The last few days I’ve been writing about manipulative situations. I wrote about Gaslighting, where a person might twist another person’s weaknesses around to make them more vulnerable, and I’ve written about how to help a girl heal after she’s been prey to such a thing for a long time. I’ve been kind of operating on the assumption that it is scumball guys who do this sort of thing to girls. This way of looking at it assumes that women are the weaker sex, and I take personal offense to such an idea.
The alternative means that women can be manipulative as well. I’m pretty sure several guys will tell you that’s true. I know Superman once told me that crying wasn’t playing fair… I wasn’t crying to be manipulative or anything like that, it was just in a general discussion of how a previous lover had not been able to handle it when I cried, while Superman did actually hold me and make me feel better about being sad. It is really disappointing he turned out to be such a wanker.
The point is, girls manipulate, too. And when they do, they rarely play by any kind of rules.
I can admit that I think I may have manipulated details from time to time while dealing with the Boy, although I don’t think I was aware I was doing it at the time…which may actually be worse. My intent had been to get him to open up to me. I wanted that closeness that only comes from truly knowing another person, from sharing their secrets and their problems, from really being their friend.
I also wanted to be right, which is a much less noble cause, but I talked about that in the Gaslighting post.
Of course, I’ve also very recently been on the losing end of some women’s manipulation. Remember when I first realized Superman was seeing someone else? He swore to me she was just a friend. Swore to me that he was just seeing her to get advice about our situation…
Well of course that wasn’t going to end well.
She was using, as her profile pic, a picture that they took together at that wedding he took her to as his date, and her profile said she was in a relationship. I even suggested in my post about the situation that she was giving him bad advice so they could be together.
The kicker is that when he started actually seeing her, it was because he asked if that was true, and she said it was.
I gave him the idea.
I remembered that something similar had happened with the Boy. I was pretty certain he was talking to his ex about what was going on between he and I, which of course wasn’t going to work because they had a long standing history and she wanted him back.
Seems that all of his friends were against he and I being together for some strange reason. And now, with his new girlfriend he has a team, a pit crew, helping him to keep things together.
*Sigh* I wish I understood what made her so perfect for him.
But that’s an entirely different subject.
With the repetition of a guy succumbing to the advice of someone else, particularly a female with ulterior motives, it’s really put the idea of female manipulation in the forefront for me.
We women, for whatever reason, have decided that each other are the enemy. We go into the dating scene with the idea that a man is prey to be caught, and all other women are trying to catch our man.
Worse, we see a man who is taken and decide that he is a hot commodity. He is one of the good ones, which is why he is taken, and therefore we should try to take him away. Like the scene above from the Gnome Mobile: you’ve got to hold onto your man or else someone will take him away.
Yet we try to tell the men we are the more civilized sex…
The thing is, a woman who will actually steal a man away from another woman is just a conniving, manipulating person. She’s always going to be one of those women who will manipulate a situation to better her own agenda. She’ll be one of those women who thinks that it is her job to lead her man by convincing him to do things her way, whether he wants to or not.
At first, she’ll convince him that the girl he’s with now is the problem. She’ll point out how he has doubts (which, by the way, is a natural step in the relationship cycle), and how peaceful things are when he’s with her instead. She’ll tell him how she’d never do anything like that (whatever that happens to be), and that his current girl is just a problem maker for him.
And she’ll do all of this under the guise of being a good friend. It’s safe to listen to her because she’s just his friend. She’s being helpful. She’ll offer advice that makes her sound like the better option.
“She did what? I would never do that to someone I cared about…”
Then the guy will start to doubt why he is with his current girl. He’ll start to wonder if the other girl really is a better choice. The other girl is really sweet, and she does understand him better…
It’s a trap!
A woman who understands you enough to make you see her as the better option, also sees your weaknesses enough to manipulate the hell out of you, making you miserable down the line.
So how bad can it be?
I have a friend who recently found out his girlfriend is pregnant. She was one of those women who talked him down out of a relationship with someone else during the doubting stage. He had recently entered the doubting phase of his relationship with her, and they were trying to work things out or see whether they could continue.
Now, BAM she’s preggo.
I’m not saying it was intentional. But could it have been? Is it beyond a woman who used subterfuge to catch a man to use subterfuge to keep him?
I heard something similar on a radio broadcast the other day where a guy was talking about how he didn’t really want a child, but his girlfriend did, and she just told him they would have children one day, and she was getting tired of waiting. The other hosts on the show told him he needed to start bringing his own condoms because she might start poking holes in the ones she kept at her place. Or if she was on the pill, she might just stop.
The thing that really confuses me is that this is not the 1950’s anymore. Becoming pregnant isn’t the way to keep a man these days. If, and it would be a really big miraculous if, I were suddenly pregnant, I wouldn’t expect a man to stay with me for that sole purpose. In fact, I would despise a man who was only with me because I was having his child. I would never be able to trust that he was with me because he liked me, but only because all of a sudden I was his baby mama.
Truth and honesty is the only way to go. Apparently I haven’t mastered this art yet, but I’ve been working on it. I don’t hold anything back, and I try to talk to the person I’m with openly and honestly about my intentions, my feelings, and my concerns. It hasn’t exactly worked like I imagine it would, but I’m convinced that with the right person it will work.
I tried it with the Boy, but he wasn’t ready for it when we were together. Now it’s too late.
I tried it with the Artist, but he was not a nice person. Period.
I tried it with Superman, but he was much too young, and not nearly as honorable as he tried to convince me he was.
But there is someone out there who will be able to handle an honest relationship. There has to be.