I caved.

I’m in a weak place at the moment. It’s been a few days since I had decent food, as in solid food, real food, my heart beat has been racing, I haven’t been able to sleep. I’m feeling not like myself at all, with a stabbing feeling behind the eye… and some nausea. Lots of nausea.

So this will be a short post. 

In my weakened state, even though I have a tentative date for tomorrow night (assuming that I’m back to being human by then), instead of resting like I should have been doing, I decided to contact the Boy again.

It was a mistake, like I knew it would be, but some little part of me hoped. Hoped that he would have read what I’d sent him before and that he truly understood finally what I’ve been trying to tell him since the beginning: that he doesn’t treat me like an equal, like I’m worthy of him, like I’m even a human being with feelings and even an inkling of an intelligent thought.

Of course, what ensued was him telling me he was just done and he didn’t owe me anything. He used my behavior on New Year’s to explain why he didn’t owe me anything. Just like he used whatever argument it was 3 Christmases ago to explain why I never got a mixed cd. Or why he cancelled our Valentine’s Dinner, or why I had to beg to get the birthday gift he said he’d get, or why he didn’t think he needed to get me a gift as some sort of gesture that he valued me and that things would be different this time, or like when I needed him because I was contemplating suicide and needed him to lean on for a moment because I was not stable and he makes me feel like everything is going to be okay just by being in my presence. Or like when I had to beg him to watch one of my favorite movies, or when I had to beg to go to the museum (which took years to make happen) or, or, or…

The list is long.

The list of times he has made me justify my reasons for wanting or needing something, and the list of times he’s backed out on something and said it was because of me and how I reacted to something. It’s never his fault. It’s never that he just didn’t think I was worth the effort, although that’s what each thing said to me. Which is why we would fight over it.

He makes me justify every little thing I ask of him. He should be the one to schedule something. But why? Well, because his schedule is busier than mine and it hurts for me to continuously ask him to go do stuff and have him cancel because he already has plans. I’ve been making that argument for a long time, and he finally decided to do it, and that very conversation said we should go see a movie, and then told me to let him get back to me with which movie…

Which to me said he was going to forget, because history has shown that he never follows through with those things. Like the staycation, that he decided we couldn’t go on because it might be suggestive of something he wasn’t sure at the time if he wanted, or the Christmas gift that he already told me what it would be, but that never materialized… even now, three Christmases later.

So I picked a movie, one that I wasn’t particularly interested in, but I said I was because I wanted him to go and for it to really be just about us… which, if you remember, it wasn’t. He spent a goodly amount of the movie on his phone, which upset me, and led to a fight because I was too upset once I finally asked him about why he was on the phone that I couldn’t let it go right away.

Anyway, that’s all past. I told him I didn’t need to hear from him, and then I caved, because, well, I do need to understand. I need to understand why he doesn’t feel like he has done anything wrong in the whole time we’ve known each other, and I’ve had to be the one to try and understand him, and even when I explain myself to him, he still doesn’t take my feelings into consideration. Or he does for a moment, and then later it’s as if we never had that conversation…

So I pushed. Pushed him to answer that one question: Why do I have to justify everything, while he gets to decide things and that’s supposed to just be the end of the discussion? I asked it several different ways so there would be no misunderstanding of what I was asking.

And he said he would answer it, and then promptly told me that no, he wouldn’t, because it would just turn into more questions…

He denied me the one thing I have asked since the very beginning: truth. Truth about how he feels, and equal consideration in how he treats me. Be considerate of how he talks to me, and think about how it would effect me as well as him, and be honest with me.

Alright, two things, but either way, he denied them both.

It did not leave a good feeling in my gut. And I don’t know if he will ever get around to answering the question. I’m running out of ways to ask the same thing in order to get an actual answer.

I’m not even sure why I need an answer, but for some reason, I do. I need to know why…

So, not such a short post, but sort of short… by my usual standards. And without pictures… Sorry. Just needed to vent today.

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