Yesterday, or last year, if you want to be silly, I wrote a post about how the Boy and I finally made progress. Then at about 12:15 this morning, that came to a crashing halt, and based on the way his and my mutual friends helped me through it, I realize now that actual progress doesn’t have to involve him.
Rather, real, honest to goodness progress for me needs to NOT include him!
I’ve been coming to it over and over again. I’ve been trying to work out what it is about me that makes him treat me the way he does, or why I wasn’t good enough for him, and why I am unworthy of his kindness, friendship, compassion, and what have you for quite some time now. People keep telling me (and when I go back and read, I keep telling me, too) that I deserve better, and that the problem isn’t with me, but with him, and that I need to just remove him from my life.
Year before last, I realized all of this because his words and his actions didn’t match even then. But at the time he was convinced that I was actively trying to date him even though he’d moved on (while we were supposedly working on us, by the way). He couldn’t let me have the closure that I wanted. He’s not good with endings.
Yes, I really have to stop making excuses for him.
At some point, I decided that because he came back, after I’d moved on completely, that he was really going to try.
And he has.
When it’s convenient for him.
But there are questions I need answered that he’s never going to be able to answer for me because he just doesn’t care about me. Never has. Never really will. And it’s time that I take that knowledge and actually do something with it!
Last year began with he and I tentatively being friends again. We hadn’t seen each other in a really long time, and people were nervous about he and I being at this same New Year’s party together, but it was fine. I didn’t want to date him, and I was comfortable with my plans that I’d made for after the party. It hurt to watch him be lovey and cuddly with the chick he replaced me with, but he was solidly WITH her, so it wasn’t a big deal.
Of course, then, at the beginning of February when he cheated on her with me (even though she is into the whole poly lifestyle, so there was no reason to cheat), it became something of a big deal. Shortly after that, she moved back to the other side of the country and is now happy with someone else. A woman.
Now, of course, the narrative has changed from his perspective because he has forgotten how it all went down, how the timeline ran and he tells me that she was already gone and he just didn’t want to go into it with me… which is a pretty unbelievable lie. I only found out she didn’t know because he started asking me to be discreet if we were going to continue seeing each other.
Either way, Karma bit him in the butt. Hard! And he would talk to me about it, more than all of his other friends, it seems, and tell me things that they didn’t know, so it felt like we were actual, true friends.
But every now and then, it would really stick in my belly how ironic and sadistic the situation was. He wanted me to commiserate with him about him going through exactly what he’d put me through, only he didn’t see it the same way. Granted, there was an added part of his story that’s not my place to tell on the internet… one that I did allude to, and I think I actually told, but not with his nickname, so hopefully people wouldn’t link it to him, because I know that he would consider that an unforgivable act, but the similarities are there.
I’ll put it to you this way: if his situation and my situation were any similar, the internet might think we were talking about Star Wars…
But anyway, he leaned on me for emotional support for that situation, not realizing or caring that it was something of a burden for me, and when I finally said something about it, he got angry at me because he felt like I was just rubbing his nose in it or somesuch. I don’t remember why he originally got upset over it, but because he couldn’t acknowledge that it was similar, it comes up every now and then.
A good many of our fights come up again because he can’t acknowledge that my point of view, my feelings, are valid. He just changes things to be my fault. Like with the gift thing. And it’s ridiculous.
Last night/this morning was my fault. I’ll take the blame for that.
No! I take CREDIT for that, because it led to a final understanding of what needed to happen with he and I.
So, last night we were at the same New Year’s party that we’ve gone to for three years in a row. Now, the first time, when he brought me, I had to beg to get him to take me and he made me promise that I wouldn’t present myself as his girlfriend. He told me that he didn’t want to take me because people might get the wrong idea about us because he didn’t just bring people to these types of events.
We already briefly discussed how last year he was lovey and cuddly with the woman he replaced me with, but, as I said before, he was solidly with her. She was his girlfriend! It made sense that he’d bring her. It hurt, but it made sense that she got the things he didn’t give me because we had just been dating and he’d apparently already decided he didn’t want anything at all to do with me at that point.
Fast forward to last night. I knew he was bringing someone, because I’d asked. I had almost decided not to go because of it. I knew it was going to be tough, because I KNEW that whoever he brought wasn’t his girlfriend. They didn’t have the title because he’s seeing multiple people at the moment, including a married woman.
I just didn’t expect that it would be the married woman that he brought last night.
Or that he would allow her to be affectionate with him, like he had made me promise not to do when he had brought me two years prior.
Or that he would (jokingly) tell me to “f*ck off,” and “f*ck you,” and “go f*ck yourself” quite so many times. Each time they were jokes, but he really didn’t have much else to say to me all night.
I had to ask him for a hug, while he went and hugged other people as he said hello, but I had to ask. And even when I asked, he told me I’d have to wait a minute.
So much for niceness and just treating me like a human being.
So, I needed to know. I needed to understand how a married woman, whom he was just casually dating, could get invited and treated with respect and affection, but I had to beg. How could he NOT see the difference in how he treated me? How could he NOT see that what made me uncalm was the disrespect he’d shown me throughout the years?
I thought it wise to not ask these things while he was in the middle of a conversation. Thought it not a good idea to pull him aside and make a big scene. I thought it best to ask him as he was leaving so then it could have been just a small thing and we’d go our separate ways, and end of discussion. We wouldn’t have had to have a fight.
Just one question: Why did I have to beg to get invited?
And instead he refused to answer the question and made it into a big deal. To the point where, because I was insistent, he told me he was “really trying not to put me in the dirt.”
The host asked me to not have drama, so I gave in and didn’t get the answer to the question. Instead I sat in the middle of the kitchen floor and cried for a good 45 minutes, with people telling me that I was worthwhile, and that I was a beautiful person, and that one day I’d come to the party with someone who treated me the way I truly deserved to be treated, and that they wanted this to not make me feel like I couldn’t come back because they wanted me there…
People, his friends, telling me that it wasn’t me, it was him, but that I needed to love myself and recognize the good in me.
It was touchy for a minute. I did have that moment when I really thought it would just be easier to wrap my car around a tree because no one is ever going to see any worth in me. Not anyone who would be willing to date me, anyway…
Obviously there are some people who see value in me as a dateable person because three guys from my Tinder cue were texting me “Happy New Year’s” while I was crying on the floor. And one tried to get me to come to his hotel to “start the New Year off right.”
Well, I am starting it off right, even if I didn’t go to anyone’s hotel.
I’m starting it without the Boy. Deleted his number…after blocking his calls. Deleted all our emails and correspondences. The good and the bad. Blocked him on Facebook and Google+ (although he’d already done some of that after one of our earlier fights). And am resigned to not let him interfere with my well-being anymore.
Getting rid of him from my life is my New Year’s Resolution.
I would still like to get my gesture from him, just because dammit, I deserve it, but I know that I won’t get it, and I’m fine with that.
So Happy New Year! Here’s to making forward moving progress in the year to come! And may 2016 be the best year yet!