Will, Pedro, Johnnie, Marcus, Rez, Tim, The Boy…
There is something particularly cathartic about deleting people from your contacts once you’ve decided they are no longer worthwhile participants in your life. That feeling of “I don’t need you anymore,” as you hit the delete button on your phone, or, if you’re old school, scratch their name out of your little black book.
I was going through my contacts, looking for the pharmacy number (needed a refill on one of my heart meds), and saw a whole slew of people I didn’t speak to anymore. Most of which had only made it to a first or possibly a second date level, but I’d kept their number in my phone, not really caring that they were taking up valuable space. Some of which had never made it even to the FIRST date level, but had been fun texting buddies for a bit, like the guy with the foot fetish who wanted me to send him pics of my feet in various conditions: in heels, in flats, in stockings, bare feel with nail polish, bare feet with no nail polish…
He never made the cut to a first date, but he did give me a lot of insight into the world of foot fetishes. And this is a world I do NOT want to visit. But the conversation was fun for a while. A very short while.
His number, though, has lived in my phone for months, as if I thought perhaps he would contact me again, or perhaps because I thought that one day I might overcome my fear of the foot fetish and give him a call. The latter is very doubtful, but who knows?
The main thing is, he is no longer taking up space in my phone, along with all the other guys I spoke to or went out with over the past few months:
- The guy who took me to the museum but purposefully steered me away from the one exhibit I wanted to see.
- The guy who stopped me while I was walking my dog and gave me his card, but even though he owned his own business, his idea of a first date was to take me to Boston Market. *Please note, I like Boston Market, but a first date should not take place where the silverware is plastic.
- The guy who made it to date 2, in spite of the fact that he was talking marriage and kids on the first date.
- The guy who very ungentlemanly shoved his tongue down my throat when we first met, and then decided our first official date should be him cooking me dinner at his place, and then got offended when I said I was uncomfortable with that.
- The guy who I maybe should have continued dating instead of trying to date the Boy.
- And of course, the Boy. Even though I told him some time ago I didn’t want to deal with him any more, and that we weren’t friends because he couldn’t act like my friend, I had let him continue taking up prime space in my phone, with a contact picture that was taken when things were good between us: a goofy pic of him in New York.
All these guys, plus a few other people not date related, had to go. They are no longer people I need in my life. Most of them weren’t needed in my life to begin with, but it wasn’t worth deleting them.
In fact, some of them I think I’d purposely kept to make the boy jealous while we were trying to be friends. Since he’d gone out of his way to make me feel like I was so unworthy of his time, I wanted him to know that he wasn’t the only guy in my life. Silly I know, and obviously unnecessary, since I was never important to him anyway.
But this post isn’t about him.
This post is about me deleting unnecessary people out of my life because I have someone who makes me feel special in my life now.
But I keep finding myself revisiting my relationship with the boy on here; not because I miss him, or even care what’s going on with him, but because I almost don’t want to share the new guy with the rest of the world.
The new guy and I are moving fast, way too fast, but it’s comfortable. I enjoy spending time with him. He makes me feel beautiful and needed, but when I’m not with him, I’m not worried whether or not I’ll see him again. I’m not worried what direction things will go because they are just nice right now. I don’t see any reason for them not to continue in a good direction, but if it doesn’t work, then it can’t possibly be as bad as the last situation, so I’ll make do.
Before, with the boy, I always wondered whether or not he was thinking about me, or if we’d see each other again, because things changed so fast once his guy friends told him I wanted more from the relationship than he did. Suddenly there was no communication and it made me so uneasy because I had no idea what was going on.
I was worried that I was losing something, but only because I was so convinced that there was something to be lost.
I see now that there really wasn’t. The relationship that I thought existed was nothing more than a figment of my imagination planted there by a player who will never commit to anything because he doesn’t know how to think of anyone but himself. And he was never as great as I made him out to be in my head. The comfort that I thought was there was never really there. His feelings for me were never anything more than affectations. He was fake, false, not really what I was looking for.
Now, with the new guy, if this doesn’t work, yes I really think I will be losing something, yet I’m not worried about it. In our conversations, I’ve seen that he’s just as worried that something could go wrong. He has shown me his vulnerable side, which, by the way is another change from the Boy: when I ask questions, there is no hesitation. He just answers the question. Later, he might comment that he shouldn’t be so open with me because it’s not good game, but he doesn’t realize that that is the perfect way to play the game with me. No secrets, no space for doubt to enter into things. Just open, honest communication.
If this doesn’t work, yes I will lose something, but I’m more confident about myself now. I don’t worry whether or not I’m going to see him, because our time together is always quality time, even if we’re just sitting in the same space doing different activities. There is interaction, meaningful interaction at that, even when we’re involved in different things. Every time we part ways, I feel fulfilled from that experience.
So, if this doesn’t work, yes I’ll be losing something, something wonderful, but I’ll have grown as a person, and made a real friend in the meantime.
So all those guys hiding in my phone, for a rainy day, or just in case… well, I don’t need them anymore.