Occasionally things are going so well in a part of my life that I’m afraid to share it on here. The situation surrounding the Bartender has been one of those situations. We all know that I’m in a state of flux at the moment (work and home situations are not entirely stable), but somewhere in the middle of this crazy time of my life, I met a guy. Yes, he’s one of my Tinderfellas, but there’s something special about this one.
Well, there’s lots of things special about him! And as such, I’ve been really lenient on what I’ve shared about him on here because I’m a little afraid I’m going to jinx it.
But the time has come to share him a little bit. Well… a little bit more. I did actually post a pic of his tattoo a while back, and we have talked about him a bit, but things are moving fast, and I think it’s time to evaluate the possibilities before I fall so hard there’s no going back.
First of all, (and I have already told him this) he fulfills my 5 requirements for an Intellectual Alpha Male. I’ve even had to revise my thoughts on it a little bit…
To recap, an intellectual alpha male is, like a regular alpha male, the dominant one in the relationship.
This is important to me. I don’t want to be the one making all the decisions like I’ve watched my mother and grandmother do. For my grandmother, it worked out alright because she’s exceedingly dominant, to the point of being manipulating. Alright, the lady’s downright evil sometimes! My mother on the other hand, it doesn’t suit her, and in fact she was in the hospital just yesterday because the stress of being the dominant one while my father doesn’t actually follow the rules put her in the hospital.
If you don’t mind, I’m going to take a moment and do something I rarely do and ask for any prayers or happy/healing thoughts for her. I may be an adult, but I still need my mom…
So, no, I don’t want to be the dominant one…although my tendencies are to take charge if there’s a lack of leadership, because I need structure, a routine, a sense of order, even if it’s just organized chaos.
To that end, an intellectual alpha male needs to be able to, to put it crudely, put me in my place when I’m going off half-cocked or being pushy. There’s definitely a trick to it because the Boy tried many times to out dominate me and I ended up resenting the hell out of him for it. I want someone to be in charge, but not completely dismiss my feelings, which is why the Boy was never a good fit for me.
But the Bartender… well, he is an absolute gentleman, and when he disagrees with me, or tells me no to something, it’s always very respectful, and he gives the reasons right up front. I was missing him, so I wanted him to come over to spend the night. I live close enough to his work that it would only have made about 10 minutes difference in his wake up time. My logic was sound, but he told me no, and then pointed out that because he likes talking to me so much, if he were here with me we wouldn’t go to sleep but rather spend the whole night talking and then he would be exhausted the next day for work.
My logic was sound, but his was better. And he thanked me for the invitation, telling me how special it made him feel to know that a beautiful woman wanted to spend the night with him.
Respectfully forceful to assert a dominance worthy of my submission.
Not some assholic bit of douchebaggery like temporary ghosting.
A friend of mine and I were discussing that very thing last night. He says that occasionally men need to retreat into a cave of sorts and not respond to a woman to establish dominance because women want a dominant man… He’s right about most women want a dominant man, but temporary ghosting is just rude. We’re adults, and should be grown enough to explain how we feel to people.
The only time I’ve ever ghosted was when the other person became so persistent that I felt that it would be dangerous to continue the conversation. Or if I hadn’t spoken to the person in a really, really long time and they suddenly pop up out of nowhere, and I don’t want to give them false hope. It’s what I should have done when the Boy sent his empty apology Christmas before last. He told me he hadn’t expected me to respond. If I’d been stronger, I wouldn’t have.
Back to important things…
So he’s respectfully dominant. What other traits does the Bartender have? Well he’s funny. He makes me laugh, and even though there are times when I don’t get the sarcasm, he is patient with me because he understands I have to learn his very, very subtle cues that he is joking.
Some people when they are about to make a joke, their tone of voice changes, or there’s a change in their facial expression. Like one of my brothers has only one dimple, and when he was younger, that dimple would show up before he’d tell a joke, so when he was really young and told those stupid jokes that little kids tell… the ones that aren’t funny, I knew I was supposed to laugh because the dimple was showing.
The Bartender’s cues are much more subtle, and I haven’t quite figured out what they are, but, like I said, he’s being patient with me.
Then there’s his practical side. Remember the earlier example of why he
didn’t want chose not to come over one night? He takes care of his business. The Bartender works really hard, and is practical about it. If spending time with me, which he obviously wants to do isn’t practical because of work, he chooses not to spend time with me. He does what he says, he follows through. His word is to be believed, and to me that is very, very important.
I know you must be thinking, ” but he’s a bartender, how hard can he work?” But that’s actually incorrect. On his Tinder profile there was a picture of him behind a bar, and so I thought he was a bartender (hence the nickname), but in fact he works for an airline.
He wants to be a bartender, though. Is very passionate about being the type of bartender that is also part counselor and helps his customers to unwind and feel comfortable. He knows his drinks, and has books about the histories of certain drinks and things. He told me the story of how the Cosmopolitan came into existence, and even recognized it as the prominent drink in Sex and the City.
So, let’s see, that’s 1) respectfully dominant, 2) funny, 3) practical, and 4) passionate. That only leaves number 5: intelligent.
He’s very smart! First of all, to be bilingual is incredibly difficult and his vocabulary in both languages is immense. Well, I assume his vocabulary in Spanish is as extensive as his vocabulary in English. He was telling me a joke about how when I get tired of him I’ll leave him on the side of the road like an unwanted puppy, and that he envisions it with the rain masking his tears… until he gets picked up by some blond in a nice car. When I told him that then it obviously worked out for him, he said that he never said it was a young woman in the car; he didn’t want to be picked up by “some octogenarian…”
Who uses “octogenarian” in a normal conversation? And to make a joke at that?! It’s impressive.
There are other words as well, and it is particularly cute when he knows what it is he is trying to say but has forgotten the word because he’s thinking in Spanish and English.
Plus he says I make him stutter and forget his words. I think this is only fair since he often leaves me speechless.
So he meets my criteria for an Intellectual Alpha, only there’s more balance to it than just me being dominated by him. There is a give and take about making decisions or giving orders.
Like, he told me once that we might have a problem because I want to make him happy and he wants to make me happy… He was particularly talking about being intimate, which is particularly cute. He doesn’t ask if I’ve gotten “there” in a crude way, he looks at me and asks if I’m happy… while my toes are curling and I even got a Charley horse once. He asks me what I’d like for him to do, while I’m trying to get him to tell me what he likes. We finally worked it out a bit, obviously, given the previously mentioned toe curling and Charley horse.
And of course, then there’s the Love Languages. We’ve discussed before how mine are equally split between Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch, while the remaining two are the Receiving of Gifts and Acts of Service. Well, I think his must be the same. He is always touching me: holding my hand, rubbing my leg, touching my face, kissing… lots and lots and lots of kissing.
He rearranges his schedule to spend time with me, and lets me know in advance if he wants to do something special.
He tells me how beautiful I am and how much he likes me on a pretty regular basis. In fact, last night, when I was going out with my previously mentioned friend, I sent him a pic to show him how I looked, and he sent back “Linda.”
Now my Spanish is a little rusty, so I thought he was pretending not to know my name since it was a guy friend with whom I was seeing, but no, “Linda” means beautiful.
Then this morning, he sent me the following video… well this isn’t the same video, but this one has the words translated into English:
And afterwards, when I sent him a pic of me all smiles because it touched my heart, he sent back a single word: “Hermosa.” He tells me I’m beautiful in two languages…
He’s practically perfect in every way…
Yeah, I’m definitely smitten.