I had started a post about how to unpack one’s baggage, because I had thought that things were looking up and I was ready to start letting go of some old, hurtful baggage. But I find myself having to face the reality that I am wrong. Again. And it couldn’t have happened during a worse week.
So, I’ve begun a new job. This is the second week at the new school, and it is an amazing job! The kids are fantastic! They’ve been in the news because they’re so awesome at basketball. And they’re respectful (for the most part)! Plus, I have total freedom in what and how I teach. Even my coworkers are respectful (which is something of a change from the old school).
Overall, I really like it.
But, it is still a small school. And unlike at my old, much larger school, they do not pay biweekly. I will be waiting a full month for my first paycheck.
Given that I have no hours from subbing of late, and that my tutoring hours have dramatically decreased due to lack of time, this is not good news.
Tuesday night, after I’d put the last of my cash in my gas tank, I found out that I would only be tutoring one night (a total of 90 minutes) this week. Then Wednesday I found out about the paycheck situation. Shortly thereafter I twisted my ankle. Thursday was only moderately frustrating as I could not sleep for a variety of reasons, plus I had had to reschedule a date with Superman.
See, he and I haven’t seen each other since the really great date on Sunday nearly two weeks ago. The argument the following Tuesday left last week tense at best. Then he slept through our lunch date on Sunday. We ended up having a somewhat tense conversation that should have been done in person, but given my new job and lack of funds, has not been possible.
But I thought we’d kind of come to an agreement. We were going to see what happened after we saw each other again. See if it was just a misunderstanding that was exacerbated because we were both stressed, him because of the event he was a part of (and helping to plan) and me because of the new job…
Turns out he was really able to shut down all feelings because of a mistake. A simple mistake.
But I’m getting ahead of the story.
Since he unintentionally blew me off on Sunday, we agreed to see each other on Thursday, at the museum, which I suggested because it was free and I didn’t want to feel like I owed him since I am going to be very broke for a bit. I know he wouldn’t mind, but I hate being a mooch, and I’ve had to be one for much longer than I care to admit…My pride won’t let me accept much more from him until I can repay his kindness.
Don’t get me wrong, I like being pampered, but I don’t like feeling like a charity case.
I had made all these plans for a staycation for after my first paycheck, because I see so much potential in “us.” His desire to make himself better had inspired me to take care of things I had been ignoring. The way he touched me made me feel beautiful already, but as he has begun going to the gym, I had hoped to begin my workout routine again. I know I’ve been letting myself go, and I can’t keep this up. The bad food and lack of exercise lends itself to depression… And with all the bad news this week, it would be easy to give in.
I liked the way I felt I could tell him anything. I didn’t have to hold back, though perhaps I’ve told him too much. My life is somewhat of an open book (I definitely recommend reading the linked post!). I tell most of my business to most people I know. It’s easier that way. Especially in relationships.
It’s been my experience that when I don’t tell someone things, even if it is something simple and not really any of their business, they will later come back and use it as an excuse to be mean to me. There’s been a lot of meanness in my life. Especially my dating life.
Thus, I now tell more than I should.
And I thought Superman didn’t have a problem with it. In fact I asked, and he said it was fine because he was curious. He said he liked my rambling stories. Or at least that he was getting used to them…
Turns out, all week (even though we haven’t seen each other since before we had a miscommunication) he’s been thinking perhaps we should stop seeing each other. Well, we hadn’t been seeing each other, so I guess that’s already taken care of… Kind of like when I asked him if he was just into me because of the sex, he told me we’d have to be having sex first.
See what I mean when I say he was a good one? One of a very short list of men who’ve ever been nice to me.
But he decided that we shouldn’t see each other because of a misunderstanding when we were both stressed, and both our schedules have changed. We haven’t been able to negotiate the new drains on our schedule, and it’s easier for him to get rid of me than to work on it.
But he didn’t say it to my face. He sent me a message. That I got on my lunch break.
So, on a day when I haven’t slept, during one of the worst weeks of the new year, a guy whom I thought was sweet and fun and intelligent and all around perfect, told me to nicely shove off. But like the Boy, he says it’s not my fault. I didn’t do anything. He just has been thinking about it all week…
Would someone please tell me what is so very wrong with me that men keep telling me that they don’t like me, but that it is not me?
This was the thing I was afraid of that made me overreact in the first place. I was afraid of being hurt. Again. I was afraid that he would decide I wasn’t good enough. I reacted badly. And my reaction pushed him away.
While I was sure that the uncertainty was taking the relationship to the next level, he was deciding that I wasn’t worth the effort to work on seeing each other.
And he didn’t even have the balls to say it to my face.