I think I get it now.

Today was the first day that I think I truly understood what it meant to be depressed. I’m officially on medical leave from work. I have a million things I want to do, like start the process of going back to college so that maybe my job might eventually have meaning again, or just, you know, clean my kitchen so I can cook in it and eat properly…

I woke up, I started out ok. I checked my email. Read some other people’s blogs: filed away some info to use to prove my Geek cred,  got some humorous dating advice from my favorite raunchy writer, and a few others. I have varied tastes…

Then I did something stupid. I looked out the window, saw that it was, yet again, a grey and nasty day, and something in me fell. There was a sinking feeling inside of me that had a voice. That voice said “go back to bed til the sun comes out.”

And I did.

I crawled back into my bed and watched Netflix on my phone with the cracked screen, trying to will myself to sleep til the sun came up.

Instead another voice screamed in my head.

plans“Get up! You have to accomplish something today!”

Two hours this went on. A voice, my voice, screaming inside my head to get up, while my body rolled over and said “No, what’s the point?”

Occasionally I’d look at my phone. No texts. No missed calls. I have officially been in my apartment for two days now, and no one noticed…

Well, my mom called yesterday, and I do have a handful of friends who have noticed, but no one from work thought to check on me. I’m on medical leave… Maybe, just maybe something is wrong. Maybe I could use a friendly voice to see if I’m still alive, or, at the very least, check to see if I’m just ok.

I know many of them think I’m a coward, who has given up on my kiddos in the classroom, but it’s past that now. I am afraid of my life. Afraid of the mistakes I’ve made. Afraid of the choices I face.

afraidI’m saddened to think that all the bad things are my fault. It feels like I am a failure, and that is my biggest fear. That I am no good at anything, and that all my life I’ve been faking it, and now that there is something broken in my head, everyone’s going to notice.

No wonder the boy doesn’t want me. I’m damaged goods…

It’s never been quite this bad before. And I keep trying to figure out where did it all fall apart?

I know that things were crappy at the school, and okay, the relationship that was not a relationship didn’t give me a steady foundation to work with, and maybe this winter has been a little more grey than usual, but really? I can’t get out of bed unless it’s to sit in front of the computer to see if anyone’s noticed I’m missing from life?

I think maybe I actually hit bottom this time.

I’ve been trying to fake it (you know, that whole “fake it til you make it” philosophy), but I’ve lost the war, I think.

 

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4 thoughts on “I think I get it now.

  1. snarkysnatch says:

    Love says “I am everything”. Wisdom says “I am nothing”. Between the two, my life flows.
    — Nisargadatta Maharaj

    I have often thought that my patina was damaged. So what? Know why damaged people are so dangerous? Because we know we can survive.

    Truth is sweets… you aren’t damaged. No more than anyone else is anyway. We are all works in progress. You haven’t lost the war because you are still here fighting. There is nothing wrong with admitting temporary defeat and taking the time to access the damage and lick your wounds. That is how we evolve.

    The mind has a powerful way of weaving intricate narratives about reality when it comes to love. Those narratives are often blurred. Relationships often have contradictory cross-currents. rarely is one person solely to blame. Even in those failed ones we find lessons and a deeper connection of our true self. It is in our failings that we learn what is truly important to us, and where not to tread in the future.

    Failure isn’t in loss but in never trying in the first place. The road is long. Trust me that if you stay on it long enough you will find what you crave… what you deserve.

    I am a hot mess. A work in progress. An entire Buck Cherry CD of issues. Most people wrote me off long ago dying in my own vomit covered in Merlot, laying on a pile of hangers. But they were wrong. I am still here, losses and all. And guess what to me in staying on the road long enough? I found an amazing gent.. chummed up to some stellar friends.. and a have a life I can exhale in. Do I sound like a Hallmark card cause I don’t mean to? My point is that I don’t want you to be hard on yourself. The world will do that for you. Grade yourself on a curve and realize that we are all hot messes when you strip away the facade and distractions. Some hot messes are reality show worthy… some are blog worthy. But you my dear are worthy of much more than that. See yourself through my eyes. Oh how you shine!

    • Thank you. You have no idea how badly I needed that today. I know that this will get better. I’ve just been spiraling for a while and I finally hit the bottom. But then again, they say once you’ve hit bottom there’s no where to go but up, right? So here’s to the journey back up again!

      Oh, and thank you for your excellent posts! They always make me smile!

      • snarkysnatch says:

        You are welcome. I have been there Elizabeth. I know what it is like to see nothing but darkness in a tunnel. I despise those Shiny Happy People types with their platitudes of how life will get better if you just put enough ribbons in your hair. Life sucks. People sucks. Love sucks. Humor and belief in ourselves is usually all we have. Oh and Vodka! That helps. Thank you for your post. Hugs.

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