Contrary to the above photo, I’m not referring to a foot fetish. That’s one fetish that makes me shiver in not so pleasant ways… although the brief texting encounter with the guy with the foot fetish was rather interesting.
I’m referring however to the dreaded foot in mouth disease!
Have I ever mentioned that I have a temper? Apparently sometimes I make stupid decisions while I’m angry and put things in print that aren’t exactly correct. For instance, yesterday’s post… Yeah, I was disappointed, but sometimes I jump to extremes.
Yes, I was disappointed by the turn of events. And no, it wasn’t because I was at the stage that the new guy presumed I was. No, I wasn’t sure if this was leading to a long term thing. But yes, I did like to think that it could eventually. In fact I can see that path fairly clearly, just as I can see the path where it crashes and burns in a blaze of anger and dramatics, but that’s kind of beside the point.
Sometimes in the attempt to keep things interesting on here, I tend to… not embellish exactly, but perhaps dramatize it a bit. (Splitting hairs, I know…)
I have a feeling it was part of the reason things went so very wrong with the Boy (since he later admitted that his friend who told him I wanted more was the same friend who had been reading my blog). In an attempt to keep things lively and entertaining on here, while I was writing my thoughts and feelings about where things were headed, I would sometimes discuss it as a full-fledged relationship.
I’ve sort of been doing the same thing again, but I wasn’t worried about it until after yesterday’s discussion with the new guy.
So, to briefly recap old stuff, the Boy told me that he wasn’t looking for a serious thing, which had been very contrary to his actions prior to that conversation. A guy doesn’t give a girl the keys to his place without expecting it to mean a little something… or rather, most guys don’t do that, obviously the Boy was something of an anomaly. It wasn’t until later, much later, that he commented on how his guy friends assumed I was talking about him on my blog, the blog which I restarted because I was inspired by his writing, and I wanted to get back to a state of writing regularly again. And even later than that, near the very very end of things, after the many failed attempts at being friends at various stages, he finally admitted that one of the reasons he decided to slow down was because he listened to his guy friends… the ones who read this blog.
Now, in hindsight (and not because of the Boy, but because of the new guy), I realize that perhaps an outsider who didn’t know me very well, as those guys didn’t (even though I was forced to go to the ritualistic Sunday morning breakfast with them for weeks), an outsider might read into the intentionally dramatic subtext and believe that I was at a stage I wouldn’t have said myself to be.
In the case of the Boy, did I think we were in a relationship really early on? Yeah. Did we move way to freaking fast? Better believe it! Was I comfortable with the speed we’d been going? Not in the least… but I wasn’t as vocal about the negatives as I was the positives, because I thought HE had wanted to be in a relationship, and as I had specifically stated in posts about the situation, I am a people pleaser and a person who wants to be somewhat submissive in my relationship role. So a man who takes charge and decides the pace is extremely sexy. And I will try to go with the flow.
Even when the flow is a lightning quick pace with which I am uncomfortable.
But I learned a lot from my experience with the Boy, more than I have from any relationship I’ve had prior. And, even though I have no desire to go back into that situation (I’d really rather gouge my own eyes out with thumb tacks), I’m still learning from it.
I’m learning to be more cautious and be more vocal when I’m displeased with a situation. I’m learning that if someone has misunderstood my meaning, that it’s okay to correct them. I’m also learning that I will get nasty with a person who hurts my feelings because of a misunderstanding. That shit is no longer acceptable!
I feel very strongly on that point: if you have made an assumption about me based on faulty information or logic, I will be certain to correct you, and if you don’t listen and further compound your error, I will get nasty. I’m not afraid of the low blows.
But I’m also learning to not to repeat old mistakes… or at least I’m trying not to repeat old mistakes.
So when the new guy started spouting the exact same drivel that the Boy had said (and for nearly the same reason), the shields came up, and I became immediately defensive, to the point of offensive, really.
And then, I posted a definitive ending online, as if that is ever really the end of things…
And then something dawned on me: Is it possible that I caused the misconception because I was doing the same thing as before? Did I give the impression that I was more involved than I felt I was because it was easier to do that than speak up about my feeling that things were too fast?
And did I say hurtful things just because I was hurt?
I think it’s possible that I did all of that… especially the last part. Although, sometimes the truth comes out more when I’m hurt because I’m angry enough to say exactly what’s on my mind.
Like, I do think that going backwards is a mistake. I always do. Life doesn’t work in reverse. And once you’ve entered a particular stage (whether too soon or not), going backwards can only be seen as a rejection, which is also unacceptable for me.
So for me, staying at a particular stage, once it’s understood what that stage is, is better than trying to go backwards. The Boy proved to me that backwards doesn’t work. I’d rather just let a thing go than go backwards. And I’m no longer afraid to do that…
Then again, I don’t want to lose something that could end up in a really great place.
Suffice it to say, the angry ending I thought was happening yesterday has become something of a stalemate while we actually get to know each other, and as long as we’re not actually going backwards (like the Boy did), I’m okay with this. In the meantime, I have to remember not to stick my foot in my mouth when I’m angry. Words said cannot be unspoken…