And then Bam!!

If things look too good to be true, they usually are. There are things that men don’t understand about women, just as there are easily equally as many things that women don’t understand about men, but we try. This is the prime difference between the sexes:

Women will try to understand men’s mindsets. Men would rather run far, far away.

run-away_monty-python

So it happened. Superman gave me the “we should be friends, but not do this anymore” speech. We went from having an almost perfect date on Sunday, to this on Wednesday…technically it began Tuesday night.

For the date, he met me in Barnes and Noble, and bought me a book, one in which I was afraid he would feel obligated to buy me, even though I had only picked it up to show him, because I thought he would like it as well:

2015-01-19 21.35.25

Then we went for a nice, casual dinner, followed by a fantastic time enjoying each other’s company and the beautiful night time sky at the beach.

Things felt perfect. They were really great, but the night before had been a rough one for me. I was upset, no real reason, just upset. Something didn’t feel right, and I had wanted to see him because I like the way I feel when I’m with him. I thought it would make things better. And he had wanted to see me, enough so to leave a get together with some of his guy friends so we could meet. Unfortunately, we’d both been drinking and I got terribly lost, but he was so sweet. I got emotional, partly because of the alcohol, and partly because I had had a really off day.

If I’m honest with myself, it goes back to that frustration I get because I feel like I’m the one chasing. It feels good when we’re together, and I always feel like he has a good time when we’re together, but he doesn’t make plans to see me again. He doesn’t ask if he can see me again. He’s just totally blah about if we see each other again.

It makes me question if he even likes me, or if it’s just a thing of convenience for him. I build it up in my head, wondering and analyzing because I don’t know why this feels so different from the others. For me.

But I try not to push, I don’t want to force a definition, it’s not a good idea. So instead I try to plan things… Again. I try to figure out if there’s any interest there. I’m still putting together pre-dates, it seems. He won’t take the initiative and act on the attraction.

And it hurts.

It reminds me that I am again not enough. Not good enough, or pretty enough… just not enough!

not-good-enough

I tried to explain it to him, that I would like him to make time for me, so that we can get to know each other, so we can see where, if anywhere, this is going… Saturday, while I was lost, he said he understood, and promised to make it up to me the next day.

Which he definitely did!

Monday was normal, I didn’t think anything was wrong. In fact, I thought I saw a posting that suggested he had feelings for me as well. So I took a risk. I made a statement that I could fall for him… Not had fallen, but could, in the future.

fallforyou

He basically went running, screaming into the underbrush.

Lesson learned.

Tuesday, one of my girlfriends and I were supposed to go out for a girl’s night, which turned into not just a girl’s night. So I invited him to tag along, since it was no longer just us gals. He had a previous engagement; he always seems to have a previous engagement. But, he said he would try. By 9:30, it looked like he wasn’t going to come, so, I messaged to see if he was going to make it. I pushed a little harder than I should, since I was tired, and had stayed a little longer than I had planned to in the hopes he would make it.

On my way home, he gave me a pseudo-apology, which wasn’t necessary. I told him I wasn’t upset, just tired. The communication felt strained, by then. So I let it be. Later, I thought I’d invite him out for Wednesday instead, since I would again be in that area after my tutoring session.

I fell asleep before he answered. The blinking light of the message woke me up, and what I awoke to was him:

lightmessage1) asking me when I would be in town; 2) telling me what his plans were; 3) making a statement about how he needed to work on himself and get himself in order because he felt scattered…

He has said something like that before, about his finances, which led me to feel like I was part of the problem. Perhaps it’s just because the Artist made a big to do about me being not as stable as he thought I should be, that it hit a nerve.

The Artist changed his tune from possible paramour to begrudging buddy when he realized that things in my life weren’t totally solid. When I moved out of my apartment, and when I downgraded to a sub, he repeatedly pointed out how it makes people nervous when the person they are seeing isn’t stable… Followed by the dreaded “let’s just be friends,” speech.

selffulfillingIt was too close for me not to feel the sting. I reacted as if it were the same speech. It was like the fulfillment of a prophecy. A prophecy that I had feared. I had feared that it was too good to be true. That it was just a little too perfect. That it felt too good. That he was just a little too nice for it to really become something.

And thus, today, when he gave me the “let’s just be friends” speech, I shut down. I had wanted him to tell me I was wrong. That he did feel things for me, and that he equally was curious where this could go.

I had stayed up all night analyzing the what if’s to see if I misinterpreted what he said, and if it was fixable; hoping that he would ask to see me tonight so we could meet in person and actually talk.

Instead, he told me that the way I reacted was enough to make him think we should stop seeing each other…

So much for not screwing this up.

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6 thoughts on “And then Bam!!

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