(For those of you unfamiliar with Les Miserables, Eponine is a character who loves a guy who never even notices her until she helps introduce him to the girl he’s developed a crush on. In the end, she takes a bullet for him, and only then confesses her feelings for him.)
After a 3 hour long “five minute” conversation with the boy yesterday, I felt like crap because he basically told me he wasn’t interested in me in a romantic sense at all. At the time, because I was both ridiculously upset about that, and stressing out about Spring Break being over (seriously 2 panic attacks in the last 12 hours kind of stressed), I thought my world was ending!
I was being Friend Zoned* for sure! And I didn’t like it. I was tormenting myself with Eponine’s songs from Les Mis, while working on my lesson plans for today, weeping the whole while. The songs are really sad…
I was doing all the usual “why me?” girly crap that women do when they’re trying to figure out why a guy is just not that into them…
But similar to the song, I realized, I have been doing this all on my own. Our entire relationship has been me talking to myself and believing things that are not real because I trusted what I saw and not what he said. The things I saw were tainted by my desire for it to be more. They were tainted by the feelings I got when he was near. He calmed me. He made me feel special…
As things got more and more complicated, I found myself adjusting my way of doing things to fit his needs. If he needed help with something, I would go and help. Meanwhile, my job situation was worse and worse.
And I would be the one to apologize for not being what he wanted, and for having feelings for him.
I can’t count how many times I asked if he’d help me set up the new classroom I was in, but he was always busy. Or how many times I hinted that I needed help cleaning my apartment (keep in mind I’ve helped him clean his a time or three), and his response was that maybe I could skype with the people that used to help me when I lived elsewhere. I tried to explain to him how stressed I was at work, and he gave me logical suggestions that should solve the problem instead of offering the emotional support I needed…
And then I apologized for not having prefaced it by telling him I needed emotional support instead of a logical solution. Mostly because his logical solutions only work if my job situation was logical, which if he actually had read this blog (like he now says he has been), he’d know wasn’t the case.
So what about his accusation that I was only looking for the carnal delights he could offer?
You know what, he might have been right! In a few of my past relationships, once I realized that the fellow couldn’t offer me what I needed intellectually or emotionally, I would try to get what I could from that relationship in… other ways.
What attracted me to this guy was that he was smart and had a silent strength that oozed from him. That strength is something that attracts me. Goes back to the whole alpha male thing. An intellectual alpha male may have strength of character or strength of intellect, but somehow must be strong in order to entice the female of the species… Or at least this female, anyhow.
While several of my past relationships intrigued me based on their physical strength, or sometimes just traits that exude strength, such as deepness of voice or broadness of shoulders, etc., in the end, when they proved they had no brain, nor could they support me emotionally, the tide would turn.
Well, the boy does not support me emotionally. If anything, he is an emotional drain. He causes me undue stress when I need someone to lift me up out of my darkness. I have been trying to lean on him because I should be able to lean on him. He will not let me because it makes his life “not simple.”
I’m not even sure he’s aware that’s what he’s doing… But it makes logical sense. He liked me while I was fun and things were simple. As soon as the simpleness faltered, we had problems. As soon as I questioned anything, he started to pull away.
This whole time I had thought it was me… I thought it was something wrong with me. Or something I was doing wrong. But no. I upset his calm because I expected him to work at our relationship too.
So, yeah, when I couldn’t get anything else that I needed from him, I defaulted. When he quit having conversations with me, I defaulted. When he didn’t offer emotional support, I defaulted. When he quit spending time with me except for every blue moon, I defaulted.
No more. Now I see what the real problem is, I don’t want that anymore. He can friend zone me all he wants. But he has to be a friend first. And he’s right: We’re not friends. I’ve been his. Now it’s his turn.
For the first time in weeks, I don’t have tension in my shoulders! *Sigh*
*“Friend Zone” was coined in the November 3rd, 1994 episode of the American television sitcom Friends titled “”The One with the Blackout.”