My last post was most definitely a message for someone. I’ve been waiting for a response from the email I sent before I posted last night’s “Don’t ever contact me” message, and then realized how insanely stupid that was. I don’t want to hear from him. Or rather I don’t want to hear what thing he might say, because it certainly isn’t the thing I want or need him to say.
So, for those of you who are new, or for those of you who really haven’t heard it all, here’s the short version of a relationship, that’s not a relationship, that I thought was a relationship, that never could be a relationship:
Boy meets Girl at group function. Girl makes somewhat sexy comment, in general, not directed at the Boy. Boy adds Girl on Facebook. Girl accepts request on Facebook. Boy woos Girl with sexy talk and intellectual speak, and fun conversation, surpassing Girl’s “conversation test” not by minutes, or hours, but by days. They have all day conversations from the time the Girl begins her conference period til the time she goes to sleep. This conversation would stretch between class periods and took up entire evenings of the Girl’s time while she fell madly, unrealistically in love with an idea of a Boy.
After two weeks of this hard pressed romance, Girl suggests the Boy ask her out. They go on a fabulous date where he waits til he sees her walk towards the restaurant to let her know he wanted her to come first, because he’s “thoughtful like that.” Girl swoons. The smell of the Boy makes her forget where she’s at or where she’s going. The smell of the Boy sends her into a la la land of fantasies, fantasies he swears in chat he will make come true.
During this time, Girl has been seeing another boy, one not so charismatic in chat, a little less thoughtful, and shorter. When talking to her friends, all her friends tell her to get rid of the other boy; the Boy who makes her swoon in person makes her smile in memory. So Girl tells Boy about the other boy, and devises a plan to get rid of said other boy. Girl sets up a standard (in her mind) of openness and honesty, in which Girl and Boy don’t keep secrets from each other because they trust each other.
Boy goes out of town. Boy asks Girl to watch his apartment. We are now 4 weeks into their fledgling relationship. Girl thinks this is odd, but has been waiting for a man who knows what he wants and moves quickly to snatch it up, so she goes along with it. Girl dutifully drives out of her way and sneaks into Boy’s apartment complex to make sure no burglars have busted into the apartment, though she doesn’t yet have a key. It is way too early for that.
Boy returns briefly, and the two lovebirds have a fantastic time, spending as much time together as possible, because Boy is about to go out of town again for work, and for longer this time. Boy begins asking Girl to come over, to just sit in his presence. He has her play video games on one console while he plays in a separate part of the apartment, occasionally calling her over to look at what he’s doing. Boy asks Girl to make cookies for him while they play, and has her help him clean the apartment. He cleans, too, but gives her directions.
Girl has been waiting for a strong, alpha male to come into her life and give her some direction and to need her in his life, so Girl is ridiculously happy to oblige. But soon, the Girl realizes that it’s odd to want to just sit in the same basic space.
And she realizes that the Boy isn’t talking with her as much, and she starts to wonder why the Boy seems less interested in physical activity than she (remember, the scent of him makes her light-headed in a beautiful way). Girl begins theorizing that perhaps she’s not doing something right, but when she asks, the Boy says, that no, he just likes having her in his space. So the Girl relaxes.
Then the Boy goes back out of town. We’re now six weeks into their romance, and he has given the Girl his keys, but not for her to keep. Instead he suggests that she give his keys to his mother… whom she has never met. Girl takes this as a wonderful sign that they are decidedly in a relationship now. But Girl does not realize that Boy is more socially awkward than he even let on, and not only is this not a sign of a relationship, he is unaware of what he’s saying to her.
Meanwhile, Girl has been going to breakfast with the Boy’s friends on Sundays because the Boy asked her eight times to come meet his friends. He wanted to share that part of his life with her. Girl thinks this is the continuation of their standard of honesty and openness. But the Boy’s friends have been kind of teasing her, one of which accuses her of going through the Boy’s things in order to find out information, when in fact the Boy had given her this information.
Before Girl can do anything, Boy tells her that he doesn’t want a relationship, and that he’s still in contact with his ex… Girl’s heart breaks a little because the openness and honesty which she values so dearly has been proven to be a lie. Girl confronts Boy about the situation: Are they still dating? How much contact does he have with her? Girl begins noticing things belonging to the ex still in the apartment. How could she not have seen that before?
The more questions she asks, the less open the Boy is with her. He begins accusing her of being jealous, when she has no right. Girl never claimed a right, but did believe they were being open and honest with each other.
Girl begins to wonder if the ex is the reason for the sudden halt in their relationship, and thus points out all the ways in which they were in a relationship.
By week 8, things are touchy, but the Girl is confident that they will be okay. Then Boy asks the ex to watch his place because the Girl pointed out how the watching of his place suggested that Boy and Girl were in a relationship.
Meanwhile, Girl is still having breakfast with the Boy’s friends on Sundays. The Boy’s friends are still teasing her, and making her realize how little she knows. She tries to glean information without being nosy. This is ridiculously difficult, and comes across as being sneaky. The Boy’s friends quit even pretending to like her; now they only tolerate her.
Girl buys Boy a Christmas present, a somewhat expensive present, one with sentimental meaning related to an inside joke, but the Boy is not in town for Christmas. She tells Boy’s friends; one approves, the other does not.
The Boy comes home early, lies to Girl about being in town, and about spending the night with his ex, and does not understand why the Girl is upset. All honesty and openness stop. The Boy quits telling her things. The fighting begins to get really nasty.
We are nearly three months into the relationship. Girl begins to doubt anything the Boy says. She seeks for proof of certain answers. She tries to help Boy see the mistakes he made with his ex, and how the ex is manipulating him. He rejects her advice, and accuses her of being jealous.
And yet the Girl remembers the way he made her smile when he was too nervous to kiss her on their first date. The scent of him still makes her swoon. This is just a phase, she says to herself, We can get past this and get back to a happy place.
Boy begrudgingly takes the Girl to a New year’s Eve party, where she meets some of his old friends, friends who later accept her as one of them. Friends who also, much later, tell her that the Boy is a bit of a flake; he can’t be trusted to keep his appointments. If he says he’ll be there, we get excited if he actually shows up, but we don’t expect it, they tell her.
Boy refuses to be intimate on New Year’s Eve. Girl begins to wonder why they are even in a relationship at all, and remembers that they’re not. She begins to question what purpose does she serve for him at all, and begins to try to figure it out. She decides it might be time to leave, but he will not let her go.
Fast forward to near Valentine’s Day. The Boy has met someone new, but just a friend. She’s going to teach me origami, he says. The Boy and Girl talk less and less. He doesn’t invite her over for anything anymore. The Girl has begun to question that they are even friends, but when she asks, the Boy tells her that’s what he wants. The Boy agrees to come over for a Valentine’s Dinner, as long as it is not a celebration of Valentine’s Day itself, but just a normal dinner date. Or not even a date. Just dinner.
The Boy has made the claim that they go on a lot of things he doesn’t realize are dates until the Girl explains it later.
There is a fight. About the lack of communication and intimacy between them. The Boy cancels Valentine’s dinner. The Boy has still never given the Girl her Christmas present. The Girl is ready to give up, and yet he still won’t let her go.
The Girl begins to believe that if he won’t let her go, he must have some feelings for her… She tries to find out if it’s true, since they are not being intimate, how does one tell? She doesn’t know, but the quest for answers causes more fights.
The Girl has an epiphany. She realizes how she’s been wrong, but now it is too late, but she doesn’t know it yet. The Boy agrees to meet her mother, and joins them for lunch. Her mother approves of the Boy, in spite of the fights the Girl’s mother knows about. The Boy says he’s found a gift for the Girl’s mother. Things seem really good. They have two really good solid weeks. Only one argument in that entire time, and the Girl recognized, and acknowledged that it was because she misread something and jumped to conclusions.
Now we’re into March, and it is over, but the Girl doesn’t realize. She needs something happy in her life. Her job has been making her not only miserable, but sick as well, and she’s going broke from missing too many days of work.
And they had those two really solid, good weeks; things seemed to be on an upswing. Then the Boy tells her he wants to be just friends. He tells her this after being intimate. Tells her he doesn’t remember the good things she remembers. Of course, by now, it is hard for her to remember them either.
And the whole time, she’s been trying to figure out her side of the relationship and his, too, because he wouldn’t talk to her.
Now it is April. The Boy has informed her that maybe he doesn’t want to be even friends. The Girl has been saying this for a couple months now, about since February, when he canceled Valentine’s Day. The Boy accuses the Girl of sabotaging the relationship because she wasn’t getting what she wanted. The Boy doesn’t understand that the Girl can’t just turn off her feelings. She’d fought so hard to make it through all the rest, in order to be in a relationship, how can she just turn it off?
The Boy also informs her that the friend who is teaching him origami is coming into town. And he is interested in her. The Boy has been forging a new relationship under her nose, and while she was trying to figure out why he was pulling away, he was choosing her replacement.
She has watched him get jealous of her other prospects (his idea), and she has put up with being mistreated by his friends, and she has fought her friends to protect his reputation, and she has argued with her mother who didn’t approve of how he had been treating her of late. And the whole time he was moving on, and not saying anything.
The culmination of all this was the post last night. I don’t need this in my life any more. It’s not healthy and I don’t want it.
Ok, so that wasn’t the short version. But having seen it all in print, I can now see how bad it’s been and for how long it’s been that way.
I really don’t want that kind of energy in my life! Not when I’ve been seeing other people, and meeting new men all the time. Men who want to be in my life, and are willing to talk to me.
So Goodbye, Boy. I’m looking for a man now. I don’t have time to play with children, or childish behavior. If you decide you are a man, and can treat me right, maybe give me a call. Other wise, I hope you find someone more willing to put up with your crap than me.