November seems to be a tumultuous month for me. It might have something to do with NaNoWriMo (which I didn’t finish again), and the pressure that comes with balancing that and my teaching life and trying to have a social life. Seems that I always get very focused on dating in November… Probably because there’s this semi-subconscious idea that I have to have someone to snuggle with over the holidays, which I haven’t had in a very long time.
The Boy doesn’t count. We weren’t really dating in his mind by the time the holidays came around, and he was offshore most of the time that we were dating anyway.
So, this November started strong with me hitting a good stride with NaNoWriMo and having a really great time with Mr. Nice Guy. That fledgling relationship died rather quickly… I had seen it coming, and it’s possible that I actually caused it because I overtexted (as usual), but either way he couldn’t handle my intensity.
The wavering of Mr. Nice Guy gave me the motivation to give the Investment Broker a chance, which wasn’t exactly the best of ideas. He was only out for the nookie. Well, and a BJ, which I just DON’T do…
Meanwhile, there were some work things that didn’t make it onto this blog, and the combination of work and boy issues (including one major, perhaps final, blowout with the Boy) led me to a pretty big breakdown right before Thanksgiving.
But all the nastiness helped me to refocus. I saw, pretty much for the first time, how I was being really nasty to the Boy just because I could be. I would get hurt when he would distance himself from me (probably because I was being nasty) and I would rehash all the old hurts, and I would embellish it until it was a gigantic nastiness because I wanted to help him see what he was doing, and the end result is that he pretty much hates me now, or at the very least, he won’t speak to me.
On the plus side, my breakdown as also helped me to not feel so guilty about looking for new friends. I’m learning how to cope with my Asperger’s better, even though almost all of my “friends” don’t want to believe that I have it. Hopefully, if I can continue to improve (and really cement my routine), I won’t have the breakdowns anymore. I know it’s due to a shutdown because my routine stops being solid, and sometimes that does include a break with a boy.
It would be really nice to find someone who could understand my need for stability. The Boy has told me several times that I’m needy and complicated, and people keep telling me that for the right guy, I won’t have to explain why I’m both of those things, but right now I doubt that anyone will want to put up with me.
I can hope though…
Until he shows up, here are the top viewed posts and the top viewing countries of November 2015:
Top 5 posts of November:
Top 3 countries that read my blog: