Even a great movie couldn’t save this one…

So the Comedian came through with our movie date this weekend. It was totally unplanned, and when he asked I almost turned him down. I was enjoying a relaxing day in my PJ’s, grubbing on junk food and playing Sims. But he’d talked up that new Rocky sequel Creed so much that I actually wanted to see it.

The movie was really good! As someone who only barely knows anything about Rocky, it wasn’t confusing for me at all, and that’s important when trying to bring a fresh face to an old classic. And it successfully managed to incorporate an interesting relationship narrative into what should have been an action (read “Guy”) movie.

Now if only the rest of the date had been as multidimensional as the movie…

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The movie deals with Adonis Creed, the illegitimate son of Apollo Creed, Rocky’s main opponent in the first Rocky movie, and focuses on his coming to grips with who he really is. As his father died before Adonis was born, he has no idea where he comes from, who he is. At the beginning of the movie, we learn that his mother has died as well, and he’s in a juvenile detention facility when Apollo’s widow comes to take him in.

As an adopted person, I knew this movie was going to hit a little close to home for me, and it did, but in all the best ways.

There’s something strange about not knowing the people who share your DNA. As my adopted family and I don’t exactly think alike or share the same ideas on a lot of things, it’s hard sometimes to wonder if I am in fact a product of their nurturing, or if there’s some vestigial remnant of my biological parents hidden deep within my psyche. We’ve discussed on here before that sometimes that can be scary as I know that the woman who was my bio-mom wasn’t exactly the paragon of virtue that my adopted mom is, and I’m terrified that I have some of her same appetites.

So, am I destined to be her? Or can I be my own person?

This movie deals with that idea. Can Adonis be worthy of his father? Or will he always be stuck in his father’s shadow?

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Meanwhile, it also deals with his relationship with Rocky Balboa, the man who was somewhat responsible for his father’s death (according to context clues and a Google search… I have NEVER seen the original, though now I think I should). Rocky seems to be on the outs with his son, his wife is dead (which I think happened in the last movie, but again, this is not a series that I’ve ever been that interested in), so he is a man without a family (specifically a son), and Adonis is a man who never knew his father. There’s the really cool dynamic there that I identified with because of the whole adopted thing, as well as his relationship with his actual adopted mother, Apollo’s widow.

Plus there’s a love story!

And that’s kind of where the awkwardness of the date begins.

Have you ever watched a movie with either your parents or your children (depending on where you are in your life, both can be awkward), and all of a sudden there’s a sex scene? Or you know that feeling of awkwardness when you’re not sure if it’s safe to laugh at a joke that you aren’t sure you want your mother or child or whatever to know you understand?

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Well watching a hot make out session sitting next to a guy that you’re not at all interested in is equally as awkward.

Not awkward enough to ruin the movie… But the movie was definitely the highlight of the date, awkwardness and all.

And that definitely should tell you something.

Let’s put it this way, I’d give the movie a solid 9, but the date got maybe a 2. If I’m generous.

It begins with a Tinder conversation in which he tells me he can’t do anything today because he’s going to Galveston to check on his artwork (remember, he’s an amateur photographer AND a comedian). Then, before I can even respond, he messages that, no change of plans, he won’t be going to Galveston so we should go to the movie.

Which leads to me going to the town that I didn’t want to move to even though it was closer to my old job than my old apartment was: Humble… For you non-Houstonians, the “h” is silent.  And it feels as small as my hometown. I don’t even like the town, but he assured me that the mall was nice…

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I have Asperger’s. Yeah, he didn’t know that, but I get overwhelmed just standing at my classroom doorway between classes because people are going to run into me and I feel like I’m in the way. I have to walk next to the wall in order to not run into people, and trying to cross an intersection of the hall makes me feel like Frogger… A mall, on a weekend, is kind of my own personal version of hell.

But for a movie? Sure, no problem. We’ll meet near the theater and I can handle that…

But instead he wanted to meet at the bookstore. First of all, he does get points for meeting at the bookstore, but he showed up an HOUR before I told him I could be there, and the bookstore was on the OPPOSITE side of the mall from the theater.

He made me walk through the food court. Through the very middle of the food court. No discernible pathway, just willy nilly, and every time I tried to veer towards the wall to get out of the way, he’d stop so I could walk in front of him BETWEEN chairs and rows of people.

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I was already anxious because 1) he had to wait for an hour for me, and 2) even in my lowest heels (other than my sneakers) I towered over his short ass. And he commented on it. First thing he said to me as he looked up at me: “Sorry I’m such a tall guy. I’ll slouch for you…” We’d already discussed that in my heels I’d be taller than him, and he had assured me it wasn’t going to be an issue. I have no flats other than my sneakers and one pair of really uncomfortable ballet flats, which I wasn’t going to wear because I had a feeling there would be walking involved.

So, he asked if I was hungry, but then we made it just in time to get into the last matinee movie. But it was at an advanced screen with recliners and vibrations from the movie in the seats, and “moving sound.” It ended up costing him $30 for a matinee on a Sunday.

And believe me, he let me know how silly that was. The whole rest of the night! He brought it up throughout the previews, as he was explaining why these seats were so expensive, and then again when something cool came up and the seats vibrated.

Yeah, he talked in the middle of the movie.

He’s going to the special hell.

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The movie felt long, although I think that was more because he kept trying to invade my personal space, and I wasn’t having it. And he brought up a couple times (again talking in the middle of the theater) that he was starving now because the movie was taking forever. So when it was over, I assumed we were going to get dinner like he’d originally offered.

The original offer was dinner and a movie.

We had to wait on dinner because of the timing of the movie, which, as I’ve discussed before, I think is preferable. It gives us something to talk about.

Or at least it should have.

Spoiler alert: we didn’t talk about the movie at all, no matter how often I tried to make a comment about it.

He took us to Chili’s, where I recommended we do the 2 for $20 deal because he’d spent the entire ride from the theater to the restaurant and the 15 minutes while we were waiting to be seated talking about how he did alright but money wasn’t important and a lot of his comic friends were really struggling because they were trying to make it just as comics.

He calmed down when I suggested the deal, but he did continue to go on and tell me all of his money woes. Never mind the fact that he drives a freaking Mercedes… But he got it at an auction, so it was such a deal!

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The rest of dinner was him talking at me about stuff I could care less about. About half way through, after I’d eaten all of my dinner plus over half the appetizer and had only said about 10 words total, I realized he was using his comedy routines on me to make me laugh.

He kept saying, “I told this joke and they laughed and laughed…” followed by some horrendous story that he explained was based on real life. Embarrassing stories, tales of his crazy cousins, and comments about Bruce Jenner (who he refused to call Caitlyn). And then when I wouldn’t laugh, he would repeat that people laughed and laughed at the joke.

I almost wanted to take pity on him and explain that I don’t get comedy and sarcasm most of the time. Then I realized he was completely oblivious to how ungodly uncomfortable I was, and I’d rather not give him a pass when he really didn’t care enough to notice that I’d drank 5 glasses of tea just to have something to do with my mouth so I wasn’t being rude by not laughing at his really not funny jokes.

Yeah, 5 glasses of unsweet iced tea. Why tea? Why not something stronger? Because he doesn’t drink, and he’d made such a big deal about the cost of the tickets, I wasn’t going to spend too much of his money on dinner.

Then the bill came.

And the waiter looked at me to ask me how we were paying for dinner. And when I looked at the Comedian, he just looked back at me. So I said, “since you got the movie, I’ll get dinner,” and then handed the waiter a $100 bill.

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I could have paid with smaller bills. Before tip, dinner was less than the movie tickets, but I wanted him to understand that I could afford to pay for dinner a couple of times over. And the movie, and I could have had a drink if I’d wanted to. In fact, I thought about getting a drink once I knew that I was paying, but I just wanted the evening to end.

Then, even after I’d paid and gotten my change and was ready, oh so ready to leave, he still continued to tell me bad jokes. Embarrassing, unfunny jokes. And he continued to laugh and tell me how “they just laughed and laughed when I told it at the Improv.”

When we got back to my car, I pretty much jumped out of his car before he’d put it in park, and told him that it was a good movie and thank you. He almost looked hurt, and if he’d been any kind of gentleman, I would have cared.

Total time: 4 hours, and the 2 hours of the movie was the only enjoyable part. The most I spoke was when I was making my exit. He didn’t once ask me how I was or about myself, but rather spent the entire time trying to make me laugh by telling me unflattering stories about himself and his family.

Bad comics are the worst, especially when they think they’re funny.

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And he had the audacity to text me this morning to continue his horrible stories of his past!

Hopefully he goes away soon.

When will I learn to trust my instincts? *Sigh*

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4 thoughts on “Even a great movie couldn’t save this one…

  1. Haha you crack me up! I’m absolutely loving your tales and your writing style. I’ve been following your journey for some time now and always look forward to the next update. Mr Comedian has nothing on your humour x

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