We are on day 3 of my emotional shut down. Today I thought I might very well be having a heart attack. But it was just another panic attack…
We’ve been here before, of course, and there is no doubt in my mind that those who don’t know better would think that I seriously don’t take rejection well because this shut down (like the similar one Spring before last) coincides with boy troubles.
For what it’s worth, I don’t handle rejection well, as we’ve seen numerous times on here. But that’s not what did it. If I’m honest with myself, that wasn’t what did it when the Boy broke my heart over a year ago, though plenty of people have blamed him for it.
Probably myself included…
No, Mr. Nice Guy is, like the Boy was over a year ago, the final straw, the proverbial straw that broke that camel’s back. Or, to fit our metaphor, the one drop too many that made the dam burst.
It was just one of those things that made me realize just how damaged I am.
I don’t mean to be negative. I don’t think that Asperger’s makes me damaged. I think that how I’ve learned to deal with it makes me damaged. I think the fact that I’m afraid people won’t believe me because I’ve spent most of my life trying to convince the world that there isn’t anything wrong with me is a contradiction that makes me damaged.
The Boy pointed that one out. “So you’re angry at people for believing what you’ve spent a lot of time convincing them of?”
I was upset because I know that the way I handled things with Mr. Nice Guy is part of what made him go running, screaming into the underbrush.
It’s not like this isn’t a thing that’s happened before, after all. The difference here being that I understand why I reacted the way that I did, and I didn’t know how to tell him without going even more overboard than usual.
And it frustrates me. Frustrates me a lot!
I am a mature, logical woman! I am one of a rare breed of women who can disconnect love and sex. As the Boy likes to point out, I’m fun to play with, although his verbiage is much more crass. I like superhero movies and sci-fi over rom-coms any day of the week. I can cook. I have a job. I pay my own bills (for the most part). I am an overall GREAT catch!
And yet, male after male after male has gone running, screaming in the other direction because of a misconception. They have all accused me of getting attached too soon because of a desire to get to know them better that they misinterpret as an inappropriate level of romantic attachment. My desire to spend more time with them (often for more physical activities) is misconstrued to mean I want a serious level of commitment, which I know very well is unrealistic and unacceptable for where things are at with whichever guy I’m talking to.
And generally, it’s not what I’m after.
Do I get a school girl level crush?
Especially with this latest one. He said some pretty dreamy stuff. And unintentionally. And always seemed shocked when I pointed out that he said cute stuff.
In hindsight, this is probably one of many reasons why he thought I was more into him than I was.
Don’t get me wrong. I was definitely into him! But just enough to make me want to know more about him to see what possibilities there were. So, I pushed. I got awkward, and scared, and the curiosity kept mounting… So, I pushed, and I pushed hard.
And he did what they all do: Go running, screaming, far far away.
Or I assume that’s what happened. He doesn’t respond anymore at all…
And now, like with the Boy, because I wasn’t ready for it to end, and because I feel like I’ve been robbed of an opportunity, I’m even more fixated on him than I was before.
Somehow that whole absence makes the heart grow fonder cliche works double time with me. It ramps up my curiosity, making me run a gazillion “what if” permutations (totally not sure if I’m using that math word correctly, but it sounds good)…
Until I get convinced that I’ve ruined something potentially amazing because I am broken.
And because I see a solution to this problem, like with the Boy before, I focus on this. I can see the outcomes. I can see the possibilities.
Work has too many variables, most of which are unknown.
This is a thing I can control, even though I am very certainly running myself into the dirt with the way I’m handling the situation. I know the end will be bad, but at least I know what the outcome is.
Unhealthy, I know. I feel a bit like Ophelia, drowning myself over mixed signals. “Get thee to a nunnery!”
Oddly enough, death was a big part of my conversation with the Boy yesterday. I was very convinced that was the most logical solution for a short time. I keep screwing things up. Relationships, jobs, living situations, money… And I have nothing and no one to show for it.
I am always alone. I am too broken for anyone to stay around me for long. And I don’t really see that getting better any time soon.
Not in this life anyway.
It’s not like anyone would actually miss me…
The Boy argues this isn’t true. Ironic that he’s the person trying to convince me I have value, as he didn’t seem to see it when it mattered. Always in hindsight, and still never enough to matter.
But, I’ll say this: he has been a really great friend through it all. Confuses the hell out of me… Seems like we should be dating since he likes all the right things about me, but that’s not what this is, and not what it’s ever going to be again.
It’s just so weird…
It’s also been grey and nasty outside again. We all know how poorly I deal with the grey and nasty days. That’s not helping me to overcome the doldrums.
And then, as if things didn’t seem dour enough, my emergency prepaid debit card got hacked or whatever. Someone emptied out the last of my emergency funds to buy stuff at a Walmart in Cranston, RI.
I’ve called, canceled the card. They’re disputing the funds, but it’ll be a while before I see that money again, I think. And in the meantime, I’m broke, with rent due. For some reason the guy who owns the house wants us to pay rent on the 20th instead of the first. So, yeah, gotta work that out somehow.
But Mom’s on the way.
Moms always have a way of making things better, don’t they?
This too shall pass. The sun will come out again, and the flood waters will recede. Just gotta keep treading water ’til they do.