Posted in Advice, Dating

Seeking an Intellectual Alpha Male

So what is it that a woman wants? I can’t speak for all women, but I want an intellectual alpha male. I am aware that I, when I’m healthy and ok, am a fierce alpha female. But, I do not want to be an alpha female to a beta male. I’ve seen that, and while it works for some, it is a thing I never want to have to deal with.

alpha female

My family is a prime example. Both my mother and grandmother married traditional alpha males: physically strong, not a lot of intellect. Both men were in the military. Both men worked hard, physically intense jobs when they got out of the military; jobs which made enough money to support their families. But in the end, both my mother and my grandmother went back to school, and in the end became the supporters because they were more highly educated than their spouses. They handled the finances and made the decisions because they were smarter, and thus better equipped to do those things.

alpha femaleIn the case of my grandmother, it worked out fine; she is a natural alpha female. But for my mother… she is a type B personality who tried taking on an alpha role. The result has been very trying for her.

I am an alpha female who happens to also be a people pleaser. It’s what I do. I like to make people happy because when other people are happy, I am happy. It’s as simple as that. And I’m good at it. If I were to get involved with a beta male, he’d always be trying to please me, and that would just frustrate me. I need to feel useful. I need to be given a task to do, something to show that I care through helping others.

But I also need someone with a brain. If a man cannot keep my attention in conversation for at least an hour, he doesn’t even get a chance at 15 minutes for…well just about anything else. Now, by conversation, I don’t mean just small talk, although, that’s a good place to start. I mean real talk! I need a man who can teach me something I don’t know, or is willing to have a debate about the latest policy over       (fill in the blank)     .

So I’ve devised what I think is the perfect category for what I need: The Intellectual Alpha Male.

And I have the perfect example of what that means: Dr. Henry Walton “Indiana” Jones, Jr. 

intellectual alpha male
Look at that focus, calculation, passion, brilliance… Sexy!

Indiana Jones is a very smart man. He’s a professor of archaeology, for goodness’ sake! So he definitely qualifies as someone who could teach me something. It is what he does the majority of the time, after all. I mean life can’t always be life threatening treasure hunts, right?

Intellectual alpha maleBut let’s look at those treasure hunts: Why does he do them? Because he has passion for his job. That’s the next important aspect of an intellectual alpha male. Whether it’s teaching, or computer programming, or engineering, or the games that they play on the weekends, Intellectual alphas really have a passion for what it is that they do. And in a lot of instances, it is what they do that gives them verbal fodder for our conversations. You program computers? I know nothing about that, teach me! What type of engineer are you? And what does that title mean? You have a favorite character from World of Warcraft (or Warcrack, as I lovingly refer to it)? Tell me, why are they your favorite? What makes that character special?

intellectual alpha male

Share your passion with me. Talk to me. Just say something! With enough passion and enough knowledge, an hour conversation is nothing, I assure you!

intellectual alpha maleAnd if you run out of things to talk about, crack a joke. Almost every girl who’s in a successful relationship will tell you her significant other is funny. Even those of us with a lot on our plate need someone to make us forget our troubles every now and then, and a witty banter, or a well timed joke can take our worries away. For me, personally, I have brothers, so I appreciate a well executed dirty joke, or even the more potty humor… but only to a point.

An intellectual alpha is humorous, but sometimes he is also practical (and sometimes the two go together, like in the video below). I am a very emotional person, and I need a man who’s going to make me realize I’m being ridiculous, but in a way that is respectful and doesn’t cause a fight. Someone asked me once what I wanted in a guy and I responded, “I want a guy who can put me in my place when I’m wrong, and that I respect enough to let him do it.” The lady who asked me nearly fainted. Apparently it was too old-fashioned for her to believe those words had come out of my mouth, but it’s true.

intellectual alpha maleWhile I am an alpha female, I am still just a silly girl, sometimes. I’m not great with money, I let my emotions get the better of me sometimes, and I like to be right… a lot. But when I’m wrong, when I’m making a particularly bad decision, I want a man who is willing to step in, and be an Alpha Male, and tell me I’m wrong. There’s an art to it, to be sure. A random guy telling me I’m wrong isn’t going to make me go weak in my knees, but if he can prove to me that I’m wrong, or if I already respect him enough to value his opinion, it’s a very sexy, overtly masculine trait that I look for.

Looks are a nice plus, I mean after all, if there isn’t at least some physical attraction, the rest only leads to a good friend, but looks aren’t the primary factor. A person is beautiful based more on what’s inside of them than on what their bodies look like.

So I think that’s it: intelligent, humorous, practical, passionate, and respectfully forceful, that’s what I’m looking for. And looks don’t hurt.

Oh who am I kidding? No such man actually exists! So I guess I’m still waiting for my timelord! ten




High school teacher by day, relationship/romance blogger by night. Help me add author to the list. Vote for my book idea here:

41 thoughts on “Seeking an Intellectual Alpha Male

  1. If that last message of yours was a sort of challenge, I can assure you now that intellectual alpha males exist. You gotta search harder.

    1. Any suggestions as to where to find them? The few times I thought I found one, they ended up being either beta males or they use the assumed confidence of an alpha male as an excuse to be a serious jerk. I’m sure I’m just looking in the wrong place…

  2. You seem like a nice gal. But I am not sure your analysis was thorough to realize that a guy who will “put you in your place” may induce some loss of confidence in yourself over time. But I guess you know yourself better, so you are ready to get what you wish for. The part about “a person is beautiful based more on what’s inside of them than on what their bodies look like” made me smile; somehow it reminded me of the minion ride at Universal Studios, they tell you at the end you are now “a minion on the inside”. Hence make sure you don’t get yourself a minion, for some they may come across as “intellectual” kind. 🙂 But, geez, I was looking for a leather case for a CASIO FX-CP400 scientific calculator and I have no idea how Google took me at your blog… I guess it was some image with Russell Crowe holding one… I’ll check up with your blog later, it’d be fun if this “conversation” can become real, you seem to at least give a man some serious topic to talk about. Atypical for a woman these days…

    1. Wow. I’m not certain how a search for a case for a calculator would bring you to this blog post, but welcome! You may have a point about the self esteem thing. I certainly don’t want someone to constantly tell me I’m wrong, but I do know that sometimes when I get overly excited (or overly stressed) I don’t make the wisest decisions, so it would be nice to have a partner that I trust to help reign me in from time to time. I definitely look forward to continuing this conversation. A man who is willing to engage in serious conversation is equally as atypical.

      1. My personal observation over time was that women wish to have a man that helps them shine. There is a sense of insecurity/vulnerability in everybody (I don’t believe in the James Bond kind and even if it’d exist, that’s rather an indication something in his humanity was lost in the process of becoming the “perfect weapon”) and we all, both men and women, seek to have around those who help us show/do our best. I read a bit about your other struggles and I think there are some adjustments you may consider. I am not sure if I’d like to discuss about this out in the open. What I can tell you though is you are right to seek a certain kind of person. With wisdom and tact your life can turn to be better. I am sure you have your dreams and that would be a point to start with. But yet again, I am not sure these should be discussed in the open. People tend to do this today and so many times they get hurt. Exposing things about yourself so easy, even if it’s a form of broadcasting the world you wish to find good people for your life, may also have unintended (on your side) consequences. Internet and personal exposure made mean people so effective. It gave them access to our souls shall we dare to lay it in front of the world, the cruelty became so effective. That led to even good deeds and intentions today to be considered suspicious, dubious. Anyway, I wish I’d have a door rug under which I can leave you my phone number, an e-mail or something that can carry this conversation in private… It’s amazing how this almighty internet can help people get in touch with each other, still, keeping them so far away from each other simply because is so hard to trust somebody you just met in “text mode”… Looking forward to your thoughts… A.

  3. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to this, Alex. I read your response right before bed, and made myself a note and then promptly lost it in the bottom of my computer bag, a note which I just found while cleaning out my bag. The end of the year gets to be so complicated in the life of a teacher…

    Anyway, in response to what you said, oh where to begin? Right off the bat, I think what you said about women wanting someone to make them shine is true, but not as negatively as perhaps you intended it to be. I think we all want our significant other to make us feel like we shine. We want someone who sees our blemishes and who looks past those to the parts of us that do shine, those things that we don’t let out to the world. We all want someone who helps us to put our best face forward to the world.

    For me, personally, that means I need a man who can help reign me in when I go off half cocked. I get really excited and swing from extreme to extreme. Not in the clinically bipolar sense, but I do tend to feel every emotion to it’s fullest. This can be a good thing, but can also be a bad thing, and because I’m aware of it, I tend to second guess myself. Alternatively, I’ll get super excited about a thing and make up my mind to do it, even if it’s a terrible idea, but will ride that wave of enthusiasm right into a bad situation.

    So yeah, for me, a guy who can pull me down from the rafters and help me see things sensibly is a plus.

    As for what you said about it being dangerous to post personal things online, that is also true. For me it’s important for me to have a place where I can put it all out there, though, because I’ve spent so much of my life hiding behind the facade that was expected of me. It was a shifting mask that changed dramatically to fit the needs of whomever I was hanging out with at the time. While it made me a great actress in school, and is a skill that helps me to put others at ease and thus calm some dangerous situations (can’t remember some of the fights I’ve had to stop at my old school), it’s also something that makes it really hard for me to just be myself. I compartmentalize my whole world, making me feel fragmented. There are only a small handful of people who get to see all of me at once, and I’m tired of feeling like I’m always putting on a show.

    Anyway, this is a lot to take in all at once. You’re right, there needs to be a way to communicate that’s not on here. Let me see what I can do about that…

    1. Elizabeth, I know how we can talk: I have created an e-mail account with the address Provided you will read this within the next hours/days, you can sent me an e-mail there with the address you wish me to contact you at. That address is protected by a good password, it’d take some effort to crack it. Long enough for me to get your message and then delete it. Next time after, I’ll write you from my own e-mail address and I guess will take it from there. It’s funny, there is a way for two people to communicate safely in public, it’s called the Diffie-Hellman algorithm, but it assume we both share a “secret” to start the encrypted dialogue. I guess the e-mail stunt I am proposing is closer to a public/private key method. After we’ll establish contact, I’ll abandon that e-mail address and you’ll never use it (sorry Yahoo for taking server space). OK, looking forward to upgrade our conversation. Meanwhile, with friendship yours, A. PS. Answer briefly to this post when you’ll send me the message at, I’ll be notified that you have reacted.

      1. No offense, but that’s a very sketchy sounding email address… I hope you won’t mind if I create my own fake address first. I haven’t decided if I’m comfortable with this arrangement, but if I decide to email you, it probably won’t be from my personal email address right away. Like you mentioned before, the internet is a dangerous place.

      2. No offense taken, I wouldn’t have expected you to do otherwise. I will start using my own personal e-mail though. My e-mail is a paid business account, so the reason why I don’t post it here is to avoid having it flooded with letters from secret admirers. 🙂 Other than that, as long as you are at the other end of “the wire” and the conversation goes private, as far as I’m concerned, you can use any e-mail address you wish. Looking forward to talking to you , I read few other posts of yours, I have so many things to tell you! 🙂 Later, Elizabeth! –Alex

        PS. of course the e-mail was sketchy, that’s on purpose! Its life span is suppose to be short, just to allow beginning a conversation! When I post here they rehire my e-mail. I use my real e-mail and get notified when you answer. Unfortunately I don’t think you have a way to see it, otherwise you could have used it already (my personal e-mail).

  4. I love this. I am becoming more and more convinced that I have split personalities, and you’re one of them, and I get to read your blog when I’m back in control…

    That isn’t supposed to sound as creepy as it does.

  5. Wow very interesting post. Something to certainly think about. Keep up the great posts ❤️

  6. Alpha males and very confidant. powerfull, unemotional, intimidating, never wrong and have high self control. Coorporate man are usually alpha males (70% of them). They usually have more than one female as sex partners and can easily seduce women in general. He can submit everyone around just by intimidation when he does not have things his way. Having an alpha male as a protector or provider is the best thing for women in general. Places like Wall street are basically a jungle of alphas 🙂
    Controlling them is impossible though.

    1. What you’re describing is the stereotype of an alpha male, something of a caricature created based on what society has shown us in films, but not truly what an alpha male was ever meant to be. Confident, powerful, high self control, I will agree with those, but a man who is never wrong and is intimidating is not an alpha, but a sociopath. The outdated, barbaric, caveman definition of an alpha male was one who wanted a lot of female partners because it was genetically preferable, but I submit that we’ve evolved beyond the need for that, and as such what I’m suggesting is that there is such a thing as an Intellectual Alpha, who is as confident and powerful as your assholic alpha definition, but is more refined and has reached the top of his field based on his intellect as opposed to his brute strength. That form of alpha male is a much more beneficial partner for a woman these days, as he’s more likely to be a true provider than a man who can only rely on his brutish methods of bullying and intimidation. I also believe that if you truly believe that your idea of an alpha male is the “best thing for women in general,” that perhaps you’ve stepped into the wrong arena. The alpha females that come here are not interested in a man who would subjugate them, but one that would recognize them as equals.

  7. I know it is a stereotype, its the closest thing of an instintictive animal. The thing is, what is considered brutal is only a theory, but in practice you will see alphas as very polite and self controling. My basis is biology, alpha males are actually charming and gentle with women, and repectfull for the beta males that follow his lead. Intimidation is for those who he see as a treat to his rules. They are not perfect though, thats why they dont seem emotional, because they achieve power by working and deniying his own fellings to reach the very top, and when it works he doesnt see need for emotions. Also as any alpha, convincing them that they are wrong is very hard, they got so far by their own, so no reason to see others opinions. Alphas are not always in position of power, but they have high society value and influence. A conversation is always interesting when there is an alpha (male or female) around. The best thing for women comes for hypergamy theory, women want to be with someone with higher social status (not all of course). Alpha males are at the peak of social influence so thats why they are the best for women, not because they think women are less of a person. Men in general worship women anyway, even alphas. So i guess i was not very clear. I pointed the positives and the negatives, but as always, its the negatives that are always seen in the spotlight, the goods is a defaut mode in our heads. But the real problem is monogamy, it sets a high standard of morality that no alpha can follow, poligamy happens even in these days when alphas just divorce and get married againg, if it was not the law, he would not divorce and keep the first wife. Half of the male population wont reproduce while 80% of women will, what that shows? One man is doing the job of many. Society can change, but the biological patterns always stays the same.

    1. I would still argue that some of what you’re describing defines a sociopath and not all Alpha Males (as sociopaths are definitely alphas). As society adjusts, the traits that make one successful, and therefor Alpha, change. Yes, biology once said that polygamy was necessary, but there are plenty of animals that mate for life with a single mate, Similarly, there is such an emphasis on teamwork, that to be truly Alpha one has to learn to work with a team, or at least lead using methods other than intimidation. Even if we look at nature for an example, it is often seen with wolves that the Alpha guides the pack from behind, going last, not first. Human hubris has altered what defines the Alpha role. As far as me only acknowledging the negative, look at what you wrote again, and please identify what positives I missed. I acknowledged the confidence, high self control, and powerful, and I agree with those, so there was no need to discuss them further. The rest of what you wrote was full of examples of someone who uses the guise of Alpha to be an asshole: easily seduces women, has many sexual partners, forces submission by using intimidation when he doesn’t get his way (which sounds more like a bully than an Alpha). You ended it by saying that the best thing for a woman was to find an Alpha to be a provider and protector. This isn’t the 50’s anymore, and women don’t need protectors or providers. We can do just fine on our own. We may want a man who wants to do those things, but we do not NEED a man to do those things, and most of us, or at least those of us who identify ourselves as alpha females, prefer a man who would want to do those things, but would also push us to be equal partners in that endeavor. Woman no longer have to marry up per hypergamy theory.

      1. I was mostly referring to your original post here, however, even if we look at the second post, the lack of emotion is a trait of a sociopath. Alpha males throughout history have been very passionate as opposed to lacking emotion. Same with your supposition that Alphas don’t seek the advice or opinions of others: this is a trait of a sociopath, and while yes, sociopaths are by definition alphas, they are also lacking the more human aspect of that. They cannot work within the confines of society, doing only what pleases them, and working within the rules through manipulation and intimidation until their rule IS the only rule. They also are very charming, and they may respect women to a point, so long as the woman is giving them specifically what they want, but the moment that she quits, a man who just jumps ship to another woman, whether it be in an openly polyamorous relationship or through cheating or by divorcing and remarrying, that is more a “sociopath” than an Alpha. I may be using sociopath where I should be using the word “psychopath,” but there is really very little difference, if any at all, in the definition.

  8. BTW i am not talking about phisical intimidation, thats a crime! I am talking about the coorporate alpha male that have people working for him and when he intimidates them its about their job. I am talking about the the alpha that got far by his intelligence. That is the topic of this page so thats the one i am talking about.

    1. I never assumed you meant physical intimidation exclusively, though intimidation by any means is bullying and manipulation, and more suited, as I’ve said, to a sociopath who does not recognize the rules set by society. An Intellectual Alpha plays within those rules and doesn’t need to resort to manipulation in order to reach his state, nor would he feel threatened enough to do so because he is confident enough in his abilities that he would see competition as a healthy tool for growth as opposed to a threat to his superficial sense of power. We’re not cavemen, or rams butting horns to establish dominance and attract a mate. An intellectual alpha is more socially aware and psychologically evolved than the traditional alpha, which is what spurred me to write this post in the first place.

  9. Cool, yes traditional alphas are more commom and they do use some intimidation sometimes, but they dont know it, its when people report that they find him intimidating that he realise that. But any alpha is already very intellectual and smarter than the majority so when you meet one i guess you will know. They are very rare though, like 13%-20% of the male population. About the sociopath: well yes you are right, they are alpha but that does not mean that a alpha having less emotions makes him a sociopath. The police is basically the alpha male type of intimidation, it is there so anyone that does not follow the rules are pusnished, severe actions are not always bad thats my point. Sociopaths lack empathy alpha males dont. The emotion thing is also better understood under neoteny explanation, they do have emotions but they are different from the ones that have high juvenile values, that is the self control thing. They are also good fathers. Well about poligamy: its because women have a biological clock much faster than the male, this influence not only how a man and a women think but also as they see eachother as an atractive thing. Neoteny explains that too. When women get older her sexual value is lower, she not only lost juvenile traits but also offspring agency, while the alpha male never had juvenile standards and is still active as a baby maker lol. I dont think comparing poligamy with sociopathy is fair, its just biological. For men in general monogamy is kinda good, it “forces“ woman to be with a lesser beta or omega if she wants a family. But women perhaps would prefer to share a powerfull alpha male with another women than have a beta or omega for herself. I think that a tradional alpha will match all the things you want, but making him monogamous sometimes works. A christian alpha male is the go to i guess.

    1. Ok. I still don’t think that being an alpha requires polygamy, nor do you have to have a Christian alpha in order to be monogamous. But thank you for your opinion. I disagree with your premise that biology is the sole factor in determining an alpha. Your arguments about self control somewhat contradict your biology argument. As I understand it neoteny involves having a child while one is still childlike. It seems that you’re suggesting that women have an imperative need to have children, thus it requires them to lower their values and sense of self worth in order to keep an alpha male, which you’ve already suggested was a requirement since women still have a need to marry up. That argument seems to suggest that an alpha male will lose interest in his mate once she stops being at the prime age for having children, which suggests that the sole purpose a male has for a woman is to have children, after you’ve earlier stated that most men wouldn’t want to have them. So, the entire premise of your argument is based on the idea that a woman’s biological need will supersede her intellectual, moral, and social wants or desires, forcing her to lower herself in order to meet an alpha males primal needs which opposes his intellectual desires as well. Your argument lowers us all, men and women alike, to the state of animalian instinct, as if we were still functioning with only the mast base part of our brains. I find your premise faulty. We will not come to an agreement on this matter because we’re starting from two very different mind sets. So, I thank you for your opinion, but I do not believe we shall find a common ground.

  10. Also women have always been fine on their own, at least the ones that wanted to, there were always women in position of power and many women were the providers of their houses, but history dont tell it because it does not speak about the commom people. Or course there was a higher male dominance on society, but alpha females and even beta ones were sometimes the provider just because they were working hard while their husbands were not. But hypergamy is still a thing, its not wrong, but its a good thing if it could happen, its not limited by the age of the earth or society development. I did not intent to dismiss your points when you told about the negatives btw, i was just not clear in the first comment anyway, and it does sound like an asshole male.

  11. Ok i understand you, and i agree with the intelectual and moral basis you are telling. When we see humans in biological terms it seems like we are only instinctive and everything we do is based on that, but its not what i am talking about. Neoteny is keeping juvenile traits even as adults, like less body hair, bigger eyes, ligther skin, curiosity, playfullness and so on. But there is a difference in neoteny expressed in men and women expecailly on behavior. Self control is also biological, and other animals also express that, they are just not as smart as we are. They are not as instinctive as you think, they actually have fellings and empathy, they are good fathers and mothers and also have a moral code! Well every human actually wants to be monogamous, its romantic and beautiful, sometimes it works. Having offspring is not only a biological instinctive thing, it affects many things in us even our behavior that have nothing to do with reproduction. Biology can also explain fellings and everything in our behavior.

    Women dont need to marry up, its just an explanation on why that happens. I dont actually like to police people. I just think its a valid explanation on why this thing happen, not that i am an authority on this though. Why do we think this? Is it opression? Is the man putting women down? Or is it a reasonable and plausible biological thing? When you see biological behavior you will soon realise that women are the ones that really controls the world.

    This videos are really good to explain the differences in human behavior and are very pleasing to watch. Also a different perspective might be good!

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