Though I don’t think of this as a relationship focused blog, that seems to be one of the things I write about a lot. Not because I’m any sort of expert (obviously), but because if anybody can learn from my mistakes as they follow along on my personal journey, then I’ll feel like I’ve done my duty.
That and I like to vent and the internet is a fantastic place for that since we humans do love our drama.
Sharing my personal dating stories hasn’t been without problems here and there (obviously). For instance, the Boy explained to me towards the end, or after he’d already decided it was the end without telling me or discussing it with me, that some of the problems he thought we had in our relationship were based on things he’d read on my blog.
In hindsight, the problems existed because he couldn’t handle honesty.
But more on that in a minute.
As a result, I didn’t want the Artist to read my blog. And when things got iffy with the Artist, I thought about modifying my posts just in case he happened to read something that would make him look at me differently. I didn’t want a repeat of my relationship with the Boy.
I never want a repeat of my relationship with the Boy.
I didn’t alter things, though. I may sugar coat things here and there, and I definitely use euphemisms when discussing things that are of an intimate nature, but otherwise I haven’t been holding back on my blog. I’ve discussed everything about the situation with the Artist, from the line he used to get my attention to his inability to follow through, which makes me so very nervous when I think about the possibility of a serious relationship with him.
Honesty is kind of an important deal for me. I had thought that the Boy and I were in a relationship based on honesty, and when I found out everything about our relationship was based on a lie, it absolutely crushed me. I spent months trying to decide when it was that the lies had begun or how I had missed things. My trust issues were compounded when I tried to ask what I thought were fairly basic questions. He thought they were awkward questions…
Well, when we’d been dating for several weeks and then all of a sudden I found out that he was still seeing (and possibly sleeping with) his ex, yeah I had questions.
Suddenly there was a new person with whom he’d shared 5 years of his life and I didn’t know anything about her… And she didn’t know about me. The comb hanging in his shower was her comb. He had toys in the apartment for her dog or her kid or both (the memories are a little fuzzy). She wasn’t a past person in his life, she was a current person in his life. One whom he’d failed to mention.
It was something I couldn’t reconcile in my brain because I had thought we were being honest with each other, and the breach of that honesty was a huge issue for me. One that I never was able to forgive. And one that he would repeat over and over again.
So when the Artist accused ME of lying by omitting information or sugar coating things, it… set me off a bit.
The ensuing fight was relatively nasty. Not as nasty as the first fight, but nasty enough that I cried a bit before all was said and done. Apparently I’m more of an emotional creature than I like to admit to myself.
But then something really great happened, something that had never happened with the Boy or with any of my previous relationships, whether romantic or not: We talked!
See, the fight had been because of something said in text, where there is no tone to help establish the subtext, the underlying meaning, of what is being said. I misread the tone of a question he asked, and he misinterpreted my response. I had been trying to make light of something because I thought we were being fun and flirty. He assumed I was only after sex because I was being fun and flirty.
He felt that I was holding back in order to get the sex he thought I was after.
See? Just a misunderstanding, but emotions had been running high because we both valued honesty… well, and I was a bit hormonal. I’m not sure guys realize there are actually days in our cycle where our brains cannot do logic. I was in that phase of my cycle.
We talked for probably over an hour, and by the end of it, we’d both apologized. It was an actual, grown up conversation. One in which progress was made.
And in which we agreed to a strictly total honesty policy between us. This new honest communication included an agreement that neither of us was interested in a serious relationship at this time… if ever.
I’m not 100% certain of his reasons, though I imagine it has to do with my appearance versus his. I can be honest with myself, too. I know I’m not that pretty, and he is by far the most handsome man I’ve ever dated, so he is out of my league physically. Of course, I don’t actually want to hear that, hence I haven’t asked.
As for me, I have big issues with his inability to finish what he starts. There is a lack of maturity and I fear that he hides behind these “5 year plans” of his to give him an excuse to fail. And yes, I did tell him that, although I think I may have just typed it a bit harsher here.
But the honesty is so very refreshing! No fear that I’ll be misunderstood, or if I am, I know that I can call him out on it and correct it. I actually feel closer to him now than I did when I thought we were working towards a dating scenario.
It doesn’t mean that I never second guess what I say, but when I feel like that, I can explain my concern without being worried that he thinks I’m crazy or clingy or whatever.
If I was going to give advice to anyone out there who reads my blog to learn from my
mistakes experiences, it would be this: give honesty a chance. This honesty thing is very liberating! I don’t know why people don’t do it more often…