Monthly Archives: March 2014

I think I get it now.

Today was the first day that I think I truly understood what it meant to be depressed. I’m officially on medical leave from work. I have a million things I want to do, like start the process of going back to college so that maybe my job might eventually have meaning again, or just, you know, clean my kitchen so I can cook in it and eat properly…

I woke up, I started out ok. I checked my email. Read some other people’s blogs: filed away some info to use to prove my Geek cred,  got some humorous dating advice from my favorite raunchy writer, and a few others. I have varied tastes…

Then I did something stupid. I looked out the window, saw that it was, yet again, a grey and nasty day, and something in me fell. There was a sinking feeling inside of me that had a voice. That voice said “go back to bed til the sun comes out.”

And I did.

I crawled back into my bed and watched Netflix on my phone with the cracked screen, trying to will myself to sleep til the sun came up.

Instead another voice screamed in my head.

plans“Get up! You have to accomplish something today!”

Two hours this went on. A voice, my voice, screaming inside my head to get up, while my body rolled over and said “No, what’s the point?”

Occasionally I’d look at my phone. No texts. No missed calls. I have officially been in my apartment for two days now, and no one noticed…

Well, my mom called yesterday, and I do have a handful of friends who have noticed, but no one from work thought to check on me. I’m on medical leave… Maybe, just maybe something is wrong. Maybe I could use a friendly voice to see if I’m still alive, or, at the very least, check to see if I’m just ok.

I know many of them think I’m a coward, who has given up on my kiddos in the classroom, but it’s past that now. I am afraid of my life. Afraid of the mistakes I’ve made. Afraid of the choices I face.

afraidI’m saddened to think that all the bad things are my fault. It feels like I am a failure, and that is my biggest fear. That I am no good at anything, and that all my life I’ve been faking it, and now that there is something broken in my head, everyone’s going to notice.

No wonder the boy doesn’t want me. I’m damaged goods…

It’s never been quite this bad before. And I keep trying to figure out where did it all fall apart?

I know that things were crappy at the school, and okay, the relationship that was not a relationship didn’t give me a steady foundation to work with, and maybe this winter has been a little more grey than usual, but really? I can’t get out of bed unless it’s to sit in front of the computer to see if anyone’s noticed I’m missing from life?

I think maybe I actually hit bottom this time.

I’ve been trying to fake it (you know, that whole “fake it til you make it” philosophy), but I’ve lost the war, I think.


I’m losing faith in humanity…

Someone sent me a link to this article in response to my blog post about Stacey Connor, the woman who gave back her adopted child. I thought that the fact that there were organizations set up just to help with “secondary placements” was bad. Now they’re telling me there are whole underground, online message boards designed for this, called re-homing.

badadoptionWhat has the world come to? Children are tossed aside from one family to the next like toys, or puppies, or garbage. In the debate over the original article about the Connors, one man said that basically since he was an abandoned child, “up for adoption in the first place…” it was acceptable to relocate him. He also said: “It does not mean because someone took the responsibility that many of us, or most of us chose not to do, they are to have this child for life.”

Well, buddy, I beg to differ. Agreeing to an adoption means just that: you are taking on that child for life, or at least until they are 18.

But in this country, we choose to throw things out when they don’t work just so. Pants too long? Don’t bother hemming them, throw them out and buy a pair that fits. Broken cell-phone? Get another. TV not the newest and the best? Go out and get the newest one. Relationship not as easy as you thought? End it. School’s too much work for you? Find a way to make it the teacher’s fault…

And now, we’ve devolved to the point where this makes sense on a grand scheme: Not happy with the kid you adopted? Trade them in for a newer model…

nitaThe young girl in that article chose not to disclose sexual abuse in order to not be removed from her home and “rehomed” for the umpteenth time. People were passing her back and forth like a dog. As a dog owner, I would like to remind you it’s not really fair for dogs either, but I do recognize (unlike the people engaging in rehoming) that people are a little more fragile/permanent/important than dogs.

If a dog is aggressive and bites the children in a home, it makes sense to send that dog to another home. Children should never be shifted around from home to home, trying to find the right “fit.”

It’s just disgusting. And WRONG! Continue reading I’m losing faith in humanity…

You should date a girl who reads.

Coco J. Ginger Says

girl reading _ coco j ginger _ courting madness
Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.

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Giving back a child.

I can’t even imagine a world where giving back a child is an option, but according to this article, not only is it an option, but it happens enough that there are whole organizations based on “secondary placements” when “adoptions [go] awry.”

You mean when a family gets a kid they don’t want? I’ve expressed more than once (Nature vs Nurture, Disney and Abandonment, and others) that I have a fear of being unchosen, but I always thought it was in my head; it was an unfounded fear that stemmed from the semi-perfectionist teachings that are thrust upon the women in my family, but not the males. I had no idea that such a thing actually happened!

And to use the experience of giving away a child as a way to gain favor to become foster parents is even worse! Oh I see here that you have experience giving children away once you’ve gotten them. Welcome to the foster care circus!

Giving back your kidsHaving read the article, I think there are 2 intrinsic problems with this situation: first of all, these people had kids of their own to begin with. There was no need for them to have another child, which brings us to the second problem: selfishness. They weren’t trying to bring a child into their lives because they needed him, or to help him out of a dangerous situation. They wanted to have a large family, Brangelina style, and were willing to bring an outsider in, one from Haiti.

First of all, there are lots of children in the United States that need loving homes. Adopting a child from Haiti, while generous, is a publicity stunt. It is a way to be the hip, cool people on your block by adding a refugee into the mix. The mother, Stacey Conner, is even quoted as saying “Having an instant multicultural family was magical…”

Giving back your kids
Stacey Connor, the woman who wants sympathy for giving away her child.

Because that’s the message you want people to get about you: You are so racist that you feel the need to point out how cool it is that you adopted a child (or in this case children, plural) outside of your own race.

Then, when the oldest boy, whom she only refers to as “J”, became difficult, she realized that she was in the wrong: “I was committing the worst maternal sin: I felt like I loved one child less than the others.” Had she killed the boy instead of just passing him onto another family, that statement would have been enough to convict her. It shows premeditation.

Now, I am in no way suggesting that giving away a child be compared to murder…

Wait, no, that may be exactly what I’m suggesting!

Continue reading Giving back a child.

keep going

How do I keep going?

Well, somehow Spring Break was more stressful than relaxing, and I managed not to get any of the things accomplished that I had set out to do. How do I manage to mangle my life so much? It’s truly a mystery…

However I managed it, today is the last day of Spring Break, and in just two days, I’ll be expected to go back to work, to face these people I keep feeling like I’ve let down.

Letting people down seems to be something I’m good at of late… I let my students down by giving up. I let me friends down by being focused on the boy. I let the boy down by not being able to just be his friend. I let myself down by not using this time to find a new job.

And now come Monday, I’ll either have to quit, or pull myself together and make it work until June.

keep going

I was inspired to write again today. This time, not by the boy (I’ve spent plenty of time writing about all that, and he doesn’t want to talk to me anyhow), but by a teaching friend of mine. She speaks of her faith and how God led her to teach. I wish I had that kind of faith when it comes to my choices… Continue reading How do I keep going?