In my feelings. This is a phrase that my kids use to talk about when someone is upset or overly emotional or some such, and today it fits me.
To be honest, it probably always fits me, but today especially so.
The last few days have been a collection of ups and downs, enough so that one of the ladies from work told me she thought my life sounded like a romance novel or something.
She recently asked to read my blog, so if you’re reading this (you know who you are), I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve ever put something you said in here. 😉
But back to the point. Life’s been a pretty big, topsy turvy ride of late. Things just with the Boy have been a ride all unto themselves, not to mention all the other guys that Tinder has brought into my life!
Mr. Nice Guy and the Investment Broker are out for good. Deleted their numbers out of my phone, unmatched them on Tinder, and now we’re moving on.
The Comedian is slightly less chatty than before, which is probably a good thing. We’re still waiting to see if he comes through with our movie date this weekend. My weekend is pretty free, but not because I was purposefully holding it open for him, just haven’t had anything that really stuck out as being worth getting out of my jammies for.
I take that back; I had big plans to go work in my classroom today and to go to they gym as well. I’m not sure either of those is going to happen… I’m awfully hungover…
But more on that in a minute.
I haven’t given you the update on the Stripper!
First of all, he’s not actually a stripper, but I think the nickname’s going to stick. He’s actually in sales and went to school to become a preacher/minister/whatever. I don’t remember if he said he actually finished and got a degree in theology or not, but based on his car, he’s doing well enough either way.
Not that money matters, but it’s always a nice plus. Remember, the Comedian doesn’t care about money because he, like me, doesn’t really understand how it works. I need a man who’s going to be able to handle the finances because I can’t.
So, the Stripper having a nice car is a nice indication that he’s better with his money than I am. And he understood that teachers don’t make a lot, so he didn’t laugh at my crappy car, or when I told him he had to leave the parking lot first so he wouldn’t hear the crazy sounds it’s been making of late.
We met at the museum. I was late as usual… But it went well otherwise. Much better than I had anticipated, actually. He was intelligent, and once he stopped trying to be a salesman, it was nice.
He excited me with his ability to converse. We talked about religion (since, well he wanted to be a preacher), and we talked a bit about each other’s background. He was raised in Jamaica so he’s got that very awesome view of cultures that occasionally comes up on here. Because of the research I’d done for a particular post, I was able to impress him with my knowledge of the Jamaican motto, although I got it wrong.
He was telling one of his Tinder horror stories about a woman who accused him of being a liar because their first phone conversation (and they had not met in person), she called to hear him do the accent, and he does it so well that she thought he was a black man, because “all Jamaicans are black,” she told him. Once he proved to her that he was white by sending her a video of him talking both with and without the accent, she blew up his phone to try to go out with him. She had made the mistake of saying she didn’t date black guys, so that didn’t end well for her.
I told him she obviously didn’t know the motto… and the look on his face was perfect.
He’d been in salesman mode, trying to be funny and play up certain things about himself, notably his sense of humor, and he was trying to use the accent to impress me. But when I mentioned the motto, he stopped. Stopped pretending. His mask dropped, and we actually had a conversation.
While in sales mode, he’d been telling me about his grandfather, and I interrupted to interject a comment about my own grandparents, but he hadn’t been listening. When the mask dropped, he had to admit he hadn’t heard what I’d said, but from that point on, he listened. We walked around the museum, and the conversation was great, although he did the third grade thing of smacking my arm every now and then.
But he passed my conversation test with flying colors, and I took his arm so he could walk me to my car. We ended up sitting in his car and making out like teenagers, and that accent? Yeah, it is kind of sexy.
It’s not one I can do, but if on our next date (yeah, it went that well) he keeps slipping into it for different stories, I’m going to slip into one of mine just to show him I can do that, too.
So with as wonderful as that went, and with a relatively good work week, and a nice time with friends last night, why am I in my feelings?
I’ll give you a chance to guess… yeah I screwed up with the Boy again. I had a thing with friends last night, and I invited the Boy because we are trying to start over. The problem is that I want to catch up with him. He and I don’t see each other very often, and I really wanted to talk to him and see him and actually you know, TALK. I invited him to my thing last night. It was just a bunch of us hanging out at Darwin’s Theory, a neat little geeky bar with video games and food and stuff. It would have been fine, but he invited someone else. A guy, a friend of his that I liked, but then he spent the whole night talking to his friend, or at least most of the night.
It was stupid. A friend of mine was drunk and he made me sad and I got stuck in my feelings, and I wanted the Boy to comfort me, and what he did was ask about me from across the table, which effectively made several other people aware that I was sad, which effectively put me in the center of attention in a bad way. And then I was overwhelmed. I had already accidentally hurt someone else’s feelings, and I was feeling guilty for that. I made a crude comment about a guy that she had dated who had tried to sleep with every girl in the group, including me, and I hadn’t realized they were dating… And I misread her facial expression and accidentally made fun of her relationship that I didn’t know about.
Since I know how bad it feels to be the butt of the joke, I was really upset at myself for it, and then when my other friend was so drunk he was talking out of half of his mouth like a smurf, I was really worried about him and his energy felt sad, really sad. The combination made me cry and my shoes were uncomfortable so I didn’t want to go to the bathroom to cry, so I tried to fake that I was playing candy crush and let the tears just flow.
The Boy pointed out to the whole group (unintentionally) that I was not ok. And then someone brought me another drink. They were all making plans to go and have fun, and I really wanted to just sit and talk to my friend, who was talking to someone else, not ignoring me (although I accused him of that while I was really upset), but not really paying me any attention. When his friend left, I thought we could actually spend some time together, but it was really late, and when he turned me down I didn’t handle it well.
I was already in my feelings. And I wanted him to be the guy who hugged me and told me it was going to be alright, like he had before when I was upset about my mom one time, early on in our adventure. The guy who’s arms make me feel safe and like nothing bad can happen.
I needed that, and I didn’t know how to ask, and he was telling me no. Not “maybe some other time,” or “not tonight, because I’m tired.” Just “No.”
I was fairly certain it was because he thought I wanted something more physical, which probably isn’t incorrect, but I needed my friend and it wasn’t even up for discussion. In fact, he wouldn’t say much of anything. When he gets like that, and I know there’s something under the surface, but he’s put his iron mask on to hide his feelings, it confuses me. It makes me feel like an outsider, and it makes me feel like I’m doing all this work to let him see me, and he hides further and further from me.
Now he’s back to ignoring me again. Or at least he won’t take my calls. It makes me a crazy person.
Y’all saw how I got when Mr. Nice Guy wouldn’t respond, and we’d only gone on three dates…
I wish he could understand that I’ve already seen him; the mask doesn’t hide him, it just creates a wall between us. One that makes me want to give up, but I care too much just give up, even though there are moments that I really want to.
My coworker, the one who said my life was a romance novel, told me that one day I’d find someone who would make me no longer think about the Boy. If that’s true, he needs to hurry up and get here.