a guy on whatever dating site, do not be the first to message! A gentleman will contact you first, but an asshole will make you do all the work. It begins as early as that first message.
- If he doesn’t message you within an hour, get rid of him… I was skeptical about this one, but think about it, we have our cell phones with us at all times, even in the bathroom! And if you’re on a dating site, it’s likely that you’ll get an alert/notification if you’ve matched someone. It only takes 5 seconds to send a hello.
- Do not, I repeat DO NOT give a guy your number before you meet him in person. If he’s a jerk, he’ll use your number to send unsolicited dick pics, but, on the other hand, if he’s a gentleman, he’ll understand that you are cautious and have high standards and it will make him want to meet you even more. (I find this one curious since this is not how it went down with the Bartender and myself, but it’s a really great point. And ours is a story that is very unique.)
There may have been other points, but those are the 5 that stick out to me as being really good advice.
It’s an interesting balancing act trying to find someone who treats us like the ladies that we are, and yet still maintain our independent status. I still feel like the feminist movement has all but killed chivalry because it has blurred the lines of social etiquette and gender roles, but the Bartender gives good advice. I hope you will find it as insightful as I did.
There must be other gentlemen out there, but the Bartender is mine! For the rest of you ladies looking for a gentleman of your own, I wish you happy hunting! They are a rare treat indeed!