Posted in Dating

The Alpha-Beta Balance

Relationships are tricky things. Trying to enter into a new relationship even more so. There’s this balancing act involved where you have to figure out exactly how much of your real self to put out there in order to find the right type of guy. Especially if you are more of an Alpha female. The struggle is real, let me tell you!


The last time I spoke about a guy (other than the Boy), I was talking about the new boy who had several of the traits of my past mistakes lovers, which I always take as a good sign if they’re traits I liked.

Unfortunately, he also has the worst of the decidedly Beta male traits that I didn’t like from all of them: the lack of follow through.

While he was the one who initiated contact (complete with praising me for having a profile pic with a book), after a few days of conversation, he’s left it to me to do all the work. At first, there was an equal amount of back and forth. Then he got sick. And I backed off. Then I asked him specifically if we were going to ever get around to meeting, because, well, apparently guys need an overt sign in order to make a move.

He assured me that yes we would, but not during the week. He’s too stuck in his routine. This was fine for me. I’m just getting back into my own routine from the holidays, so no big deal. But now we’re at the end of a weekend, and I’m the one initiating conversation trying to figure out if we’re going to meet sometime soon. His birthday is a week from today and he had asked me to get him a gift… Probably a joke, but I don’t want the first and only time we meet to be me giving him a gift.

Feels like the Boy all over again, and I’m not having that.

So here’s the dilemma: do I get pushy?


Do I take the initiative and suggest an outing? And does me suggesting the outing mean I have to pay?

Being a dominant female makes dating hard sometimes. Particularly because I’d prefer to not be the dominant one in the relationship.

What I really want is a man who makes the plans. I want a man who will find out when I’m available and make the plans and then f*cking FOLLOW THROUGH!

I don’t want to have to ask when he’s available. I don’t want to have to suggest what we do. I don’t want to have to give him an engraved invitation to ask me out.

And yet, I’m attracted to intellectuals who tend to be slightly more sensitive than the traditional alpha males, and so they seem to be less likely to take the chance and put themselves out there to be rejected.


So I get stuck being the dominant one (and consequently, the one who puts myself out there to be rejected, over and over and over again). I end up trying to hint and suggest that we do this, that, or the other thing, and “when is good for you?” I try to offer suggestions and let them take over, but, as what happened in the end with the Boy, I get impatient because, well, frankly, it shouldn’t be this damned hard to plan a date!

It wasn’t always like that with him. When I asked the Boy if he was going to ask me out or not, he planned our first date, down to that horrible nasty Pho, and he didn’t ask. Or rather, there was a moment when he was trying to ask what we were going to do for dinner, but instead he said “I’m thinking about ___ for dinner.” That’s not a question, and I didn’t understand what he was trying to imply. Once he took me to dinner, I understood, and I wish I’d put some input in because I apparently don’t like Pho.


And the first time we were intimate, I had come over because I was enjoying the conversation with him more than the conversation with my other date at the time. As part of the tour of his apartment, he took me to the bedroom to show me the awesome view from his window, and while we were both looking out the window, he took what he wanted. No questions asked, no permission sought; there was an understanding that my coming over at that time of the evening was all the permission he needed.

And it was PERFECT!

And it is why he ruined me. I want that level of confidence and control. I want to be able to be slightly dominant, but then let the man take over. I want the power struggle where there is the back and forth of two equally dominant people trying to establish who is going to come out on top, but in the end, he wins.

It is really tough to find that these days. Men these days are becoming more and more sensitive, which is fine to a point. But there needs to be a balance.

sensitive guys

Just like I think that there needs to be a true neutral Force in Star Wars (the struggle for the new movie is real, too), so, too, does there need to be a balance between masculine and feminine energies in relationships.

I want to revise that statement: There needs to be a balance in Alpha and Beta energy in relationships. Traditionally, males have been the Alphas in relationships, and females have been the Betas, so the idea in the “traditional” model is that the man, with his Alpha/masculine energy, is the one that makes the decisions and the woman, with her feminine/Beta energy, is the one who is at home waiting for her husband to tell her what to do now.

It’s an insulting thing to say, and therefor I want to change the way we look at it.

I accept that I come from a matriarchal family structure, and therefor I take the Alpha role in a lot of ways, but I want to be the submissive one. I have to be in charge all day long at work; in my social life, I don’t want to have to be in charge.

So, when I find a man I like, I get very suggestive, hoping they’ll take the initiative and make something happen.


Then when it doesn’t, I have a conundrum: do I push? Do I take over and establish myself as the Alpha? Or do I, instead wait and wonder if they’re going to get around to making a move, but just aren’t ready to do so yet? And if the latter, how long do I wait before I accept that the man is just not interested?

Moments like these, I wish that traditional gender roles were still around so I wouldn’t have to wonder. Traditionally speaking, if I have to wait and wonder, then I know he’s not interested.

This very thing is what made things weird with the Boy and me: his actions showed that he wasn’t interested and yet his words suggested otherwise. I accepted that he was more of a Beta male than I had originally thought (given how strongly Alpha he was in the beginning), and kept giving him the chance to prove me wrong. Instead, I just put myself in a place to be hurt over and over and over again.

To avoid a repeat mistake, I ended up telling the new guy (who will get a nickname if he makes it past this weekend) that I needed him to make a move, or I was going to move on.

I did it nicer than that, but that was the gist of it. That was a few hours ago, and nothing yet. Apparently that was too Alpha for him.


I guess we’ll move on to the next one.



High school teacher by day, relationship/romance blogger by night. Help me add author to the list. Vote for my book idea here:

One thought on “The Alpha-Beta Balance

  1. That’s so frustrating and I go through that as well. I’m not even naturally “alpha”, but I like intelligent guys just like you do. I find that with that type of guy it is really rare that they follow through with things. I’ve found that this could be because they are shy, unsure if that is even what they want or balancing other “situations” as well. I think you should push the issue of going out with a guy if you are truly interested in getting to know him. I don’t see anything wrong with you giving him that ultimatum either. Life is too short to be waiting around for a guy–a guy that initiated conversation with you, to make up his mind about when you guys are going to go out. Best of luck to you!

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