My experiences on Tinder have shown me that the dating game is decidedly different than what my mother tried to prepare me for when I was younger!
As I’ve stated before, I am really just getting into the dating game. I don’t think I ever really understood how it was supposed to work when I was younger, and now that I’m really ready to settle down, I have to relearn all the rules to find a forever lover. And those rules are forever changing! The terms are different, and the rules about what is or is not taboo are very different.
Obviously, I am not a conservative girl. Just because I haven’t been a big dater until recently doesn’t mean that I don’t have stories to tell… Seriously, one of these days I’m going to put down in print some of the stories of my adventures in Kansas City one summer…
But sometimes I am still surprised by the lack of decorum in the dating world these days. There’s an openness that is both refreshing and simultaneously disturbing. And it’s easiest to see it in how people phrase things related to dating, sex, and relationships.
Even just the terms for sex through the years have gotten more and more violent. Granted, a long time ago, as in Shakespeare’s time, an orgasm was referred to as “the little death,” but that’s not as bad as referring to sex as “smashing,” or a guy saying he’s going to “beat that p*ssy up.” Both are inherently violent terms! And while rough sex has it’s place, I don’t know when it became acceptable to use violence to lure a woman into the bedroom.
Even Urban Dictionary’s synonyms for smash (from as far back as 2003) are equally as violent. “Hittin’ it?” If you’re not talking about a ball while you have a bat or club in your hand, then I think you’re talking about the wrong thing… Or are you attacking some large creature that is threatening your life?
Don’t answer that. We’re going to create a new (horrible) euphemism if we follow that particular thought.
The whole purpose of a euphemism is to be able to replace the term with something less unpleasant or vulgar than whatever it is you’re talking about. It’s the reason why people say “passed on” instead of just “died.” It’s more pleasant, sounds nicer. “Passed on” has a pleasant connotation, suggestive of a nice afterlife sitting on clouds and feeling constant happiness. “Smashing” sounds like you broke something.
Or another really horrible one that a friend of mine reminded me of (though it is decidedly not new) “bumping uglies…” Not a pleasant connotation at all. I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes sex isn’t supposed to be sweet and soft and “love making,” but who wants the mental picture of “bumping uglies?” And who says that and goes “mmmm, yeah that sounds like a good thing to do”?
The euphemisms for sex are getting more vulgar instead of more pleasant. This is backwards. A quick Google search can help you find tons throughout the ages, but there’s a pretty comprehensive list over at Thought Catalog…
And yes, “Snu Snu” made the list.
My personal favorite from a quick scan of the list, though: “Aggressive Cuddling.” See? That has a cute connotation that I wouldn’t mind saying in front of other people… Which is the point in a euphemism.
Sorry. We just take our euphemisms very seriously in the South…
But it’s not just sex euphemisms that have become crude. The actual rules of dating have become so wildly diverse that you can ask a person if they’re “DTF” and this is an acceptable question.
For those of you who are new to dating or don’t know what I’m talking about for whatever reason, “DTF”means “down to f*ck.” As in “are you cool to just do that and not worry about the rest?” It’s like asking someone to be a f*ck buddy… but minus the buddy part.
I think that’s the part I really don’t get. If I’m going to enter into that kind of arrangement, it needs to be on both parties’ terms, and every guy who has tried to enter into that arrangement with me has assumed that the frequency I require to satiate my hunger in the beginning of the arrangement means I’m looking for a long term relationship.
No, sweetie, I just have needs that you are only partially meeting. I’m interested in you, and want to play with you quite frequently until I’m done. There’s such a thing as a “honeymoon phase” for a reason.
But dating has changed so much that if you’re DTF, you should be willing to go anywhere to get that, and not just to one person. No commitments or expectations of commitment required… at least not from the guy. The girl is supposed to be willing to be there at his beck and (booty) call, but any time a girl goes to the guy for that, she’s considered clingy.
There is still a slut-shaming double standard in our culture where girls who are DTF aren’t considered date-worthy because it means there is something emotionally wrong with them, because if they want sex, it should mean they want a serious relationship. If a girl wants sex but doesn’t want a serious relationship, it must be a trap…
I’ve spoken about this particular frustration before. It was a double standard that both the Boy and the Artist both tried to thrust upon me…amongst other things.
See what I did there?
Of course, there were a multitude of other problems, but one in particular that the Boy and the Artist and Superman and even the Investment Broker attempted to thrust upon me. Of them, the Artist was the most obvious at using a technique that I’ve now learned is called “honeypotting.”
A honeypot, ladies and gentlemen, was the euphemism they used to use for a chamber pot, and a chamber pot was the pot or urn that was used for going to the restroom inside the house before the invention of indoor plumbing. The idiom about being poor, “so poor he doesn’t have a pot to piss in,” stems from this very thing: being so poor as to not be able to afford a proper chamber pot or honeypot.
Move forward several hundred years and it became a term that people use for the vagina. I don’t like where this is going already…
Move forward to now and it is a term used for luring someone into thinking they are entering into a relationship just for sex…
The Investment Broker attempted to “honeypot” me as well, but what he tried to use to lure me was worse than what he was actually after. He should have just been up front and honest… He would have had better luck that way.
And no I am not going to use what the above Urban Dictionary post says is the appropriate male term! I refuse to differentiate based on gender because it’s a shitty thing to do no matter what your gender, and a honeypot is where you put shit, and not, contrary to semi-popular opinion, another word for a vagina.
I refuse to use a word describing an excrement receptacle to mean the same as my lady bits. I just won’t do it.
I feel the same about that stupid word “bae.”
I obviously could go on. There seems to be a plethora of words (please share your favorite/most hated ones in the comments below), words that have altered dating and sex to the point where it’s just a dangerous game now, a game in which respect doesn’t seem to be a factor, and it really needs to be.
It seems in an attempt to make sex less taboo (because it is just a natural act, after all) we’ve gone too far to the other extreme, making sex more important than love or even just respect, and creating an atmosphere of lusty, bawdy hedonism… Which wouldn’t be bad except there needs to be a balance.
Give it a generation or two… maybe less the way this particular
trend pendulum trendulum is swinging, people are going to swing back to the uber conservative views of the 1950’s, or maybe even the Victorians.
I wouldn’t mind the Victorians; they were pretty mundane in polite company, but an orgasm was the cure for hysteria. Imagine your doctor giving you a prescription for a sex toy… I’m just saying…