I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what it is I really, really want. Well, we all know that’s the main purpose of this blog, and if you haven’t figured out what I expect from a man, then a good place to start is my definition of an Intellectual Alpha.
But even that’s not fool proof. I’ve encountered a number of men who thought they were Alphas, but in reality they were only Assholes. So I wrote a brief explanation about what I think the main difference between the two is.
Even with that, I still find myself looking for something that doesn’t seem to exist. What’s worse is that I find myself wondering if it’s because my standards are too high? Or am I just not deserving of what it is that I want?
I suppose those are really the same question, aren’t they?
Two major factors have caused me to question: 1) I recently reconnected (via Facebook) with the fellow teacher who told me once that I might not want to be so picky, and 2) I’m having to really face the fact that who I want, while I’m pretty sure I’ve found someone who fits the bill, doesn’t want me.
The first one, I’ll deal with later today, because, dammit, I do deserve to be picky!
But the second one, that’s the one that’s really funkifying my existence. While he’s gone, the Boy and I talk all the time, every day, and we work on our issues, and he handles my insecurities fairly well, really working with me so that we can understand each other. And even while he’s saying that it’s going to take time for us to reconnect and I can agree to that in the moment, that moment when it feels like we’re working together and it feels like we’re making progress to a positive outcome, whether that is just friends or on to something more intense, but when I am faced with the reality that I’m still just a thing to be dealt with at his convenience, I don’t know that I can wait.
And what hurts worse is that I know he’d tell me I shouldn’t.
It hurts to know that when he’s offshore and he needs someone to talk to, he knows he can count on me to chat with him, but the favor isn’t returned now that he’s back. I had texted to see if he was busy, and when he texted back with “Sup?” I asked if we could just chat, like actually over the phone, since I hadn’t had a chance to actually talk with him for a month or more. He told me then that he was busy.
And I haven’t heard from him at all since.
I don’t need him to talk to me all the time, or every day, but I had made a request, and it hurts to know that while I really wanted to talk to someone other than my family, I don’t rank high enough on his list of importance for him to find a little time to talk to me.
And I have to accept that. I’m never going to rank high enough on his list of importance. Not even now that we’re supposedly friends. Not even when we’ve discussed ad nauseum what that word means to me and what that word means to him. And not even when we’ve discussed that one of the things I expect from a true friend is for them to make the effort sometimes, too.
He hates it when I point out that he doesn’t do these things for me. Tells me I’m dwelling in the past, but when the behavior is still happening, am I supposed to ignore it?
So what am I waiting for? What is it that I really want? I want a man with the intelligence of the Boy, the work ethic, the sense of humor, and the passion of the Boy, who feels as much like “home” as he does.
But I want that man to actually want me, and to find enough value in me to put me ahead sometimes. Especially when I need that verbal hug to let me know it’s going to be okay. Because, well, things have been a little stressed these last few days…
So, then in my inbox, which I’m way overdue in cleaning, I had this waiting for me. It’s a fun little song, and the guy looks like a rocker I once knew, one who was very special to me. It even said in the message that “I bet I can make you smile,” and it did. Because this, this song, or the sentiments thereof, are what I’m waiting for.
I hope you enjoy it as much as I did this morning. Not my usual stuff, but it did make me smile. And sometimes that means a whole lot.