Yesterday I was convinced that no one could love me. Yesterday, I was sure that the Boy would never speak to me again. Yesterday I was wondering if I’d make it through the week because my sixth period class is evil. Yesterday I thought that I was going to die alone, or, worse, that my only hope was the Comedian.
I think it’s safe to say I’m “not feeling him” either…
But oh what a difference a day makes!
Obviously things don’t just get better all by themselves, and it’s not like I believe honestly that it’s all just fixed all of a sudden, but things are decidedly looking up. I feel almost excited about the possibilities. And all in just 24 hours’ time.
But let me slow down. One thing at a time.
Let’s start with the Comedian. We still very tentatively have plans for this weekend, although I really am no longer looking forward to it.
I guess I wasn’t really looking forward to it to begin with, if I’m honest.
The guy is sweet, but he’s kind of dull. The conversation, same as it was with the Investment Broker, is calm and casual, and doesn’t feel stressed or strained or pressured in any way.
Some would think that’s all you need, but he doesn’t really keep my attention. I find myself rather bored with his comments sometimes.
And…comedy. His jokes, thus far, haven’t flown over my head, so that’s good. I don’t feel like he’s making fun of me, like I do sometimes with more sarcastic folk (like the Boy’s friends who were so rude at breakfast), which is also good. It’s just that comedy is one of the only things he has going for him, and, well, that’s just not going to be enough.
For instance, the Hot Pockets thing has run it’s course, but I expect them to come up again if we continue talking.
Yeah, I said Hot Pockets.
Yes, those Hot Pockets.
He had told me that he “has the hookup on neverending Hot Pockets.” I still haven’t really figured out what that meant. For a while I thought maybe he worked at a Hot Pocket factory, or a delivery company or something, but nope. He just really likes Hot Pockets it seems, and he told me to get a big purse so we could smuggle Hot Pockets into the movie theater.
I’m relatively certain he’s joking.
God, I hope he’s joking!
If that wasn’t bad enough, he’s shorter than I am, which as shallow as it makes me feel, that is an issue.
If height were the only downside, then I could probably overlook it, but then today he told me he doesn’t drink. At all. He “likes to be 100% all the time… but [he] likes Sonic!” I have yet to figure out how Sonic is a good balance for a glass of wine with dinner. I don’t care how awesome a Cherry Limeade is, it’s not going to be as nice as a glass of Malbec with my steak!
And I think he’s realized how dumb that was to say. I haven’t heard from him since this morning, and usually he sends me a message about the time he heads home from work, which was a couple of hours ago. He’s been campaigning for a homecooked meal, and texting me to let me know he’s about to stop at (choose your fast food place), or that he’s making charred spaghetti for dinner, seems to be his method of convincing me to take pity on him and cook.
I sort of offered… but that was before I heard about the no drinking policy. I’m tempted to cook for him anyway and sneak some wine into the meal somewhere. I’ve got a nice recipe for Pork chops with a mushroom wine sauce… I wonder if I could get him tipsy if it’s cooked into the dish…
Then again, there are other reasons why I don’t think I could cook for him. He doesn’t like meat on the bone… and there was something else that I thought was weird… oh yeah, he doesn’t like apples.
For a guy who lives off of Hot Pockets and his own burnt cooking, he seems to be an extremely finicky eater.
So, yeah, I’m not exactly feeling him.
It’s okay, we’ve got a couple new guys in the Tinder list.
First up is a tall (6’2″) fella who likes to read economic books. I’m campaigning for a date to discuss economics, but he’s not exactly quick on the responding thing. I’m thinking he’s trying to decide if that’s a good plan.
Or he’s trying not to ghost, but he’s not interested and just too polite to say so.
Next up is a nice guy who says he’s a “female entertainment dancer.” This either means he’s a drag queen or a stripper. My money’s on stripper. He’s got too much of a beard to be a drag queen. He says he’s got a long list of qualifications a girl has to meet before she can get in his pants.
That was enough to get my attention, but then he agreed to meet me at the museum so we could discuss the deeper meanings of life.
And THEN he told me he was a stripper… or rather a “female entertainment dancer.” That’s just kind of cool.
As long as things go the way they seem to be going, he and I are meeting tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted.
But for me, the big news is that the Boy is talking to me again.
I have been emailing him a lot. I’ve done everything counter to what everyone tells me I should do. I’ve told him exactly how I feel, how bad I feel, how guilty, how sorry, and how hurt. I’ve gone into great long huge detail about my thought process. I’ve explained and cried and begged (all in email, but also real tears). I’ve been 100% me, crazy, broken, needy, complicated me.
And he called, and we talked, and we have plans to talk tomorrow as well to kind of figure out what we’re doing, what we want from each other, what it is we’re working towards, and whether or not we’re even compatible now that we both understand where the other is coming from.
I know most people probably think I’m being silly. He and I keep hurting each other, and it’s complicated, and we can’t really go all the way back to the way it was before.
And this is just a tiny step. We’re just talking a little bit. Nothing serious and intense. Just talking.
But it’s a step in the right direction. We’re actually discussing the things we should have been talking about all along.
And we’re doing it in an actual conversation, not just text. Most of our problems have been because we do most of our talking in text or chat or email, and then something gets twisted out of context, and then it just gets totally blown up. But today we talked on the phone, and he even told me how he feels a little.
And that’s HUGE!
Even as small a step as it is, it made me unbelievably happy.
I love the guy, what can I say?
That’s not to say that I’m in love with him, but I do love him very much. Always have, no matter how angry I get or how much vitriol I spew about him on here, he’s an important part of my life, and it’s been a hellish time without him there to talk to.
So I’ll take that baby step and run with it!