So I’m out again. Out from work, I mean. I feel helpless, and yet part of me knows exactly what is wrong, but none of me knows how to fix it.
Struggled to get to sleep last night, tripling the anti-anxiety medication that is supposed to prevent that exact problem, and then still woke up in a state of absolute panic. I was going to try to go on in to work in spite of that, and then my arm went numb. The left one. And then, because I started to panic about that, I got shaky.
So, I turned into the ER clinic that is just a few blocks from the school. When they decided to hook me up to an IV instead of telling me it was all in my head and that I should just relax and go on to work, I called (well, I texted) into work to let them know I was going to be out. After an EKG, a chest X-Ray, a urine test, several blood tests, and a very flippant discussion with the ER doctor (who didn’t listen to a thing I said…), he wrote me a note keeping me out for another 2 days, gave me a prescription for something 3 times as strong as the Xanax that usually knocks me out for 8 hours, and made me an appointment with someone NOT my doctor for later in the day.
By the time I saw the new doctor, whatever had caused the panic attack had passed (which I’m fairly certain I know what it is, but we’ll get to that in a second), and so he should have released me to go back to work, but instead said he thought I really need to see a therapist because obviously I was suffering from panic attacks and the meds would only help the symptoms, but not cure the problem.
Well, no shit, Sherlock.
I thanked him for understanding that, and asked if he could recommend a doctor who could help me cope with my Asperger’s, because I was fairly certain the anxiety and occasional depression were basically side effects of the Asperger’s that were indicators of me going into what I call shutdown mode.
He, like the oh so flippant ER doctor, looked at me like I was stupid and, also like the ER doctor, told me he really felt I needed to get a second opinion on that and shouldn’t try to label myself…
Not labeling myself. Yes I initially self-diagnosed, but it’s been confirmed. By an actual doctor or psychologist or psychiatrist or whatever.
I told him I’d still like to see a list of therapists that could help me with that condition, and the list he gave me, like all the other lists I’ve come across, were full of doctors who will only see children.
The ones who worked with adults worked specifically with depression, anxiety, and eating disorders.
I know I’m on the large side, but do I look like I have an eating disorder? Seriously…
So the cycle begins again.
What cycle, you ask? This cycle: Something in my life suddenly disrupts my entire existence, be it a work thing or a home thing and heaven forbid it happen in both places. Then I begin to get anxious about it because I don’t know which step to start with first to fix whatever problem there is. Then the anxiety causes heart problems which means I end up missing work. Missing work means I end up with more things on my To-Do list which adds to the anxiety because I can’t identify what is the priority because now they all seem like priorities. Then eventually, I can’t cope with it and I shutdown, escaping into writing, or sometimes just into a fantasy.
The fantasy escape leads to me spending a lot of time in bed, not always sleeping, but actually daydreaming about a relationship, or about my fictitious life as a princess of a lost island. Which is basically what 2014’s unfinished NaNoWriMo story is based on. Sometimes I combine the two.
It’s a fun little fantasy… which we’ll discuss later. Maybe.
Either way, the fantasy escape, where I’m in bed a lot leads to me either not eating accept once a day, or taking all the worst foods into my room with me and eating them between scenes in the fantasy. So to the outside world I look depressed. I become very anti-social, and I need the fantasy to decompress and get away from the anxiety.
But the cause of the anxiety is still there. I haven’t solved anything, just postponed it.
Sometimes, I’ll feel rejuvenated by the escape and I’ll be super productive and get everything I need to do done, and it will be fine!
Sometimes I’ll feel like there’s no hope and want to quit my life and start over. I’ve tried that a couple of times. And each time I thought I was making progress, but would end up back here.
Today, I made little progresses.
So what is it that caused this shutdown?
It’s not a boy, like most people attribute to some of the ones in the past. The boy I’m currently talking to is practically perfect in every way. (I’m talking about the bartender, for those of you who don’t know). He is currently visiting his daughter in another state (and hopefully making some progress with his divorce proceedings), but he texted me a wonderful good morning message and let me know he was getting on the plane. I haven’t heard back since, but I figured he’d be busy. I’m not stressing over him. He’s handsome, and we’ve made plans for when he gets back into town, and he calls me “angel.”
And he knows exactly how to properly compliment me…
He comments on how the reason he likes my smile is because he can see the intelligence behind my eyes…
He also knows about the Asperger’s, and is willing to work with me so it doesn’t become an issue. We’ve even agreed to regularly discuss where we are emotionally so neither of us gets hurt in the event that we don’t hit it off as well as we both think we will. We had a very serious discussion about it last night, that ended with him thanking me for being so honest with him, and yet him saying he was convinced that we would never hurt each other because we both were caring and mature adults.
That is a thing that has been sadly lacking from many of my prior relationships…
So he’s definitely not the cause of my anxiety!
In fact, he’s rather dreamy!
So what about work?
I was totally ready to go last week. My lessons were in, my copies were made for the entire week. I’d spent over $100 on supplies for things we’d need so that it would go smoothly and be more than just reading and answering questions… and my grades were done, just not in the computer yet.
They’re sitting in a folder, ready to input as soon as I get to the school because for whatever reason, when I input them at home, they don’t stick. It’s happened several times, and when I explain it to the computer guy, he tells me I didn’t do it right, but then doesn’t have any explanation as to what I’m doing wrong.
Of course, turns out the same thing has been happening with my referrals for students who have misbehaved. Not a single referral has made it into the system. Not one. So no wonder some of those kids think they can walk all over me. Nothing is done when I write them up… because it’s not making it into the system.
Obviously I am feeling some amount of stress there. I am feeling like there are a ton of things that I didn’t get taught because I was hired so late, and memos that I’ve missed, for whatever reason, and things that are way overdue because of all the things that I’m learning as we go that I was supposed to do that I didn’t know I was supposed to do because I was hired on so late.
Part of me feels like I took this job too soon because it fell in my lap and that usually is a good sign. Maybe this time, it wasn’t.
So, there is a slight feeling of instability there. Enough so, that I do get a little anxious when I know grades aren’t in where they’re supposed to be, whether or not they’re really ready or not.
But that’s still not enough to make me crater like this…
What’s really done it is that I’m again facing homelessness.
I knew that this housing situation was going to be temporary, but I had decided I wanted to buy the house I’m living in. I had started the paperwork actually, but wanted to wait to see if I could actually afford it, and see what I was going to have from my income tax return to see if I could actually come up with the down payment.
I was trying to be responsible and not get everyone’s hopes up in case it was an impossibility.
But the owner of the house has sold it out from under us. I have until March 1st to find a new place. And even though I’m paid through the 20th, now the owner is saying that he might need to store stuff in my room…for some reason.
One of the other girls says he’s just being a bully, which seems accurate. He also made me cancel a Mary Kay party for what turned out to be no reason whatsoever. I wasn’t really feeling up to it, so I didn’t put up much of a fight, but he apparently bragged about it to one of the other roommates.
She’s packing faster now because she says it’s obvious that he’s just going to become more and more of a dick as we get nearer to the move out date.
The whole situation has me feeling very unstable, and financially, I’m not in a place to start all over again. I thought I’d have more time… But with the necessity of the new car, I’ve now overextended myself and it will be nigh on impossible to get into a new place.
It always comes down to money, doesn’t it?
So, now I’ve panicked myself into multiple doctors visits, and an ER visit as well, and now I’m super behind on work, and I’ve got to figure out how I’m going to be able to keep my car because now the money is going to be short, and I have to figure out where I’m going to live, and I really need to be out of here by the 20th, even though he said we had until the 1st…
Work needs to be a priority because I don’t want to lose my job, but how can I focus on work when I’m facing homelessness? Then the house needs to be priority, but how can I find a place when I know I’m struggling with the financial side of things? Well, in order to keep the financial side of things afloat (as they say), I have to keep things good at work… But how can I focus on work when…? And it goes round and round in circles.
Circles that lead to anxiety, which leads to a shutdown, which then makes the financial and work situations even harder, which makes the housing situation harder again.
How do normal people deal with stuff like this? Because it seems like I end up in this type of a mess way more than the average person, and I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong…
I want an end to the cycle!