Today (or yesterday, depending on your tradition) is Imbolc, a Celtic Pagan holiday celebrating the sun’s return and the last of the snow. I’m fairly certain our (as in American) holiday of Groundhog’s Day comes from this holiday. Well, from the Christian appropriation of this holiday.
Christians took this holiday and called it Candlemas, and from there, they came up with a handy little poem to help determine the weather:
“If Candlemas Day be fair & bright Winter will have another flight But if Candlemas Day be clouds & rain Winter is gone & will not come again.”
The U.S. translated that into if a rodent in Philadelphia sees his shadow, we have, what is it, 6 more weeks of winter.
This year, he did NOT see his shadow, and so they’re predicting an early Spring this year.
But back to Imbolc. It’s a time for Spring cleaning and planning for the future. It’s not quite warm enough to start laying the seeds in the ground to prepare for the harvest, but you can start collecting them. You have to remove the old first. To make room.
Hence the early Spring cleaning.
My life is again in flux. There’s a really great potential relationship in the wings, but there’s also the fear of no place to go, and the fear that I might not be good enough to do my job while I feel unstable, and any number of other fears that I am trying to overcome at the moment.
But, I’ve survived this far, and I think I can make it through this as well. And this Imbolc is the time for me to start removing some of the old and getting the new ready to be planted.
So Out with the Old!
We’ve removed the Boy, or rather he and I have removed each other. There is absolutely no love lost there on either side, I think. And with him gone, I do have room to breathe and actually look at what it is that I want out of life. So much of my time was spent on trying to figure out why he couldn’t return just basic kindness, and I continued to try to show him how I cared, only to be denied over and over again…
It’s a relief to be free of that mess!
The universe is also forcing me to move out of my house. Again. So with that comes the necessary removing of unnecessary things. Like I had two desktop computers that their only function was to play the Sims… I’m sure at some point they had another function, but they’re just so old now, that’s all they would be good for. And even then, only with a bunch of upgrades, I’m sure. So I went through and removed a handful of things from my storage unit, so that when it comes time to move into the new place, I’m only bringing the absolute necessities.
But those are just things…
And sometimes the things that are really cluttering up our world are on the inside. Insecurities, fears, self-criticisms, doubts… These things have kept me down for a very long time, and they still are to a point. These are the things I need to remove from my life.
Strangely, whether he can recognize it or not, the Boy was a large cause for some of my insecurities, doubts, and self-criticisms.
Well… that’s not entirely fair. It’s not his fault I have a fear of abandonment. Being adopted and not looking like my family, and growing up with the idea that maybe I might get traded in like a car, or that I was actively replaced with my brothers was NOT the Boy’s fault.
He did reinforce those fears by pushing me away and then simultaneously telling me that he wanted me around. Ironically enough, he often accused me of the same push-pull, and there was a moment when he snapped at me because I told him I didn’t understand why the behavior was acceptable when he did it. He snapped at me and told me that just because he did something didn’t mean I had to do it, too.
But let’s not get bogged down in him again. He just makes me angry. Very angry.
What I’ve learned from him through the differences between how he treated me (as a friend) versus the way all of my other friends treat me and even the random Tinderfellas I’ve encountered have treated me, is that I am beautiful and intelligent and likable, desirable even! So I’m letting go of my self doubt about myself in that regard.
I still doubt some of my worth in other areas, but I’m working on removing those doubts as well. Meeting with a counselor this week to begin the process of healing some of those wounds.
So Now, Bring in the New
Most notably is the new guy, the Bartender. Turns out that’s not really his job, but it is one of his passions, and we all know how I feel about passion!
It seems passion is one of the things he has in spades… Every conversation ends with him telling me he can’t wait to hold me in his arms, or that he wants to explore the intelligence behind my eyes through conversation until we collapse in each other’s arms…
He calls me “angel,” and “baby,” and we haven’t even met face to face yet…
He gets my way of texting, in that if I ask a question, he always answers it, and if he thinks it’s been too long for me to wait for a response, he apologizes and tells me exactly why he was late in responding. And if the conversation was completed by the time we both fall asleep, he texts me with a good morning hug or by calling me sexy or hot or any other variety of positive adjective. He tells me he’s thinking about me, or better yet, that he can’t stop thinking about me…
And I tend to believe him because he’s answered every question, even the awkward ones, and he’s sent me pics throughout the day of what he’s doing, and occasionally asks me to give him a selfie of what I’m doing at that moment because he wants to see me. And even when I sent one without makeup, and I felt like the bags under my eyes were the only thing to be seen, he told me I was absolutely gorgeous, just like he knew I’d be.
And he sent me a pic of his tattoo… It’s… well it’s much larger than I expected from someone who comes across as so very sweet and even a little… innocent. When he talks dirty, he does so in a very polite way. He doesn’t use the crass words that most men use, or even that I use from time to time… He hasn’t sent me a “dick pic” either.
He’s a gentleman, and a romantic one at that. Kiss before we’ve even heard each other speak? Doesn’t get much dreamier than that!
So when he sent me a DRAGON for his tattoo, I was a little surprised. Particularly with the size and level of detail in the tattoo. I’m no expert, but it looks like it was one of those that hurt. A lot. He says it took 18 hours. But it is sexy, if a little bit surprising.
And he even has a reason why he chose that tattoo, unlike some people I’ve met (notably the Boy’s baby mama who didn’t have any reason for her tattoo that seemed to be in Klingon…).
Yeah, I’m a wee bit smitten again. I’m going to allow myself to enjoy this, though. Before, I was always afraid to go too far and scare the guys off, and if at any point I felt like I was scaring them off, counter to what should have happened, I got more intense because I wanted to let them know that I wasn’t getting attached, just still really interested in them as people, and I wanted to get to know them better.
Well, the Bartender and I had that discussion right up front. I told him about the Asperger’s, and I felt like I was being pushy, and I told him hey, if I get pushy, let me know. I have a habit of overtexting especially when I’m first meeting a person.
His response? He told me that he liked it because he knew that whenever he had a break he had a conversation from me to look forward to.
Lo and behold, when the Gods take something away, it makes room for something better. Finally a man who isn’t intimidated by my intensity!
So that helps to alleviate some of my self doubt. In it’s place, I’m allowing love and respect into my life.
I’m learning how to love myself, by seeing myself through the eyes of these men on Tinder, and now, specifically through the eyes of one man who has already scheduled a date, though he hasn’t given me all the details as of yet. He let me know the dates as a way of showing that he respected my need for a schedule or a set time.
He legitimately respects me, and that is a thing I’m unaccustomed to…
But I’m learning to not allow disrespect, even if I am misunderstanding what is going on, I have the right to voice my opinion and if I’m wrong, then I have the right to apologize for being mistaken, but if I’m correct, I have a right to ask for an apology from the other person. And I have enough respect for myself to not allow the other person off the hook without an apology.
I’m allowing myself to acknowledge my brokenness and to actually make plans to either fix it, or to find alternatives that allow for my brokenness. I’ve never in my life considered myself disabled, but I’m beginning to see how my Asperger’s has put me at a disadvantage for a very long time in certain aspects of life.
This is the year that I become a fully functional member of society, and if that means I have to embrace a title that I’ve never had to wear before in order to get the assistance I need, so be it. It can’t be a coincidence that I’ve crashed three times in a row, and they seem to be happening more and more frequently. It’s time to get the help that I need. I’m allowing healing in!
So this Imbolc, I place my doubts and my past hurts into the sacred flame to be burned away as the snow melts away, and in it’s stead I ask for healing and creativity to usher forth a new and fruitful year.
Hopefully you had a blessed Imbolc surrounded by loved ones, or mayhaps the sacred fire warmed your heart in these cold times. As the wheel turns let us release the hurts and the burdens of the past and welcome the new year and the possibilities it holds.
And with that, I leave you with a bit of my own creativity. I have continued working on my NaNoWriMo piece from last year. It’s far from finished, and in fact, I’d say I’m not even through the first third, though word count wise, I’m halfway through the requirement… albeit several months overdue. I’ll put together a second post for today where I’d like to leave you with a scene from the book, and if it catches your eye, please hop over to Tablo and read some more. I’d love feedback, if you don’t mind.