I don’t know when it happened. There was a time when I would have slapped someone if I’d heard them say such a nasty thing about me. A year ago, I’d have sworn to you it was not true, without a doubt.
But I have to face the facts: I am a planner.
If I don’t have my lesson plans ready at least 3 days before I have to teach them, I feel anxious and can’t perform to the best of my ability. If I have too much free time, I might over-plan and double book myself, sometimes triple book myself. If I’m dating someone and I don’t know when we’re going to see each other again (even if it’s a round about time frame), I become the pursuer.
So, when a guy tells me that he’ll spend time with me, and I’m interested in the guy, I make time for him. This has consistently become an issue for me, because I take the implied promise of time together seriously. Apparently, I’m not only a planner, but I’m an optimist who takes people at their word… aka a Sucker!
I don’t think of myself as particularly needy, although I apparently am branded as such by the guys who make it beyond the first few dates and enter into the realm of possible future somethings. I think this is due to a terrible misunderstanding. They assume that my planning and belief in the integrity of people means something more than what it is. It rarely does, but the hurt I feel when they don’t follow through with a plan makes me seem needy.
In reality, here’s what I “need”:
- I need people to follow through with what they say they’re going to do.
- I need to have an idea of when I’m going to see a guy again.
- And I need honesty, including honesty about where a relationship stands, and when I’m going to see the person again.
I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Honesty is an important part of communication.But for some reason, and I’m not sure what it is, men feel the need to lie to women about certain things. Instead of saying that they had a good time, but need a little space, they say things, like “I’ll probably see you tomorrow,” or “I’ll call you.”
I know “I’ll call you,” is a line, and it usually means things didn’t go as well as they should have to actually get a call later. But when a guy says “I’ll probably see you tomorrow,” that suggests that they had a really good time, and that they are interested in actually continuing things.
Then when “I’ll see you tomorrow,” becomes “I’ll let you know,” which turns into just unanswered texts, it really irks me.
If you really have no intention of seeing someone, don’t lie to make them feel better. The lie is more harmful than the honest truth.
The Artist* and I had a really great time Thursday evening. Oh that man knows how to kiss! And he knows how to make me feel pretty, which is something I’m not used to, especially not after the Boy and his inability to tell me I’m attractive. We had some great conversation over a bottle of wine and an impromptu meal at Taco Cabana in the middle of the night, among other things. The whole night was intense and just about perfect… other than it meant that I got VERY little sleep for Friday.
As we were parting, he let me know that we’d probably get together Friday night as well. When, by 6 pm, I hadn’t heard from him, I texted to see if there was a “plan.” He was out with his “boys” and would let me know. By 8 pm, I could barely keep my eyes open because I hadn’t slept the night before. I let him know he could come by and wake me up when he was ready to hang out. Never heard from him…
See, my weekend is crazy busy. I’m volunteering at noon, have a birthday party and a spiritual event to go to, and have lesson plans to work on… and all in one day. I need Sunday to recuperate, and will probably not be going anywhere or talking to anyone, except the friend with whom I’m staying temporarily while I find a new apartment.
Friday was kind of the only time I could spare, because I am not even going to put on makeup or get out of my pj’s on Sunday, if I can keep from it, that is.
But the Artist has again told a fib, a silly one, suggesting that we’d hang out, and then not followed through. If he wasn’t so interesting (and such a great kisser), I’d have tossed him over by now. This wishy washy way of making plans is ridiculously infuriating. And I’ve got enough drama in my life right now, with work being not so great, and the search for an apartment taking longer than I’d anticipated; I don’t need the added drama of “will this be the time he follows through.”
See, I’m a planner, and it makes me dependent on people sticking to their end of the plan when we schedule something.
And the Artist isn’t, so it means very little to him to change plans on a whim. The fact that I understand this about him doesn’t really help me to not feel slighted when he tells me I’ll “probably” see him and then I don’t.
*The Artist is a much better nickname than “the new guy,” so from here on out, that is what we shall call the guy I’ve been seeing for a little over a month now.