The new hasn’t worn off yet.
I’m still very optimistic about this whole Tinder thing! I’m doing pretty well, if I do say so myself. Even given that statistically speaking, guys swipe right something like 65% of the time, compared to the only 15% of the time that women swipe right, that doesn’t always lead to a conversation. Or a date. And keep in mind how very very picky I tend to be, so I probably swipe right less than even 15%…
But I am feeling more than slightly successful at this whole Tinder thing. The tally so far (I haven’t been keeping up with the matches because of the above mentioned disproportionate amount of times guys swipe right) is a nice change from the scarily empty social calendar I’ve had since things with the Boy completely imploded for the 4 gazillionth time some while back!
So far, I’m having 7 conversations, 3 requests for my phone number, of which I have had 1 phone call already (I didn’t answer though…I was having drama with the Boy and it put me in a sour mood), and 2 suggestions for dates.
So, let me clear the air about the Boy first. Since he’s been such a big part of my life, he deserves top billing, I suppose.
It shouldn’t have been an argument. He was mad about something else, and I asked a question I shouldn’t have. It blew up. Wasn’t an argument, really. Just hurt feelings on both sides.
That’s why I think it’s time to let him go. I keep trying, and he keeps trying to keep me around, and because I really don’t want to let him go, I keep hanging on when he pushes for me to stay around…
But it’s time.
There’s no solving it. There’s no fixing it.
He has so much going on, and I tried to be there for him and be his friend, and sometimes he’d push me away, and sometimes he’d try to lean on me like I offered. Today he tried to lean on me, but it was a subject I couldn’t handle.
He wanted to lean on me because he had an issue with the girl he had dumped me for. He thought he’d said something he shouldn’t have and that the backlash could be a problem. It wasn’t that big of a deal.
And if I’d left it there, it wouldn’t have been so bad… But something he said hit a nerve a little bit. I wanted him to see that what he was asking of her was a mistake…
Joke’s on me.
Some part of him is still pining over her the way I had been pining over him. When he’d dumped me, but still wanted to be friends, it never occurred to him that it would be painful for me to watch him move on. That hurt broke me like I’ve never been broken before. He doesn’t understand why, even though he went through something similar with her. He’s broken now the way I was then… even though she’s been gone for a while.
Of course, there’s more to it than that, but that’s his story, not mine.
Either way, I can’t help him through this because it brings back all the old hurts. And I can’t even be his friend through that. I end up like poor Helena at the beginning of Midsummer Night’s Dream. She chases Demetrius, who chases Hermia, while Hermia is in love with Lysander, who loves her back.
That’s actually very accurate! Even down to my hope for the happy ending where my Demetrius (the Boy) finds his way back to me to love me instead of her… Of course, in the play it required magic.
The outlook doesn’t look too good for me.
And some part of me has known that for a very long time, but I keep trying because whenever I try to go, he doesn’t want me to. I keep thinking if he’s this willing to fight for our relationship (as weird as it is), there’s something there. Some inkling of a feeling. I AM important to him, enough so that he’s willing to jump through some hoops to help me see that he wants me around…
But it’s not enough anymore. I don’t want to be the backup for a rainy day. I’m tired of trying to explain to people that I’m in some kind of a relationship, but it’s awkward/complicated. We’ve never been just friends. But I don’t know what we are now. And it’s time to stop pretending like it’s ever going to be what I want.
So when my first Tinder Fella called, and I was dealing with that, I didn’t answer.
Besides a part of me thought that it was too soon for a phone conversation anyway. I am shy… believe it or not.
I’ll call him back a little later. When I’m a little more settled… My nerves are a little frazzled at the moment.