Mistakes will be made

One of the things I’m always battling in my social life is whether or not to trust my instincts. Sometimes Usually they are right on. We just recently discussed this very thing. My main exception to that is and probably always will be the Boy… although the verdict is out whether or not I’m actually wrong where he’s concerned.

My problem with him has always been the contradiction. He doesn’t show me that he wants me around, because we don’t spend that much time together. The time we do spend together, I have to ask, or suggest, or sometimes even beg… And yet, when I try to walk away, he comes after me.

And you know what they say: 

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He’s still there…

He points out that he keeps showing up…

My argument to that is that I’ve been showing up more and trying harder, and so I need more effort than for him to just “show up.”

So we’ve agreed to let him do more than just show up for the next two weeks to see if we can alter the pattern. In those two weeks, I’m not to bring up any past behavior, or any patterns. He says I don’t give him the chance to prove things are different because I’m so sure he’s going to hurt me again…

Which is true, I suppose.

Of course, I’ve already analyzed and re-analyzed the conversation in which we made this agreement and found several things I’d like to clarify, but now cannot, and hopefully it won’t eat me alive from the inside out.

That’s always the thing, isn’t it? I let him in and he hurt me so bad that there should have been some gigantic grandiose gesture to prove that he legitimately was sorry for hurting me. Instead, he asked me to be his friend. And there’s this part of me that thinks that’s letting him have his cake and eat it, too. And then there’s the part of me that still NEEDS him in my life, because he is one of those few people who truly sees me.

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And yet, if he truly saw me, wouldn’t he know that I needed the grandiose gesture? Wouldn’t he understand that when I put my hand on his leg (granted it did go wandering a bit) that it was because I feel safe with him, and I needed that feeling of protection for a moment when I was surrounded by strange people, and I felt very vulnerable and not okay?

Contradictions… How can he be the only person I feel that comfortable with, and yet also the person who makes me feel the least valued or wanted?

So I swipe through Tinder, ever on the hunt for someone who will give me the sweet words and the touches that I crave and still be someone I don’t have to wear a mask for.

The Stripper (who I think we need to change his nickname, although the only one that fits is “the Married Guy,” but that’s putting an awful lot of his business out there… And it’s supposedly just a technicality anyway, so that’s not entirely fair) did come out to play for a bit the other day. Drove the hour in rush hour traffic to come and hang out for a bit and just talk and stuff.

He explained a little bit more about his situation, and it is a thing that I’m comfortable dealing with, if he’s being honest. My instincts tell me that he’s only being half truthful with me, and I’m too curious about what he’s holding back to not give him a little bit of a chance.

Plus, he’s more touchy feely than I am, and it has been really nice not having to beg to have my hand held, or worry about if I touch him that he might recoil as if bitten by a snake. I really am an affection whore…

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Is he a keeper? Verdict is still out. Either he’s being honest and he’s actually in a situation that allows for a real relationship, or he’s a big fat liar and will never be anything more than an occasional distraction at best, and a huge mistake at worst.  At the moment, I’m enjoying the sweetness of the caresses, and the way he worships me when he kisses me.

It’s nice.

And probably not the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.

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On Tinder, I’ve met some real winners!

We talked about the poor band director who told all of his negative things, but none of his positives; he would have been a huge mistake. The list of negatives: he’s short (three inches shorter than me), the height difference makes intimacy difficult, he has no stamina, he’d already knocked up one girl this year, and he added that he was not well endowed to the list before I finally asked him when he was going to tell me the reasons why I should consider playing with him…

He got offended. Probably rightfully so. I don’t think a woman is supposed to talk so bluntly, but dude! Seriously?! He didn’t even ask me out so we could get to know each other before he started telling me all the reasons why we might have problems in the bedroom. Jeesh!

Glad I thought better of that one.

The latest Tinder mistake has the same first name as the little band director. That should have been a sign, right? He keeps asking me to do the older teacher who seduces her student fantasy. I’m a sucker for a good fantasy. It’s one of my question game questions… So I asked him to share the fantasy. It’s pretty standard, but he kept referring to his… parts as “young,” “thick,” “massive,” and various other adjectives that make a girl curious…

And he was adamant about sending me a pic so I knew just what I’d be getting if we made his fantasy a reality.

Thus I gave him my number… which, of course was a mistake.

I’ll admit, he wasn’t exaggerating with the adjectives… accept the young part. He’s only two years younger than me. That’s hardly worth commenting on.

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I’m not a cougar, or even a Puma for that matter. I’m not old enough! And he’s not young enough.

He’s also not getting any more calls or texts or Tinder messages. We tried to have a phone conversation, and it was like talking to a cardboard cutout. No brain there at all. He just kept talking about his “young, massive, hard” thing. He failed the conversation test.

And made me feel old while he was doing it.

And then he called me at 4:30ish in the morning. On a Saturday!

I get it, he wasn’t asleep yet. He works the midnight shift or whatever, so he was just getting off work, but that’s usually what time my alarm starts going off in the morning. On Saturdays, I get up at that time, go to the bathroom, and then go the fuck back to sleep! I don’t party that late…

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Which brings us to the “gentleman” who took me out last Sunday. He had hoped to go out this weekend. I had originally told him I was up for it… and I would be if he had picked one day, but he wanted my whole weekend.

Now Sweetie, that’s just selfish. Plus everyone who knows me knows that I need a day to not get out of my pj’s. We agreed to go see Star Wars tomorrow on his day off, and I said I’d stay out with him tomorrow if he liked. I had suggested we go to the movies today, and then party like rocks stars tonight, but he said he wouldn’t go to the movies on a Saturday night… well, then tomorrow it is.

When he called to confirm plans for tonight, he got a little pushy…

And by a little, I mean he all but threw a temper tantrum while he struggled not to tell me that I was being an old fuddy duddy.

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Never mind that, he also called me woman… and “little lady…”

I’m six years older than him.

And it’s not all about partying anymore for me. I like intellectual pursuits. I’m not going to drink and party like a college girl. I’ve lived that life, and I’ve got stories that would curl your toes and your hair.

Ask me about the blind date while I was in Kansas City that ended with me going to a strip club with three strangers… yeah, I’ve got stories.

And yeah, I can party like nobody’s business, but only when I want to, and I am not comfortable enough with him to have him take me out for a party like that.

Plus, he and Superman dated the same girl. I’m not sure I’m comfortable having her leftovers twice.

Plus, the similarities with Superman don’t end there. And they’re friends. The odds of running into Superman while out with the Gentleman are higher than I’m comfortable with.

I’m trying to go forward, not backward. I may even tell him to forget about the movie. I don’t want to unintentionally use him for a movie. Well, and now that I’ve thought about it, wouldn’t it be intentionally using him for the movie? We’ll see what happens now.

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