Well, February was almost as exciting as January, although in a less positive way. As wonderfully as January started, February began equally as unpleasant. Superman and I were not in a solid place. In fact, I was convinced he was seeing someone else and that was why he wanted to get rid of me.
Turns out I was wrong about that. He hadn’t started seeing her…yet. Perhaps he’d just been freaked out by the intensity of the emotion between us. It obviously freaked me out as well, otherwise I wouldn’t have been so very easy to panic I think. I was a deer in the headlights, afraid to run, but knowing things weren’t quite right, that danger was ahead.
I’m not sure what the danger was. I think it may very well been that he was someone I could fall for. He had been too perfect: he did all the right things, said all the right stuff, treated me well.
For the most part.
The one exception being that he never could quite set time aside for me. Or invite me to any of his functions with friends. While I thought this was a precaution to make sure I was safe (and it may very well have been), I should have pushed to be more of a part of things in his life. I was lying to myself when I told myself that I was really okay with that arrangement. In reality, it made me uneasy, and my unease was exacerbated by the fact that there was this other girl (just a friend he said) who was tagged, not secret.
Everyone told me that his reaction was proof that there was more to it. I know now that wasn’t the case, but my pointing out that she obviously liked him, turned him in her direction, making him do the exact thing I had been afraid of. It was an emotionally tumultuous couple of weeks for me while I worked it out in my head whether or not I was going to deal with constantly being put to the side.
The turning point was Valentine’s Day. While I was actively working on a gift for him, and was honored that he had thought of a gift for me, it was all brought crashing down by a lie. Turns out the other girl got the fancy dinner reservations and things I would have liked, had I not been trying to slow things down.
God knows I didn’t want to slow things down, but I thought it was necessary. And the lie was too much.
The result was that I let the Boy back in my life in a more… involved capacity, opening that door a little bit more than is probably smart.
In my defense, I really needed to be reminded that I was a worthwhile person. That whatever had gone wrong between Superman and me wasn’t my fault alone. I needed to feel desirable, and the Boy successfully did that.
In a discussion about what I wanted out of a relationship, I explained to him that I wanted to be more than just the Side-chick, that I deserved to be more than just the Side-chick, that I was worth it even if almost no one I have dated in recent memory has.
His response was to tell me that he hoped I found a man who would do that for me because I *was* worth it (his emphasis, not mine).
It was exactly what I needed to hear.
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that a not so tiny part of me would be absolutely elated if he decided to be the man who would do that for me. I have missed him, some parts more than others, but I haven’t missed the arguments, the misunderstandings, and there’s no proof those would be gone now.
Plus there’s the whole, he has a girlfriend living with him that he met while we were together. Like Superman, he chose someone else. Someone easier to deal with, someone who doesn’t need to be told they are important and loved, someone not quite so broken…
To combat this, I move on.
I am focusing on work. I do, after all, have the STAAR test to get my kiddos prepared for, and they’ve got a long way to go to be prepared…and not a lot of time to do it in.
I am focusing on getting my life in order. I’m looking for a new apartment, and I have a list of several that I think will be perfect, although I am uncertain how long it’s going to take before I can get in one. Having finally received a paycheck, it’s over half gone already just trying to get caught up on old bills… like my phone which had been off for nearly a month, maybe longer.
I should have been focusing on those things in the first place instead of trying to enter into a serious thing with Superman, but he had such promise… An even bigger part of me wishes he’d renounce his “no take backsies” rule and give us another chance. I think we both got scared and went running in opposite directions.
It’s not likely, but a girl can hope, right?
Maybe I’m looking for all the wrong things. In memory of the passing of Leonard Nimoy (which was the saddest thing that happened this month), here’s a link to a fun little thing about dating Vulcans. For one thing, there would be less worrying about feeling unloved.
Or being misunderstood…
While it’s not the send off that Leonard Nimoy deserves, it is a needed bit of laughter. Leonard Nimoy (and all the actors from the original Star Trek) has been like a beloved family member for me and for the other members of my very Trekkie family. It saddened me greatly to learn of his passing, and I haven’t been able to put into words how I feel about it.
I don’t deal well with death… the passing of my grandfather just a little over a year ago should have proven that. But the final words (or at least the final Tweet) by Nimoy himself is probably the best way to express the importance of a life well remembered. Mr. Spock, you will be missed, but you will be remembered.
Here are the top moments (though they are definitely far from perfect!) and viewing countries from February 2015.
Top 5 posts of February:
Top 3 countries that read my blog: