Perhaps I should be more specific when I say things like “I wish one of my exes would come back…”
The Artist came back.
It was a small attempt at communication. He asked how I was, I responded. I even offered an olive branch telling him what I was doing this weekend, if he cared to join me. He responded with “we’ll see.”
Not a particularly optimistic response, but not a “no.” Not a direct no, anyway. Given his track record, I knew it meant no. If you remember, the Artist is not known for his follow through.
I don’t understand why guys think a vague implied no is better than a direct response. Both are going to hurt a girl’s feelings (no one likes to be rejected), but a direct no allows us to move on.
Furthermore, the Artist’s not known for being particularly nice. I had recently been discussing this very thing with the Boy, explaining to him exactly what the Artist had said about finding my boobs and brains…enticing, but not actually being attracted to me. I believe his exact words had been along the lines that I had nice tits and a brain, which would get him hard, but so would a conversation with a dumb girl that he actually found attractive.
Definitely not the nicest thing a person’s ever said to me. Add that to his harsh refusal to even have a conversation with me around Christmas time, and you can see why I might not be so willing to engage in a friendship with him.
The Boy had said then (and repeated it recently) that it was okay for me to renegotiate the terms of one’s relationship with another. I decided that instead of letting the Artist hold all the cards this time, and give him the opportunity to call me clingy or needy or whatever it was that he had said before, I was going to give him the same rude treatment he had given me.
If he thought, as I had once suspected, that all I wanted from him was sex, who was I to disappoint him? And since he was so quick to tell me his version of a no about this weekend, I kindly told him that joining me for the thing I had invited him to was the only way he could get any. Admittedly, it was crass, but he has been an ass on a number of occasions, and I didn’t want him thinking I was interested in opening myself up to him emotionally.
He has placed himself in a position where he has no purpose for me, but if he wants to try to find a place in my life, his purpose will be on an as I see fit basis, and he’s going to have to deal with a new, bitchier version of me. I’m not going to just roll over and kiss his feet and ask him to be a part of my life.
I’m done being a doormat, especially when every time I tried to be emotionally available to him, he would turn me into his personal counselor and then not be willing to do the same in return.
When he needed to talk, he was kind, and supportive of my writing, and flirty. When I needed to talk, I was asking something of him he couldn’t give because I needed too much love and support.
So instead, I spoke to him in terms I thought he could understand: “Coming to [this event] is the only way you’ll reach your goal of cumming. I’m going whether you show or not. The choice is yours.”
And he said that was not a good idea, and we should take things “slow from here on out.”
Did he really try to take the high ground and suddenly decide to act like a human being?
As I am currently learning to embrace my inner bitch and determine my own fate, and as I have no interest of even being his friend, I told him it was his loss:
“That’s all I was looking to get from you at the moment, so I don’t think that works for me.”
Crass, and not my normal behavior at all, but Damn! was it ever empowering!
Best case scenario, he changes his mind, and he’ll surprise me and show up on Saturday night, allowing me to decide if I really am that crass person who can just have my way with him and not think anything about it. Worst case scenario, I don’t ever hear from him again, and as I had decided a while back that I was done with him in my life, that’s not really such a bad thing.
I win all the way around and I’m okay with that.