And there’s the disappointment…

So Mr. Nice Guy had to cancel our date for tomorrow night. It was just a friendly, casual movie, but I was hoping for a bit more. He had to move our second date by a whole week because he was sick last week, and now he’s canceling our third date for work.

Call me cynical, but I feel like I’ve been here before.

deja-vu

Anyone remember the Boy canceling Valentine’s over a year ago? Emotionally abusive as that was…

Or the Artist blowing me off several times in a row and then telling me I wanted more than he did just because I needed him to either not be so specific (so I wouldn’t get my hopes up) or to follow through (so I didn’t get disappointed)?

Or Superman giving me Valentine’s Day though there wasn’t anything special about it, as he gave the special date with the reservations to someone else?

Yeah, I pick some winners, don’t I?

While talking to a friend of mine about the situation, she told me that I fell awfully hard for this guy. Way too fast, way too soon.

Other than that is kind of how I do everything (all in or not at all), I don’t think that’s what’s happened here. Here’s the thing: I don’t have serious romantic feelings for this guy. Not yet. I’m still reeling a bit over the (final) end of things with the Boy. I’m not ready to jump into a new relationship.

Even though at the end of it, the Boy and I weren’t dealing with a romantic relationship (and if I’m honest with myself, we haven’t been for an insanely long time), our relationship took up an insanely large amount of time. Time that SHOULD be devoted to a serious romantic interest. Of course that’s probably because some part of me was sure that we WERE in a romantic relationship, or headed towards one, or destined for one, or something.

destined-to-meet

In reality, I’ve been lying to myself for a full three years. He was emotionally abusive, strung me along, and made me feel bad about myself. I think he’s done more damage than the guy who put the sword to my throat, the fiance’ who’d slept with a member of his own family, and the Artist all combined.

It wasn’t entirely his fault. I fell hard for the Boy. I was ready to fall hard for someone, and he fit the bill. He was everything I wanted in a partner… except he didn’t like me.

It was never me he liked. He liked the idea of me. He liked that I was exotic and a fun bedroom companion. But it wasn’t me that he liked. He didn’t like the emotional person that I was, and could never show me that he cared about me. Not in the way that I wanted needed, and it was because he is incapable of that sort of emotion. He has no care for anyone but himself.

And I need someone who’s going to be patient with me, not because he wants to prove that he’s the better person, but because he loves me enough to realize that I AM broken and that I spend most of my days scared out of my wits that someone will notice. I need someone who sees the damage that’s been done to me by my past and my idiosyncrasies and will love me in spite of them, and will hold me close and tell me how amazing I am and how beautiful I am and how precious I am to them. I need someone who will say that to me over and over and over again until I believe it.

And the Boy was never that guy.

I’d had hopes that because Mr. Nice Guy liked to tell me that I was stunning and beautiful and amazing that he could help to heal my hurts.

Whether or not we ever became a serious thing wasn’t really a thing I was worried about. I just wanted someone to kiss me and tell me I was pretty. And to keep telling me that until I believed it, because I never have believed it. Not my whole life.

tellmeimprettyNow I’m dealing with the disappointment (and probably jumping to conclusions a bit because of it) of him canceling. I believe he got what he wanted and is now so done with me that he can’t be bothered to keep a movie date…

I know the Boy would tell me that I’m jumping to the worst possible conclusion. The problem with that, is that he would get mad because I was generally pointing out exactly the truth. It was only because he argued so adamantly to prove I was wrong that I ever doubted my intuition. His biggest concern was only ever that he didn’t look like the bad guy, even though he really really was in a lot of instances. He didn’t like me pointing out his faults, and I remembered that I was right when we parted ways in August of last year.

I remember I had come to my senses and realized his faults then, too. But allowed myself to get wrapped back up in him when he apologized on Christmas.

And now, nearly a year later, I’m an emotional freaking basketcase and can’t tell which way is up, or who is a good guy or an emotional user, and possibly doubting the first really good guy to come in my life.

Or possibly spotting an abusive relationship before it has the opportunity to begin.

lesigh

Why can’t people just be upfront and honest?

I was trying to explain to my friend that I wish that just once a guy was totally honest with me about what he wants and didn’t flat out lie to me or go running screaming into the underbrush when he mistakenly thinks that I’m getting attached.

I just want a guy who is willing to have those deep philosophical conversations with me, before he dives deep into other parts of my being. And I want to experience both on a regular basis.

Honest communication. Deep conversation. And a pretty regular physical encounter. Not entirely necessary to have any strings attached. Why is this such a hard thing to find?

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