Dominance: You’re doing it wrong.

Just as I’d finally come up with a nickname for the Artist, he’s chosen to take a permanent exit out of my life. Or rather he’s forced me to choose for him. After 2 days of sparse (at best) communication, the Artist met with me briefly at a bar to let me know that he was most definitely going to treat me like crap because of the level of intimacy in our interactions…

Let’s just let that sink in for a moment. Because we have gotten too close, and beyond the friend stage, he had no choice but to treat me with disrespect…

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No wonder he’s single at 30, in spite of the fact that he’s an unbelievably handsome, intelligent, passionate man!

So what does he mean he’s going to treat me like crap? Well, he made me wait 4 hours before he came to meet me, although he told me he was getting ready to come see me at 7 yesterday evening. And when he did finally meet me, he commented that what he meant was that he’d be by to see me before the end of the day. Well, 11:30 pm is pushing it kind of close.

Furthermore, he said that that was why we needed to just be friends.

So… He can’t be nice to me while we’re dating, but I’m supposed to believe that he can be my friend? He’s not followed through on anything thus far, why should I believe he can follow through once we go backwards?

Not to mention that going backwards is something with which I’m not comfortable.

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When I tried to get an explanation, he told me that I didn’t need one, or that he just wasn’t going to give me one, or that it didn’t matter what was said… something inane like that. Also, he didn’t want to talk about it anymore at that moment, but we could talk about it when we were both calm tomorrow.

He’s screwed up my plans for 2 days, and I’m supposed to waste a third day so he can call the shots?

I think not.

His reasoning: he didn’t want to be psychoanalyzed because he was hung over from the night before. The night where he said I’d see him, and instead he tied one on with his “boys.”

At least he was smart enough to realize the psychoanalysis was coming…

Sapiosexual1That’s not fair. He is smart. That was one of the things that attracted me to the Artist in the first place: his brain, his passion, his vocabulary, his looks. All in that order. And his desire to be the strong one in the relationship.

See, I want a dominant guy. I want a guy who will call the shots and put me in my place when I’m wrong. The problem here is that he wasn’t putting me in my place. He was trying to establish his dominance, and that would be sexy, if he’d done it correctly.

But being a jerk is not the same as being dominant.

As far as the psychoanalysis, this all comes back to his upbringing, which I’ve mentioned is a little similar to mine, at least as far as the way his parents interact. The difference is that he resents his mother for being a strong, dominant female. He feels that that is not the way it should be, that the man should be the dominant figure. I agree, but being dominant does not mean disrespecting the other person!

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Respect is a big deal to me, so much so that it is the central idea in my classroom. Disrespecting me because he felt I was trying to just push him around because I wanted  deserved an explanation is unacceptable. When a person screws up, he doesn’t get to choose the time and manner in which he atones for his error. Or rather, he can choose, but it is up to the person to whom he is seeking forgiveness to accept it, and I will not accept this kind of behavior.

He even hung up on me when I asked him to explain what he meant in the last text he sent. He told me that he may have a big vocabulary, but he didn’t have the words to explain what was going on, but that the outcome was the more important part (or something to that effect… I purged him from my phone already). I didn’t understand (still don’t) how us not even being friends anymore is a positive outcome. Because that was where he’d steered us.

It seems to me that he was trying to be overly hard in order to establish that he wasn’t whipped or hooked or dependent on a woman in anyway. His resentment towards his mother showed in how he chose to treat me because he doesn’t want to repeat the relationship he saw growing up.

Lucy TherapistWhat he doesn’t realize is that by being a jerk, he is inviting people to correct him. When he doesn’t respond to a text, or makes a person wait indefinitely, he’s asking to be taught how to interact socially, which leads to him resenting the person who’s trying to educate him on his error. The more he acts like a child, the more the women he interacts with will try to correct it. The more the women try to correct him, the less he will respect them because it reminds him of his mother. But at the same time, it is familiar territory, which is why he continues to put himself into that sort of situation.

What he needs to know about me, is that I too come from a family where the women are more dominant, and having watched two generations where the wife “raises” her husband, I don’t want that. I’m not going to be his mother. So when he forces me to call to make sure he’s not dead because he’s 4 hours late, and then for an explanation he just throws a hissy fit like a 4 year old child, it’s not attractive.

I’m not going to talk to him about it any further, because I’m not looking for children, not to (literally) have at the moment, or to date (metaphorically speaking). datechildren

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3 thoughts on “Dominance: You’re doing it wrong.

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