I’ll take my crow with a glass of Chardonnay and a baked potato, please.
So I did it again. I posted something definitive and put it online while I was angry. The thing is, I thought I had calmed down and wasn’t upset anymore, but I was dwelling, which is worse, I suppose.
I was so fixated on how I felt, I wasn’t actually thinking about what I’d done in the situation. On the plus side, the act of writing it all down was very cathartic. I felt better. I wasn’t dwelling anymore, so I was able to really take an objective look at the argument. I think I may have offended the Artist in ways I wasn’t really thinking about.
I was discussing the situation with one of my girl friends, one of my more introverted friends who tends to see things in a different light than I do. As I was explaining it to her, I stopped and I felt the color drain from my face. Just by discussing it with her and trying to explain it in her terms, I’d realized what I may have done.
What if my being flirty made him think that all I wanted from him was sex?
It would explain why he felt the need to shove it in my face that he didn’t want anything romantic to do with me. He was trying to show me that the blame was on me: he didn’t want that so me wanting only that (as he presumed) was the reason why he could cut me out and not feel anything.
Furthermore, he has explained to me that the way his family communicated when he was growing up was to argue and then never solve the problem. So when he called and I was still hung up on things he had tried to explain to me, it felt like the very thing he disliked from his family.
Truth of the matter is, I was still angry. Most of my anger was at him telling me I was a liar, which he explained, but the fact that he had explained it, and I had attempted to apologize because I knew my feelings were raw, and yet we were still arguing about it made me particularly angry.
I was also angry because the kid I tutor, the one I think I need to drop, had been particularly frustrating, and then I had been stuck in traffic for over an hour because, as I’ve explained on here, the kid is about 25 miles out of my way (one way). I had road rage going on, and he brought up that the conversation we’d had didn’t work. I wasn’t in a place to hear that because I was in just a really bad mood. My entire day had been just bad, and it started when he’d called to try and talk it out, while he was at work.
Instead of me being pleased that he’d tried to talk it out, I was upset that he’d call when he didn’t really have the time to discuss it the way it needed to be discussed. So as my day got worse, I began to blame that conversation for messing up my energy or something.
Irrational. But I wasn’t in a very rational place.
So, I know he thought that I might have been lying to him, and while I don’t appreciate the way he did it, he attempted to confront me with it to get the answers he needed. I need to give him credit for that.
Now I think that I may have offended him in two ways I hadn’t thought of before:
- By insinuating that I wanted sex from him and nothing else.
- By acting in a negative way that is a red flag for him and repeating the fight instead of resolving it.
And to think that I really just thought he was upset that I was being honest about his 5 year plan…
Now I don’t know if he’ll even listen to me to apologize. Communication is a bitch sometimes. *Sigh*
It doesn’t forgive some of his negative behavior, but it explains how we went from the nice guy from the week before to the guy I was dealing with these last few days.