Today’s topic is how to woo me. What are the top 5 ways to “win my heart?” While not as easy as yesterday’s travel question, this one is one we’ve talked about on here a bit, but we’ll go over it again.
We’ve talked about the Love languages before, and I have a pretty even three way tie between Talk, Touch, and Time, so those figure pretty heavily into how to win my heart. I also really appreciate boldness, which is not to be confused with rudeness. There seems to be some confusion about what being bold means. Several men recently have decided that rudeness and brutal honesty are the same as being bold. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate honesty, it’s one of my deal breakers if a man lies to me, but I also expect a modicum of compassion with your honesty.
And if you’re being honest about an opinion, but it’s based on a fallacy, don’t get your panties in a twist if I tell you you’re wrong.
Tell me what you like
Compliments, especially when I’ve had a bad day, can make a big difference. I’ve had some bad luck with men recently who don’t seem to understand that girls need to feel wanted. That was one thing that Superman was good at. He would tell me that I looked good, complimenting my legs in a skirt, or looking at me with those “bedroom eyes” that spoke volumes. Or when the Artist told me that he found me attractive, but liked that he could have a conversation with me as well, that was what got him an actual date.
It’s really important for me to feel like I’m wanted and desirable. It goes back to that whole “Words of Affirmation” Love Language, the one I refer to as Talk.
Share with me
But don’t just tell me about me; I know how I look, both the good and the bad. Tell me what it is that you like to do, and teach me a little about it if I don’t know. Share the things that you are passionate about. Help me get to know the real you. A relationship isn’t just about mutual adoration, but about actually getting to know one another.
In order to get to know each other, that requires you to talk to me about what you like, and to spend Quality Time with me to show me what’s important to you. Rather, to show me that I’m important to you. Superman and the Artist were good at the talk, but they didn’t know how to schedule time with me.
I don’t require a man to cancel on his other time commitments (time with friends, family, or work), but I do expect for him to make time to spend with me. This is where things went really wrong with the Boy as well. When he and I first started talking, he would spend all day talking to me via chat, while he was at work, and especially when he was on a boat. We would talk about all sorts of stuff and sometimes it would get a little naughty, but sometimes it was just talking about movies or video games.
But it was All. The. Time. There wasn’t a day when we wouldn’t talk… And then, the first couple of weeks of actually going out, he would invite me over for the whole weekend, and we’d see each other a couple of times during the week.
There was a lot of time together, and it was a little weird. It felt like we’d been in a relationship for a very long time, because sometimes he’d invite me over and we wouldn’t talk. In fact, he would make me feel like I was bothering him for being in his space because I was still trying to get to know him, and he’d set me up with a game in the living room while he played at his computer in a separate space. That’s not quite the same as quality time, and it was too soon in our relationship for us to be doing that sort of thing.
As soon as someone told him that what I wanted was more than what he wanted, he just stopped all that, pretty cold turkey… leaving me to chase after him because I didn’t understand what I’d done wrong…
When I google the phrase “quality time,” this definition pops up: “time spent in giving another person one’s undivided attention in order to strengthen a relationship.” That’s not what we were doing. And I don’t require it all the time, but sometimes I do need to be the center of attention, or rather, I need to know that our time is important together. Time to really get to know one another and see each other as people, not just for lusty reasons, but actually interact as people.
Lying is a deal breaker for me. If you’re not ready for a long term commitment, tell me. We might still be able to have some fun while you figure out what you want, but lying to me (like the Artist and Superman both did) to make me think you’re looking for something serious when you really have either moved on or are sure you want something less wholesome will end badly for you.
Relationships are built on trust. Lies break trust. It’s as simple as that. I’m fairly open-minded, and if you aren’t ready for a monogamous relationship, say so. I’m not going to get hurt because you think it’s too soon to settle down after just a few dates, or even a couple of months. But if your words and your actions suggest that we’ve moved to a particular stage, and you let me continue on believing that we’re headed down a particular path while you’re searching for something else, I’m going to be pissed, and I’m going to make you miserable for lying to me.
Finally, there’s the power of touch. I need hugs or pats on the back, a rub on the leg while sitting next to each other, or occasionally holding hands in public. I need to feel the warmth of another person’s skin. Sometimes there can be fireworks from someone simply brushing the hair out of my eyes. It’s a small gesture, and doesn’t have to be prolonged, but touch is very important to me.
When I’m upset, a hug can do wonders, especially those from behind hugs. I really love those.
Or a kiss on the forehead… I’m still waiting for someone to do that who actually cares. It’s such a small thing, but it’s so tender, and so sweet. *Sigh*
And I really hate to have to prompt someone for a touch to happen.
That’s it. Those are the keys to getting to know me, and winning me over. Talk to me, touch me, spend time with me, share your interests with me, and don’t lie to me. It doesn’t seem that difficult, but it never seems to happen.