Sometimes I surprise myself with the phrasings that come out of my mouth (or from my fingertips) when I’m nervous. So Mr. Nice Guy and I were supposed to have a date, more of a rendezvous really, because I don’t think dating is what he’s after.
Actually, I know that dating isn’t entirely what he’s after. I finally got the nerve up to ask, and his immediate response was “There’s the woman in you!” Which, for what I would think were obvious reasons, didn’t make sense to me. After some prodding, he explained that I was being logical.
God you have no idea how nice it is for someone to acknowledge that I am indeed a logical creature! The Boy and I have often argued about how my logic and his logic don’t quite match. In fact, there have been a few times when he specifically brought my logic into question because he couldn’t follow it at all. One time he even made it into what felt like an accusation by telling me that I kept telling him that I was logical! As if I was intentionally lying to him or something.
At least that’s how it felt in the moment.
But Mr. Nice Guy not only acknowledged the logic, but also attributed it to me being a woman.
Of course, the ensuing discussion left me with the understanding that he’s not really ready to date, and since he’s about to move, he doesn’t really want anything serious. So we’re back to that.
But I went into this Tinder thing under the impression that most of them were looking for a little something something anyhow.
This guy, though! Man, does he know how to spin game!
Or maybe he’s just that naturally charming.
As I said in the beginning of this post we were supposed to have a date or a rendezvous tonight. Instead, he had to cancel because he’s sick. He texted me around noonish to tell me that he was going home from work because he had a cold so we’d have to reschedule.
Of course, this damaged my calm considerably. After Superman, the Artist, and the Boy all telling me one thing but doing another, each in their own way, it is hard to take a man at his word sometimes now. Superman lied to me about seeing someone else. The Artist would make plans and then cancel, or rather, just ignore me. The Boy’s words and actions didn’t match.
most some days, but that’s why we’re moving on and moving forward!
So, out of fear, I stumbled through some pretty awkward conversations today. I was terrified that this guy was trying to get rid of me like all the rest, but was too afraid to tell me that to my face. It finally culminated in me saying this:
“Just to assuage my occasionally fragile feminine sensibilities, tell me this: you would be up front with me if you just changed your mind, right?”
That’s right, I could have really screwed the pooch with that sentence! It screams of pathetic girlish fear, the fear that stems from the fact that I need to feel important at the moment. I need to be wanted and adored. I want to be important to someone. I haven’t really felt that since around my 21st birthday. Not for any extended period of time. 14 years is a long time to not feel like you are important to anyone…
It does some damage.
So I asked a question that was a polite way of asking if I was important, and lo and behold, he laughed at the fear. Not at me, not at the fact that I was afraid, but at the cause.
He told me that of course he’d be upfront with me, and that he was really sorry that he’d had to cancel tonight.
And through the conversation, he told me on several occasions and in several different ways that he really WANTED to see me. That he NEEDED to see me. That he COULDN’T WAIT to reschedule.
When he asked when we could reschedule, and I told him that he might have to wait a while, his response (after several angry emojis) was to tell me he was afraid of that, and that he “tried [his] best to deny [he] was sick all morning.”
Cue the swoon.
It’s a little thing, I know, but it’s again that unintentional implication that I’m important. That he wanted to see me so badly that he was willing to try and convince himself that he wasn’t sick, which is a biological impossibility. Even though it may have been a slightly sarcastic statement, it’s very sweet.
From that point on the conversation was just perfect.
We discussed seeing each other, made plans for what might happen when we got together again, joked about how much fun we’d have. I even jokingly told him he was bad for me, but that I was enjoying myself. He told me that the feeling was mutual. Said he’d wait for me…
It does confuse me a little because he’s doing all the things that I would expect from someone who is looking for something serious.
But I’m not making that mistake again. I’ll enjoy this while it lasts, but I won’t get my hopes up. No expectations. That’s the key. If I don’t expect anything serious, and it happens, then it’ll be a nice surprise. Alternatively, if I don’t expect anything and it doesn’t happen, then I won’t get my feelings hurt because there was no serious emotional investment.
It’s hard though. But I’m going to try.