My friend Megan, who happens to be the woman who introduced me to the world of blogging, told me that the other day, when my whole world seemed upside down. I’m glad to say I think she was right. When my world seemed upside down, here are the things that needed figuring out:
- My job: do I stay or do I quit?
- My relationship: Just how bad did I screw it up? Was it all me? Do I want to fix it or not?
- My health: How do I get myself back on track to getting healthy again?
- My future: What am I going to do about Grad school?
- My apartment: Now that it’s somewhat clean (thank you Mom), how do I keep it from becoming a disaster zone later?
Several of these things are more related than they originally seem. For instance, my health includes mental health, so if my apartment is a mess and my job is nothing but stress, the result is that my health gets worse (I fall into depression) and then that puts a strain on my (already stressed) relationship. I’ve talked about each situation a little before (if the links didn’t give that away), some more than others… But I’m finally beginning to put things together a little bit, I think.
Last week, I missed half the week. Not roughly half the week, but literally half the week. I only made it halfway through Wednesday before a panic attack hit me because my next class was going to be hell. I knew it, there was no doubt in my mind that I could not deal with those kids. Not after my good class had upset my calm to the point of almost tears. As much as I tried to calm it down, I couldn’t and I nearly passed out in the stairwell.
I probably shouldn’t admit to such things on the internet, but it’s not like I’m saying that I can’t do my job under normal conditions. I assure you, the conditions under which I teach are NOT normal conditions. Let me give you an example:
A student inappropriately touched another student as they were passing each other in the aisles (one was coming to speak with me about a grade, the other had just left), and then later the same student asked to step outside to “adjust himself” and when I told him just a moment, he lifted his shirt up to show me how “messed up” his boxers were. His punishment for what was in essence sexual harassment? He got a day of in school suspension…
These are not normal conditions for any school. I’m not even sure to whom I need to speak to make a complaint at this point.
Needless to say, the question of do I stay or do I go, is kind of already decided: I need to go… before this actually hurts me. I can’t spend every day wondering if I’m going to have a panic attack or if a kid is going to try to push me because he knows that there will be no punishment from the powers that be.
Now I just have to figure out how do I get out without completely ruining my teaching certificate. Or do I forego that, and focus on a job elsewhere in the education industry while I work on my Master’s so that I can go back into the schools as a counselor? I’m kind of leaning towards the latter… First, I’ve got to get my resume updated and revamp my cover letter writing skills.
So that’s one problem down.
Yeah, I screwed that one up pretty bad. I don’t think I did it all on my own, but it was mostly my fault. The boy and I are at least back on speaking terms. My mother (with some help from the book club girls) helped me to see the error of my ways. (Mom’s been really on the ball lately…hope this is the new and improved Mom and not just a temporary glitch for the better.)
Basically, even though the idea of a long-term, super serious, marriage track kind of relationship scares the bejeezus out of me, I needed some sort of semblance of stability to make me feel solid in where we were heading. The boy kept telling me he wanted to be friends, which made me not so calm. What I heard was “I’m friendzoning you.” What he meant was “We have to be friends first.”
See how our communication is a little busted?
We’re both working on being clearer, and we have to rebuild our comfort level, but I think it’s moving in a positive direction.
So, did I screw it up? Hell yes! But it’s fixable.
And do I want to fix it? Oh absolutely!
This is the tricky one for me. Because the more stressed I get, the less I care about this one. So I need friends and family to help keep me on track. I need to focus on eating healthy, so no more burgers and fries and things like that. I need to eat my own cooking. I need to get back to exercising daily. I need to do my yoga in the evenings to combat the stress I feel throughout the day. I’ve begun taking steps for this one.
I need help though. So, you guys (and gals) help keep me accountable! I’m going to try to post an update on my health once a week. Let’s try for Wednesdays since I’m starting here. So if I miss a post, somebody pinch me or something to remind me to get on the ball.
This one really is a no brainer, even though I felt I should host a poll to validate my own decision. I, and the majority of people who took the poll, think that I should follow my heart and go after the degree that I’ve been talking about for years. If I’m not planning on staying in teaching (see My Job above), I should go ahead and work towards something that I do actually love.
It’s not that I don’t love teaching, but what I do isn’t teaching anymore. The boy asked me yesterday if it was fair of me to give up on that dream (a pretty poor paraphrase actually), and I didn’t know how to explain to him that even when I teach, I’m not teaching anymore. I’m preparing students for a test that makes no difference in their lives. I’m not giving them knowledge that will be useful. I’m not helping them in anyway. Testing has ruined teaching. And there are only a handful of my current students that listen when I teach anyway, because of the situation they and I have both been placed.
So, let me get a job still linked to the education industry, but not necessarily teaching, and work towards a higher degree. I think that would make me much happier.
Besides, this is the motto of Pacifica: animae mundi colendae gratia “for the sake of tending the soul of the world.”
And that just rocks.
This is the really tough one. I am by nature a disorganized person. I enjoy the organized chaos, but there is rarely any organization; just chaos. The boy has offered to help me with some things to help me so that my apartment can bring me the calm that his apartment brings him. I think that’s sweet. It means it actually has to be somewhat clean when he gets here so we can organize things… Good thing Mom came by to clean. Now I just have to finish what she started, and keep it up. It’s doable. I’m going to give myself the goal of having everything completed by Pi day. So on that day, I will post pics of my clean and organized apartment.
That’s the plan.
Again, hold me to it.
So, that’s it. I’ve figured out things that seemed unfigureoutable, because, as Megan says:
Nothing is unfigureoutable.