Fighting and the Aftermath

Many of my offline friends will probably yell at me for this, but I owe the boy an apology. While I believe our latest fight was started due to a misunderstanding that he was a lot at fault for (choice of words is very important), so was I. He has pointed out that how I handled his poor choice of words is what upset him, and he has every right to be upset.

I, too, have every right to be upset, but not for what many would think. I’m upset because this relationship (if it still exists) isn’t like normal relationships, and many of my friends don’t understand how it works. Mostly because at the moment it doesn’t. But it did, and I believe that it can again (if I haven’t already killed it).

I’m quite fed up with people telling me it’s not healthy. Or that he’s not doing right by me. Or that I need to let him miss me. Or that things are all his fault. Or I’m taking too much of the blame. Or. Or. Or…

None of that’s the issue, nor is any of it true. The issue is that he and I communicate differently and I didn’t understand his form of communication, and probably he hasn’t figured out mine either.

We both got bogged down in an argument that went round in circles, and in my opinion the tension from that, plus we’re both stressed at work, had us building up for a huge knock down, drag out kinda fight.

You know the type. The type where either the whole thing is over without a doubt, or there’s amazing make-up sex afterwards.

I’m hoping for the latter… Though my actions may have caused the former.

Our communication doesn’t work right now. I’m not sure why. I’m not sure when it started, really. We’ve both kind of narrowed down a cause, but I keep thinking we’ve moved past that and then it gets brought back up again… It’s kind of a mess.

My current theory (told you, I have lots of theories) is that as we’ve been going round and round in circles, he’s fixing individual problems, the problem from that individual fight, but not looking at what actually caused it. And that’s because I don’t articulate it well. Or when I do, what I’m asking for is usually something he’s not quite comfortable with. The things he is comfortable with, he has done. Every time.

And each time, he’s gotten a little closer to what I need from him.

My method of fighting is part of the cause, too. I get angry, and instead of calming down, which is what he does, I need to get it out of my system immediately because otherwise I will stew on it. When he chooses not to discuss it with me right away, because he’s doing the grown up thing and calming down first, I explode a bit. A lot. The explosion topples buildings 5 states away kind of angry…

fighting and the aftermath

Originally it wasn’t that bad. Originally we discussed it, but we weren’t listening to each other. Part of the problem is that we’re dealing with text (neither one of us is particularly confrontational) instead of face to face communication. Then, when the same thing happens again, both our tension levels rise, until now, we have a good day followed by an explosion followed by a day of calm, and then it repeats.

A small part of me thinks we still need to have that knock down, drag out kind of fight, but I don’t think he would like that, or could handle it. He’s a pretty mellow guy, when we’re not about to verbally rip each other’s throats out.

I’m not trying to take all the blame here. Although most of my friends see it that way. I’m trying to understand things from his perspective. Is he doing the same thing? I don’t know. But I’ve always been the type of person that I NEED to understand.

My mother has told me that “Why?” was one of my favorite words. The boy asked me if the question mark (?) was the first key to wear out on all my keyboards.

I ask a lot of questions.

At this point, I know I screwed up. I want him to know that I know I screwed up. He has to know he screwed up, too, but I screwed up bigger.

I got my feelings hurt, and after a handful of cucumber martinis, I put my angry, hurt feelings into words.

In an email.

And sent it…

What the hell was I thinking?!

I was thinking that I’d had enough of the fighting. I was thinking that it wasn’t fixable if he felt so little for me to do what I thought he did…

Actually, I wasn’t thinking.

March-Hare-Quote-On-Thinking-Before-Speaking-In-Alice-In-WonderlandNow, I’m hoping he’ll give me the opportunity to sit down and talk it out. Because I think I understand how to fix our communication errors.

I think if we both agree to let the past go and start fresh, we will be successful. If we just go back to the way things were… I am starting to understand him well enough to not be the stark raving _(insert insulting descriptive noun here)_ that I was when I sent that email.

Oh, I was vicious. I was vindictive. And having reread the letter a half dozen times, I would understand if he never spoke to me again. But I think I fell for him more than I would be willing to admit to his face…

My mother once told me that we hurt the ones we love the most because we know that they love us back enough to understand… or did she say we know they’re strong enough to handle it. I don’t really remember. I was probably angry at the time and being mean and vindictive and hateful.

Apparently I can be a real bitch when my feelings are hurt.

I’m sorry.

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