Fresh Starts…

So, to go with the new school and the fresh start there, I’ve decided to start fresh in several aspects of my life. For instance, I’m going to try a new weight loss thing. I’m doing WeightWatchers, and over the summer, I lost my 5% weight loss goal. It was slow going, but it happened. Of course, I think it would have been faster, but I hurt my ankle (still swollen by the way).

20150829_201751

Don’t look too close; I’m not getting a pedicure until tomorrow and my toenails are way too long. I was wearing narrow shoes the other day, and one of my toenails actually sliced into the toe next to it. I’m way overdue for a pedicure!

So now that I’m moving around a little better (as long as I have some time to recoup, like today), I’m going to try to be more active. I’ve gotten my intake of food down. Now I need to increase my output of activity.

So to help motivate me to get in shape, I’ve joined DietBet. You put the money into the pot, and if you meet your goal, you split the pot with everyone else who made their goal. If not, you’re out a little bit of cash, about the same as a meal at a nice restaurant. Could be more, but I’m doing one of the lower level ones.

But there are a lot of people in my group, so the pot is getting quite substantial. As in over $11, 000 kind of substantial!

bestbites

If you’d like to join, sign up here.

Other changes: I’ve finally decided I really have to give up on the Boy. The fights are more and more frequent again, and today, while he was getting ready for something that might be a date or might not, he wasn’t sure, I pointed out that that was what made things bad for us. To which he became very disrespectful and sarcastic. I had to ask a couple of times if he was being sarcastic, and he got pissy about me trying to rehash old shit.

That wasn’t really my intention, but even if it had been, he could have said, “Hey, I don’t want to open those wounds.” Instead he made a snarky remark, and it was just one too many.

We’d had a good day the other day at the museum, but it was preceded by a fight, and then today when I was trying to point out that he was repeating old mistakes, he treated me like shit for making an observation. And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of not knowing which version of him I’m going to deal with, and whether or not he’ll be nice this time, or will he make me cry?

No man is worth that. Especially not one who gave me an empty apology in December. On Christmas, he sent me this:

I had to take a little time today to ‘remove’ someone very important to me from my field of view. And it hurts, for whatever reason. Very deeply and very effectively. It wasnt on purpose and is always regrettable- but it still is. I am very sorry to have caused you the kind of pain that I did. It’s not even about the reason, just about the fact. Regrettable.

Well, he’s still causing me pain, so it was an empty apology.

empty apologies

He’s hurting me while I’m trying to be there for him. I was there for him when the girl he threw me over for hurt him the same way he hurt me. At least I tried to be. And not even in an attempt to get him back. Just to be his friend, because there is something about him that touched my soul and made me feel a little less abnormal. And he said he wanted to be my friend.

But I can’t be there for him anymore. Not when he’s going to hurt me over and over, and make me chase him and beg to spend time with me. Either he’s my friend, or he’s not. I need him to commit to schedules, it was never anything more than that. Just follow through with what you say you’ll do, and don’t make me beg to see you. The rest would have fallen in place, whatever that may have meant.

Now it’s just too late. I’m going to let him go so I can have a fresh start in that regard as well. I’ve already blocked him from my Facebook and Google chat, and put his number on the spam list. I shouldn’t get any further communication from him except by email, and I don’t know if I’ll read those, or if he’ll even send one. I told him not to contact me, and I’ve never been something he considered worth fighting for.

And dammit, I AM worth fighting for!

i-am-worth-it-1

Sometimes I wish one of our mutual friends would explain to him how bad he’s fucking up by treating me like garbage. I know it’s not their place, but when I tell him, he thinks I’m just not objective enough to see how he’s right… because he thinks he’s ALWAYS right.

And you know, the thing that actually annoys me most is that I JUST finished talking about how when we are talking and I’m mimicking him, we seem to be in tune like the Binars from Star Trek TNG.

I’m not even sure that I’m that bitter about actually being through with him. It was exhausting constantly having to prove myself worthy to someone who doesn’t see my worth. Sure, I’ll cry for a little. I feel a connection to him, a very strong connection that is stronger than any connection I’ve ever felt to another human being. Ever.

But, then again, tumors are connected to people too, and once they become malignant, you have to cut them out.

The Boy is my malignant tumor, and I’m cutting him out.

So here’s to fresh starts! May I be strong in my convictions and achieve my goals.

And may the future bring better things and people into my life!

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