The most recent in the Superman Debacle (to use his words), involves my craziness where I thought he was trying to keep me a secret from the rest of the world. It was a minor thing, in all honesty. It was something that would have taken five minutes to clear up, if we had discussed it face to face like adults. Instead (for those of you who need the recap) he texted me that he thought we should “end our journey here.”
Totally out of the blue (as far as I knew), and his reasoning was because he decided that I wasn’t ready for a relationship because I was trying to clarify something he said…but apparently didn’t handle it correctly.
We discussed it when it first happened, but he had already made up his mind.
Then, nearly 2 weeks later, he tells me this isn’t working, because in his mind we were still fighting although I was well and done with the fight. I had been too flirty, because he was still angry, and thus he deemed it that we were through, and he doesn’t do “backsies.”
No explanation was given at the time, and with no idea what had gone wrong, I began looking for answers…
Which led me to asking other people and looking at what was happening on Facebook. At which point I noticed that he was tagging other girls, but not me, and the timing was too perfect. It made sense to me that he was seeing this new (to me) girl who he had taken to an event, and who he had tagged on multiple occasions, which meant he was kicking me to the curb or keeping me on as a side chick.
He had never tagged me; he had never told me that I was important to him.
He had attempted to show me, I think, by squeezing me into his schedule. How was he to know that that was the exact thing that made me say goodbye to the Boy? How could he know that it makes me feel unimportant to be shoved in between other obligations instead of given a spot of time for myself? How could he know that it was something that I thought was mildly offensive?
I recognized that him rearranging his schedule for me was a sign that he liked me, and pushed it down that it bothered me. I got wrapped up in how he made me feel, but couldn’t ignore that I was constantly making the first move.
I was the one asking about when we would see each other again, and trying to find a way for us to have a proper date, instead of just being shoved in the middle of his other obligations. I had tried to tell him this was an issue for me, but I apparently didn’t stress it enough.
“Or he just doesn’t care,” my insecurities would whisper. “He’s too busy, and you’ve told him how you feel, and he is unwilling to say it back because he doesn’t care.”
Then there was the thing he posted about having feelings. I saw it. I responded in a similar fashion. He went running in the other direction. It got too real.
He rejected me for saying what he had said first.
And apparently that is part of why he doesn’t want to be my Facebook friend anymore. Because I notice too much. In the absence of a definite answer about what he wants or where he wants this to go, I look for signs, and it bothers him. He feels that I will blow up over what I see on there.
My response to that is that if he’s just up front and honest about it, then there’s no reason for me to blow up.
Either way, he blew it out of proportion. And made it into a huge fight just yesterday. A big enough fight that I cried because we couldn’t finish it before I went to sleep, and so I was anxiously waiting to hear from him to see if we could fix it.
Again, I made the sacrifice. I’m constantly rolling over and trying to make sure he’s okay or comfortable with what’s going on, and the only thing I asked was if he would add me back on Facebook. So that we wouldn’t miss each other’s messages. If you aren’t friends, it doesn’t notify you when you get a message.
My thought process was that if he didn’t get the notifications, he wouldn’t get my messages. If he didn’t get my messages, then he wouldn’t respond. When he doesn’t respond in a timely manner, I feel ignored. Being ignored is one of my triggers.
Now, I’ve hardly slept. I’m exhausted, but I still have to figure out a way to put gas in my car, and then drive the 2 hours into town (traffic at this time of day really sucks!), tutor my student, and then drive the hour home.
And somewhere in the middle of all that, he and I are supposed to have a conversation.
I hate to say it, but I can’t keep this up. I need to feel safe and secure in my situation with whomever I date. And as much as I like him, and as much as I see the potential in an us, I don’t think I have the time or patience to fix it anymore. Not when I get so little out of it. Those first 2 weeks were really good. And then he changed, and he doesn’t think we can go back to that…
Well, of course we can’t if he can’t let things go, or give me some of what I need out of this. I’ve been the one always giving in most of my past relationships. I liked this one because I thought it would be different. The difference is that I like the way he makes me feel so much, even without the more carnal feelings, that I was willing to give more than before. But I just can’t keep this up. I’ll stroke out at this rate.
So, though it pains me to say it, I believe this may be the end of Superman.